1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Paternal absence as the factor

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jason98, Sep 18, 2015.

  1. jason98

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    So … hello, forumers of Empty Closets! I am a 16 years old guy, almost 17, and I am been questioning myself since I was 12. In fact, I am emotionally attracted by females, and also a bit sexually, and sexually attracted (a lot) by males. I think I solved the puzzle and the mystery, but I want to hear your opinion.

    Let’s start with my childhood experiences, since (I think) they play the biggest role. I have always had an overprotective mother and an absent father. For example, when I was 6, it was my mother that took me to school, cooked me, bought me the toys, washed my clothes, entertained me … my father … merely existed, I don’t know how to explain: yeah, we played sometimes, but he played a very, marginal role in the family. I had no positive male models in my family: my dad was absent, my grandfather always showed contempt for me and humiliated me (the other one died when I was 5), my uncles never cared about me … Things got worse later, when my parents started arguing, or better: my mother started yelling at my father all the time. I clearly remember that my mother taught me I didn’t have to be like my father, because he was useless, he was good for nothing. I even agreed with her. My father, in the meantime, did nothing to … yeah, you understood. He is weak, he is the victim – I thought – I absolutely have to be different. My mom even forbade me to act as a normal boy, ordering me not to see naked women! In a nutshell, it was like if my mom was my “male model”, and my father my “female model”. My masculinity was rejected, minimized, crushed. During my childhood, I liked girls a lot (crushes, and I remember thinking of them naked excited me … a lot), and enjoyed viewing males in underwear.

    I started questioning my sexuality when I was 11, or 12. “And what if I am gay?”. I started jerking off at pics of guys, and things like that. In the meantime, though, I had my first crush, with a girl. I got angry if she was with other males, I wanted to kiss her so much, it was my first thought when waking up, gave her roses on the 14th of Feb … I had another crush with a girl some time ago, and it was the same: awesomeness, butterflies in the stomach, the sensation of floating on a cloud before/while/after/thinking of seeing her, and things like that. I have never had a crush for a boy; never thought of them in a sentimental way. They’re just buddies to hang out with, my thoughts never went beyond that. If I think myself in a homosexual relationship, I feel bad, like if I am forced to do that, just because the label tells me so … yet, they excited me. Sometimes I jerk off at gay porn; I avoid lesbian porn, because it gives me anxiety; I still think of girls while masturbating, because I really like it.

    My “solution” is that I am not attracted to boys, but my childhood experiences (lack of a male positive model, the behaviour of my mother) emphasized my “homosexual side”, and as a consequences I identified with females: in a nutshell, my parents taught me not to be heterosexual. So, I am naturally attracted to females, but I often get horny with guys not because I have an innate gay urge, like all gays do, but because I recognize in the guy I jerk off a positive, masculine, male model: a real man. My theory explains also why I have never had a crush for a boy. I feel like everything fits.

    I want to have your opinion first, anyway, so I can – with your help – seek the answer, and figure out who I am. I could be straight, I could be gay, I could be bisexual - I really don't know. Thank you! :icon_bigg
     
  2. rhapsodic

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2014
    Messages:
    201
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Near Toronto, Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't know if this will help, but I'll share my experiences with you to give you another way of looking at this.

    My question for you is: are you sure about these feelings you have towards males? Are you sure you're not bisexual, but just denying having any emotional attraction to men to yourself because of your childhood experiences? Are you sure the reason why you can't see yourself become romantically and emotionally close to another guy isn't because of the emotional neglect you experienced from the male figures in your life when you were younger.

    I, personally, had a lot of issues with the male figures in my life that ultimately lead me to distrust men in general. I struggled to accept my bisexuality because I refused to accept that I was emotionally attracted to guys. I knew I was sexually attracted to them, but denied any romantic attraction. I struggled to accept my true sexuality because I kept denying that I had any sort of emotional attraction to men, even though somewhere, subconsciously, I knew this attraction was there. It wasn't until I came to terms with my negative feelings towards men that I was finally able to truly accept myself as a bisexual and to realize that it is okay to want to be in a relationship with a guy.

    These are just my experiences. I don't know if they will help you, but I hope they won't just confuse you more.

    I'm not saying that you're wrong in thinking that you are the way you are because of these experiences you had, but my piece of advice is just to consider how your past experiences with male figures in your life have distorted your perception of men in general.
     
    #2 rhapsodic, Sep 18, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2015