So lately since I have started living my truth more my life has gone from 0-100 relatively quickly. Quicker than I could have ever imagined. I go to lgbtq events, forming lgbtq friendships and even potentially have a date tomorrow. At the same time I still feel like something is going to go wrong and that this happiness is fleeting. I think that I was so used and comfortable with the closet that as I inch farther and farther out I can't help but look back and reach my hand to out to grasp it. maybe it is just the self loathing that so many of us go through. Have you all ever felt this way?
Honestly, no I haven't. But I do find this interesting. I've been depressed for awhile and I've only started to come out of it recently. It was really weird feeling happiness again after such a long time, I almost didn't recognise the feeling. I had become disconnected with happiness and I wasn't sure how long it would last. But I learnt that you don't have to feel happy all the time, just content.:icon_wink After all, it would be boring if we were happy all the time (and creepy) and it was be depressing if we were sad all the time. You gotta balance things out, make them more interesting. You're covering new ground, situations you've never been in before and it feels almost like you're living a different life than you were before, so you look back at your past for comfort because that's what feels familiar to you. You might be feeling a little overwhelmed, fresh out of the closet and you're already thrown into lgbt events, friendships and even a date! That's a lot to take in I'm sure. Just try and keep things at your own pace, and take time out to think through your past if you think it'll help. Best of luck to you.
Coming out sometimes presents us with these rather strange feelings. Even though you want to fully embrace the new found freedom of being open about your sexuality you can sometimes look back and wonder if it will work out or if you did the right thing. Well, you did! Being in the closet requires us to maintain a secret and even though it's a horrible burden to bear it's our personal secret and we get used to it. Coming out means parting company with our not so little secret and allowing ourselves become vulnerable as we tell the truth. It's not always easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Sometimes the hardest decisions in life bring the greatest rewards. You are on a journey and it's a bit like a rollercoaster -- it has some scary twists and turns, but you can still enjoy the fun of riding it. Try to do that and don't look back. I'm sure you are doing great.
I feel the same way. Some days I'm up and open and it feels great, other days I feel like being a grumpy reclusive hermit wouldn't be that bad again. Got me through this much. I was miserable, but it was what I knew. It was all I knew. This out crap is unfamiliar territory and some days, I don't like that. One bit. But the closet was full of lies and denial, and was part of an all around miserable existence. I'm never going back. Even if it kills me sometimes,
I agree completely with that. Now that I have finally decided to just be out, nothing could drag me back in. I feel more alive now than I have in years. ---------- Post added 20th Sep 2015 at 07:28 PM ---------- I think just the ability to be fully honest about yourself strengthens the bonds you have with those closest to you. No more hiding or dancing around things, and you just can take comfort that those who accept you are the ones who truly love you.....because they love ALL of you.
This. The closet is familiar territory, no matter how much torture it was to live in it. I admit there are still days when I'm tempted to roll back all the progress I've made and run back into the closet because it appears so much easier to just deny who I am and pretend to be 'the same' as everyone else again. But at the end of the day I know that I'm happier living as myself even if it's terrifying to be navigating so much unfamiliar territory, especially now that I'm on my own. Hang in there, Caddy, that happiness will stick, I promise.
Thanks everyone. I think things have just recently happened so quickly that I am scared of the change. I know I am on the right journey and will continue coming out to people.
There is so much to the journey above and beyond just coming out to people. That certainly is such a massive step. But even as you articulated in your initial post, whether you call it self loathing or, as I do, internalized homophobia, so much of your life requires analysis, review and acceptance. The changes that are brought about from coming out are simply just the beginning. They seem like a rush of water from a broken dam; but although that rush will slow down, the water will continue to flow out (if you get my analogy). I have found it to be such a liberating and wonderful experience. Of course there are challenges, but isn't life about confronting those challenges and coming out ahead? Good luck!
There are some negative things that can happen in the process of coming out, but I am finding out the good (so far) definitely outweighs the bad. Its great to feel that you are finally being honest with yourself.
First off, congratulations about coming out. That's the hard part. The emotions that follow can be difficult to process, especially the feeling you describe. How to explain... Hmmm. Honestly, I did feel the same way, and it took me awhile to figure out what was the cause. If you're anything like me, you have a very strong self image; or at least a clear vision of what you think your life will become. The problem is, that my imagined self was straight. It was a big part of the equation and when I came out, even just to the first person I told, it was like killing a piece of who I was... Even though it was a lie. I remember thinking, near panic, that I could never take it back. I could never get HIM back, my idealized self. Who this new guy was, I had no idea. What I didn't realize at the time was that, while the closet may have seemed more comfortable; carrying out that kind of carefully orchestrated deception EVERY DAY required an incredible amount of energy. Being open takes so much less effort, and all of my relationships are stronger; personal, professional, friends and family. Eventually I developed a new self image and, damn, I like him a whole hell of a lot more than the old one. Good luck, this is all part of the process. Glad you're here with us on EC. -The Seeker
Ah the Closet such a comforting place, a place where you can't be hurt, a place that we control the atmosphere, a place that was slowly killing our emotional self. Since Coming Out I know I have such a personal peace about myself. I can face each day knowing that I am truly being who I am. I have much to experience now that I am Out and in a strange way I'm nervous about it. On the other hand I'm excited about what lies ahead.
