Engaged to a Man, but I'm a lesbian

Hi... have you told him any of your feelings? Would he be open to you having women in your life though married? Would you be open to it? What exactly does he know about you? Just basic communication thoughts are what come to my mind. How many times people have asked me "did you tell him that?" (Or her!)

 

sounds like a hard sitituation, i can relate to someway. I guess what u need to talk to him as eventually ur desire for other women may eventually become too much to handle or even unhealthy

 

I hate to be so blunt, but this is not the way to establish a foundation for a marriage to the extent you have not discussed this with him (hope i am not being presumptuous). I really hope the date is set very far in advance, you are completely open with your fiancee and sort through this before you get married.

 

Sounds like your very much self aware, but the pressures from your church and school might be holding you back. As you suggested, keep the discussion going!

 

I'm going to be blunt. You will not be fulfilled in all areas of your marriage, even if you are fulfilled in others. Intimacy is a HUGE part of a marriage - it is THE part that makes the relationship different from all other relationships in your life. Without it, neither you or your spouse will have the closeness or fulfillment that you need for happy marital longevity. You may think you can supress this need and see it as not necessary. But you'll be fooling yourself - AND him. It will be like pushing batting into a pillow - you will stuff down that need until the seams start to break. And then you will ALL suffer - you, your husband, and your future children. Even if you consider your needs unimportant, know that you will never be able to meet HIS needs 100% in the bedroom. Think about how you want your future spouse to feel about you in the bedroom. Would "I love her but the thought of sex with her makes me repulsed" be the way you want your spouse to feel about you? Who cares if you desired him ONCE. Marriage is not a "once" thing - it is an every.single.day kind of thing, and physical intimacy is the glue that holds the rest of it together. You will never have enough without it, and neither will he.

If you love him, you will break this off for his sake. If you love yourself, you will not accept less than 100% from a lifetime commitment. The only reason to continue on your current path is because you can't and won't let go of what you already have. Have faith that you can have it all someday when you find the right person - the person for whom you feel passion and desire in ALL ways, on an on-fire kind of way.

 

"The gay will go away"

No, any chance of you being true to yourself will go away.

 

My best advice is that event though it may be the hardest thing you have ever done you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel because you can NOT marry him with this BIG secret that is horrible for your relationship and you know it as well as I do that long term if you marry him it will end in a divorce if this secret is between you to and as for the other situation the only solution I can think of is allowing an open relationship for the both of you personally ( I am not one to make your life choices) but I would put of the wedding (even engagement) until your problems are 100% resolved are you know that he is the one and only and you want to spend the rest of your life with him

---------- Post added 17th Sep 2015 at 11:01 PM ----------

also reading further responses I think before you put any figure in your life like this you need to take some time alone with yourself and figure out who you really are and what makes you happy it sounds like deep down you do know what you truly love and wan tot be but you hide it from the world for everyone elses sake you need to love your self before you love ANYONE else

 

Your on a path of self destruction for yourself and your husband. You recognise your gay, yet you still plan to go ahead. Hope I am wrong.

 

I know you want to have a traditional, normal life with a husband and children, and please your church and family. But would it fair to your boyfriend to be in a relationship where his wife gets nothing out of sex with him? Would it be fair to you to just "go through the motions" when really you want to make love with a woman?

As for the gay disappearing when you get married, that's just wishful thinking and harmful, wrong, stupid teaching by your church in my opinion. I know a couple just like you (minus all the premarital sex) who got married even though they both knew full well that she was a lesbian. They truly believed God would change her orientation. Well, guess what? After 12 years of marriage, her orientation had still not changed, and they were both just like brother and sister, truly miserable, in a sham of a marriage "pretending". She finally came to her senses and ended the marriage. He married a woman who truly wanted him in every way, and she is free to be who she is. Do they regret their 12 years together? Definitely, yes! Twelve wasted years (luckily no children involved).

It's obvious what I think you should do.

 

sounds good that you are talking to him. If you had an open sex realtionship would that be fine with you? Would it be one sided or would you be able to see other women?

 

Look, sexual relationships change over time, but sexual desire doesn't typically increase over time - it decreases as the newness of the relationship wears off. That's pretty common knowledge. Expecting sexual desire to come later when you're literally grossed out by male genitalia is NOT a realistic expectation.

I think you're missing the point of marriage. I'm not sure how old you are, but it feels like you're in your early 20's, if I had to guess. I'm in my mid-40's. I was married to a man for 16 years - had 3 children with him. He was the exact same as you - he loved me, wanted a traditional life - children and a family with me. He didn't tell me this all then, but he felt that he loved me enough to overcome the gay thoughts and desires he had. The sex was infrequent and perfunctory - increasingly so over the years. I knew SOMETHING was wrong, but I didn't know that the issue was his sexual orientation. I was constantly begging for more sex, for some attention in a sexual way, and he'd make promises but they never materialized. I begged for answers and he lied about his orientation. With no answers, I assumed the issue was me. Lots of physical rejection will do that. I lost weight, I grew my hair out, I tried learning new sexual techniques (which he didn't want), I bought sexy lingerie, I got a tummy tuck, a breast reduction and some lipo. And NOTHING changed. I began to think that I was unattractive and unsexy, or that he just didn't love me. I began to see attention from other men, and STILL my husband had no sexual interest in me. That's when I knew it wasn't me. And it wasn't just that it was a low amount of sex. It was the sex wasn't fulfilling for me in the least, because he wasn't into it. He looked at the ceiling, didn't want to touch my genital area, and wouldn't do any positions except missionary or doggy style, and would not even consider oral, despite accepting it.

Eventually, I asked for a divorce based on lack of intimacy. It didn't really matter WHY my husband was choosing not to be intimate with me. It mattered that I did not feel desired and cherished. I decided that I'd rather leave than stay with someone who made me feel invisible. I wound up in another relationship (after much dating) with a straight man, and it was NIGHT AND DAY different than being with my gay (but loving) ex husband. This man lusted after me all the time. HAD to have me. How different from someone who would have loved to just treat me like his roommate. At one point, that was enough for me. But as our children grew into teenagers, it wasn't enough anymore. I needed US to be a team, and the glue that should have bound us together (intimacy) was completely missing. I could not see a future with someone who seem apathetic about being with me intimately.

Let me get back to my point about what marriage is. It's NOT just the next step for two people who fall in love. I've loved lots of individuals and they would have NOT made good life partners for me. I CANNOT over accentuate the importance of compatibility in a marriage - in every area of your life that matters. That doesn't mean you have to be the same in those areas, but you do need to be compatible. Those other individuals I loved may have made good partners for others, but not for me. LITTLE things can become a huge deal over time. Let's say you love to dress up - for events like weddings, funerals, church, etc. You have no issue dressing appropriately for the situation. The individual you are in love with does NOT feel this way. They see no reason to be in anything but blue jeans, a flannel shirt or T-shirt, and tennis shoes. Seems like this is SO minor, doesn't it? But it WILL become a huge deal later, when you have family events to go to and you fight over this very issue several times a year. You about how he's not being respectful in his dress, and him about how you're trying to change him. This is a LITTLE thing compared to the entire realm of intimacy. You cannot even imagine how big the intimacy issue is to marriage. It is not only a source of glue for our relationship, but it's also a place where each of you derives a large part of your self-confidence from. It's where you experiment together, fulfill fantasies, and just plain old have a blast.

I know you don't want to be gay, hon. And that you want to be a wife and a mother with a family. You can still have that with another woman. AND great intimacy. You can love this man and want to not hurt him. But that's choosing not to hurt him a little now (I know it seems big, but it's little compared to what breaking off a marriage is) and instead hurt him MUCH more later. Along with your children, and breaking up your family and immensely complicating your lives.

I beg of you to reconsider this. Break it off and let him pursue what he deserves, and you do the same.

 

I feel for you right now, this is a really tough situation. But I feel like if you are ever going to be in a place where you want to have sex with him, it would have happened already. You love him enough to be sure about this so I think enjoying sexual intimacy is something that already would have happened for you with him if it was ever going to happen. It doesn't seem like "getting to know him more" will change that since you're already in love. Also, usually when someone isn't into the sex part of a relationship at first it's because they're just not that into it, whereas here you're almost repulsed by it. That's not good for you. Perhaps you love him and that's great, but you also have to take into consideration the fact that you guys are on completely different pages sexually and you can't assume that that will change in the future - it may never - and you have to consider that and think about that when making this decision. I say, don't let it get right to the wedding date before you decide. Give it a year or two max of thinking about it. I know you love him, but try to look at this objectively and think about your future together. How will the conflicts you have now affect you, say, 10 years from now. You want to spend your whole life with the one you love, but these conflicts could detriment that with this guy. So try to be open with yourself about what you're feeling. Coming onto EC and posting about your thoughts and questions could be very helpful for you.
And remember - I know you love him and all and to you it may not seem like it right now but - you don't have to settle. He's not the only person for you just because you love him, although that is a big part of it. Don't sacrifice your own happiness for a relationship. Don't rush into something you're not entirely sure about. A relationship should make you fully and totally happy with every part of it and you need to be on the same page, or at least know how to compromise to get there. The fact that you don't like sex with him can't be changed no matter how good you two are at compromising and communicating.
Sorry for being blunt, but I just hope you make the decision that will make you happiest because you deserve the best.
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