I realized that I was seriously attracted to women about a 1 1\2 years ago and ever since then my guilt and shame about it have only managed to get worse. Its like the more I talk about it, the more I come to terms with who I may or may not be, the sicker and more guilty I get. It was like when I first realized I was probably gay, I started coming out to a few very close friends and family. But, as time has gone on I've stopped telling people and I've stopped talking to those that I have come out to because every time I talk about it I feel, I don't know, I guess dirty is the best word. The more time goes on the more I want to claw it out of myself because, it really hit me that this is who I am and will always be and its not going away. I logically know that there is nothing wrong with being gay but the way I feel is something I can't control. I was raised in an incredibly homophobic environment and I guess that is just now starting to catch up to me. Sometimes I catch myself actively pretending that I'm straight, or looking up therapies to change sexual orientation. The one queer person that I'm kind of friends with makes me deeply uncomfortable. Not because there is anything wrong with him, its just he's the one person I had a really deep and honest chat with about how I feel and I guess it kind of created a negative association. I want to learn how to love this part of myself and I want to be proud but I just don't know how. Did anyone else deal with this? Any advice?
"I realized that I was seriously attracted to women about a 1 1\2 years ago and ever since then my guilt and shame about it have only managed to get worse."-OP Yeah, it can be hard dealing with guilt and shame that internalised homophobia causes. Trust me, been there done that. :dry: (*hug*) "It's like the more I talk about it, the more I come to terms with who I may or may not be, the sicker and more guilty I get."-OP Denial is a common stage for people figuring their sexuality, especially when they are internally conflicted about it, and when that denial is slowly but surely thinning out it can be terrifying. It feels like you have been searching for who you are and when you find them you don't like them. You don't want to know who you are, you want to be in ignorant bliss. "Why me?" you might wonder, sure you might be ok with gay people but why do you have to be gay? You might ask yourself. That stage of course being bargaining. "It was like when I first realized I was probably gay, I started coming out to a few very close friends and family. But, as time has gone on I've stopped telling people and I've stopped talking to those that I have come out to because every time I talk about it I feel, I don't know, I guess dirty is the best word."-OP So I'm guessing from this that lately you have felt more insecure about your sexuality. I used to be afraid of being around other gay people in fear of them somehow "sensing" it in me, same with Physiatrists/Physiologists. I kept having nightmares about walking into class and having a Physiologist out me to everyone or make me take a lie detector test. You dislike the topic of your sexuality brought up so you avoid people whom you associate your sexuality with or just people who know, which make sense. "The more time goes on the more I want to claw it out of myself because, it really hit me that this is who I am and will always be and it's not going away".-OP Which was pretty much the reason I came to accept myself in the end- that I'm always going to be this way so I might as well accept it, and besides it's not hurting anyone- and that was a hard truth to take in for me. I still Hoped one day that things will change- that it was all in my head somehow and that I was straight all along- but deep down I knew that wasn't very realistic and that my feelings that I was having for girls would always stick around no matter what. It can feel like a fault somehow-like you are broken in some way but cannot be fixed. But let me tell you something YOU ARE NOT BROKEN NOR WILL YOU EVER BE. Sure you're different than the norm but in the end there are still people out there just like you who can relate to your situation. So don't ever feel like you're on your own with this. I got your back because I know firsthand how horrible it is to feel this way. Have you ever seen "The gay kid" on Oishi high school battle by smosh? The series is umm.. rather violent, weird and explicit sometimes (you have been warned) but for some reason I found this episode to be kind of endearing. It has a good message to it despite it being a bit stereotypical. "I logically know that there is nothing wrong with being gay but the way I feel is something I can't control. I was raised in an incredibly homophobic environment and I guess that is just now starting to catch up to me".-OP Ah the age old logic VS emotions dilemma. Where part of your mind is saying something but you feel something else. It can be easy to be influenced by others, especially if you look up to them or rely on them. But may I ask, what causes the people around you to act this way? Do you live in a fairly religious area or are their views on the subject based on something else entirely like negative stereotypes? If the issue is to do with religion than all I can suggest to you is to re-evaluate your beliefs for a moment. Are you religious in anyway? Personally as an atheist I can't really help with this one much but if you are religious take a step back and think about what your views are concerning sexuality and the LGBT community in general. 3 Ways to Accept That You Are Gay - wikiHow This may be of use to you. ^ "Sometimes I catch myself actively pretending that I'm straight, or looking up therapies to change sexual orientation". -OP This is a very dangerous, uneasy road to go down, and I strongly urge you to think twice before taking such methods. Listen, there are a lot of bigots out there who think they can "change" you. But in the real world such practices do not work. There isn't a cure because there isn't an illness to be treated here. You may not be ready to come out of the closet and that's ok. A lot of LGBT folk go through this as well. Hang in there. "The one queer person that I'm kind of friends with makes me deeply uncomfortable. Not because there is anything wrong with him, it's just he's the one person I had a really deep and honest chat with about how I feel and I guess it kind of created a negative association".-OP Likewise, you feel uncomfortable about addressing your sexuality and having someone who is more open to talk about it may seem daunting which is understandable. "I want to learn how to love this part of myself and I want to be proud but I just don't know how. Did anyone else deal with this? Any advice?"-OP It may take some time but I hope my response was helpful to you somehow, I know listening to music helped for me listening to positive songs about it like "stay as you are" (Resta Come Sei) - Dolcenera. I wish you the best of luck. (*hug*)
I know how you feel, that was me, still to some degree is. I'm still in a dark place and i'm fighting it with all i got. I almost signed on to one of those therapy things out of pure desperation, luckily i didn't. I too like you grew up in a homophobic environment. I'm still not at the point of accepting myself. Maybe ill reach there and be able to be at peace with it. I hope i do. I hope you do too.
I just wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful responses, it truly feels better to know that other people have gone through this. @Canterpiece I personally am not religious but I come from an incredibly religious ,evangelical family (my grandfather and both my great grandfathers were all pastors). Even though I personally don't follow my family's faith, there is something about being taught from a very young age that being gay is wrong and disgusting that makes it hard to overcome. I wasn't just taught that being gay was wrong. I was in essence taught that sex outside of a very, very specific context was wrong. This caused me to have a lot of negative feelings about sex period, and then when you add in the fact that I'm gay, it sort of makes a perfect storm. I feel like as time has gone on, I've been forced to relive every horrible thing that anyone had ever said about lgbtq persons in my mind. In my early life it was not uncommon to hear my family sling around many slurs (Dyke, Fag, Queer) rather casually. Up until 14 ( almost 15), I believed that being gay was a choice and that you might go to hell for it. @Donteatthesushi Thank you for your comment. Also, me too, I thought about going to therapy (not the conversion kind) rather seriously about 8-9 months ago. I absolutely hope that both me and you make it through and make peace with who we are. If you ever want to chat I'm always here.
It's definitely difficult for me to denounce everything I've been taught since birth. Even though I know who I am and what I want, there's still sort of a part of me that feels guilty about being this way.
Here is an interesting thought: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/192537-forgiving-others.html
