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Need Advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MJ19878, Sep 19, 2015.

  1. MJ19878

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    Hey All,

    Just came across this site and though I’d give it a try. I’m a 27 year old male struggling with coming out. I live in a major city with a big gay population, I am a plastic surgery resident/doctor. I am definitely gay, have slept with men, but have not come out to almost all of my family/friends. My family/friends, are pretty religious/conservative Jews, hard-core Republicans (especially my parents).

    I have always had a nice life. I have been blessed to have grown up in a wealthy family, love my family, incredible friends. But I have always been worried that I would be cut off from them if I come out (financially too from my parents). My parents essentially fully support my life. I am a resident in plastic surgery, so although I will be able to make money in a number of years, right now I do not make much, so my father essentially gives me whatever I want. With that being said, I feel guilty about coming out because I feel so grateful to them for all that they have done for me, and I think it is selfish for me to do something that they would be so upset with. I am also worried about being cut off- while I make a salary, my lifestyle would dramatically change if I was cut off- I’d have to move into a smaller apartment, I could not afford my gym membership, couldn’t buy expensive things…I am also worried about losing my friends who mean soo much to me. Lastly, I believe in Gd, and a huge part of me still believes that homosexuality is a sin and gays are going to hell. And then I think, well there really is no way for us to prove that homosexuality is not a sin, so maybe I am better off hedging my bets, not coming out (and being potentially not as happy in this life) and then having an eternity in heaven in the afterlife (to make sure that in case being gay is a sin I do not go to hell).

    One more thing- I have always wanted children (biological) and a family. And it is obviously so much easier to achieve that with a woman then a man..

    Now, I came out to my younger sister about 6 monyhs because I knew I could trust her. She took the news pretty well, but she said to me that she is sad because 1. She says I will never feel comfortable in my parents home; 2. Many (if not most) of my friends will distance themselves from me over this, and she knows how important these relationships are to me. Interestingly, my sister told me that my mother suspects I am gay, but too often when I am around my mother (and sometimes father) she makes homophobic comments- this morning she made a comment about how disgusted she was that Obama made a gay man the head of the army, and she has mentioned before about how disgusted she is with gay people and how badly she feels about the fact that children are being raised by two gay parents (all these comments were made to me, even though she suspects I am gay per my sister). My parents also tell me non-stop that I have to marry a woman already and start a family.

    I saw a psychologist for a while over this, and while we would make progress during our sessions, as soon as they were over I would revert back to thinking I’d be crazy for coming out. My sister told me that my aunt told her she knows I am gay, but my aunt told my sister that I should marry a woman have children, and then do whatever I want to do with my life.

    I am stuck in a bind. Any advice?
     
  2. Really

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    Hey there MJ,

    Welcome to EC. You'll find lots of good support and advice here. I have a few questions/comments.

    First off, (and sorry if this is tangential but it stuck out to me), is there an afterlife in Judaism? I always thought there wasn't. Either way, I wouldn't worry about it.

    I wonder if your mother's homophobic comments are meant somehow to goad you into saying something. Even if it's just, "Stop saying those things. It's homophobic and actually really awful." If that prompts her to ask if you are gay, you can either come out to her or say, "With those comments, do you think I'd want to tell you?" Give her something to think about and at a minimum think twice before talking like that again.

    I think living a more minimal life for a while is a fair price to pay for long term happiness because you already know your lifestyle will pick up once you're fully employed as an MD. You might even find it feels cleansing to give up some material "comforts".

    I would hope with a history of persecution, your friends and family would be able to find a way to accept you as you really are despite how they seem from the outside - conservative, etc.

    I think it's GREAT that you told your sister. Surely, she can be support for you coming out further? Your aunt sounds bonkers. I would ignore what she says about marrying a woman.

    Are you going to shul for Yom Kippur? Why don't you tell Gd you're gay and see what happens. My money's on nothing bad. Make this your sweetest year yet, ok?
     
  3. MJ19878

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    Thanks for your response, appreciate it.
    There is an afterlife, and I am not so much worried about not going to heaven, it's more that I am worried about spending an eternity in hell.

    I have wanted to tell my parents before that there comments are totally inappropriate, but I just know that they will definitely take that as a sign that I am gay, and as I have never been ready to come out, I just have not been able to tell my parents off.

    In terms of lifestyle, I know I could live a few years within my mean (although to be honest I doubt any plastic surgeon would say "t feels cleansing to give up some material comforts," but is it wrong of me to think it selfish to do something that may be so hurtful to my parents after all that they have done for me?

    I think that the best outcome in terms of my family/friends if I came out to them is that they would essentially ignore it and never speak about it. I have two gay cousins (one of whom is openly gay and one who is openly gay to everyone except the family), but their orientation is never discussed or mentioned in public. (of note, neither are the kinds of people I feel comfortable talking to about this- one is 18, incredibly immature and huge gossip, the other is 40, and parties too much plus is not even out).

    My sister has tried to talk to me more, but for some reason whenever she tries to get me to open up more, I just tell her that i'm fine and have nothing to say. She has actually sent me a few articles about people in my position, and I told her I thought it was kind of weird- I sort of feel uncomfortable having my sister think that I am gay (I guess I am not 100% comfortable being gay myself). I also never explicitly told her I was gay, just basically told her I was without ever using the "gay" word (of note I have been dating women occasionally and my sister is aware of this- she just asked me if I was forcing myself to do so.

    In terms of Gd, I can't go to this year for services (unfortunately have to work in the hospital), but my prayers to Gd have mainly centered around my being gay and asking Gd to change me...
     
  4. Really

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    Ok. It doesn't sound like you are quite ready to come out to your parents. It sounds like you still need to get a bit more comfortable with being gay, for yourself. And, as you've already spoken about it with Gd, you know nothing cataclysmic has happened or will now, right? You will not got to hell.

    I think you need to reframe this in your head with regards to dealing with your parents. You will not be doing this to hurts them. Anything and everything they've done for you was because they love you. When the time comes, you will be doing this for yourself and any uncomfortable or negative reaction they have will, I'm sure, pass because they do love you.

    You might find this video by Dan Savage interesting. He's very good and you might like his others, too.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxAa2Hd7q8k

    You might also search out Greatwhale here too. He's an advisor now. You could contact him directly. He knows his Judaism better than I do. And gives great advice. :slight_smile:
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    I agree with Really, that you might not be ready to come out yet and you probably need to work on yourself a bit more. But I do have several thoughts in that regard:

    Have you considered telling them how you do not agree with their comments, given this day and age of acceptance, and see how they react? Even if they then question your sexuality to you directly, which they seem to be doing in discussions with other members of your family (at least your mother is), you do not need to confirm anything. But at least it does plant a seed and get them thinking in the back of their head?

    In terms of your education and career, it does seem like your family has provided well for you and your are quite comfortable. That said, you have progressed massively with your studies and I would imagine have reached a point where if the worst case scenario occurred, your parents cut you off, you could go and get loans to help finish your medical studies. Would it be a financial burden you are not used to, sure. But in realty, your path to self awareness needs to also include self independence, particularly at 27, don't you think? Once you get comfortable with the prospects of independence, you eliminate a massive hurdle towards reaching self awareness which can then help with coming out. In other words, once your parents no longer have any financial leverage over you, you are able to live as you want and be whom you want.

    I wonder, if you were to put your concerns on a scale, where would the scale tip. Are you more concerned about your religion, your family perception or are you more concerned about your financial security?

    I am sure there is a massive amount of pressure from your parents to be a great surgeon, a responsible jew, and parent with a spouse and kids. I see no reason why you still can not achieve all of that, even if you were openly gay.

    Having grown up in a Jewish home with very similar types of pressures, it really pisses me off how distorted my parents view of the world was. Their definition of what success means, their perception of how someone should live their life; less based on personal happiness and more based on the perception of others (religion, financial well being, family). Nothing has made me happier than to be able to have found my own self fulfillment and self awareness, and to be able look at them without a moment of concern about what they think.

    You have the ability and opportunity to do the same!
     
    #5 OnTheHighway, Sep 22, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2015