I'm so lost guys. My emotions are stretched to the max. As some of you may know, either by knowing me personally or through other threads, i've just recently had an abortion. If that were the only thing bothering me, i could probably deal. But because of that, I am being shunned by my mother's side of the family. Like how the amish shun someone who turns away from religion...ya...that's what's happening to me. Which really sucks. At the same time, I let it slip to my devout christian mother that I am not christian, but instead atheist...kinda agnostic but mostly atheist. So not only did i lose my first child and my family but also the people at church who have known me from the time i was 2 months old. My boyfriend came back to me on christmas eve, so at least he is here letting me vent and get all my emotions out, even though i am trying to hide them from him so he isn't hurt by seeing how much i am hurt. (if that even makes sense) And i just finished telling my roommate everything and crying my eyes out to her. I had to force myself to throw out the pain killers the abortion clinic supplied me with because i was so close at one point to overdosing on them purpously. I felt, that because of everything i'd lost (the boyfriend was gone at the point) i had no point to live anymore. I was done. But i threw the pills out. But i'm back to feeling hopeless. Classes just started up again at school. I don't want to kill myself. I couldn't do that anyway. But i also feel like there is nothing left for me. I have no happiness and no hope. I am happy at times, but its never real happiness. Alot of it is forced and i'm wearing a mask. And today my mask cracked, and the boyfriend saw a fraction of how much i'm hurting. I don't know guys. I just don't know how to cope with all this pain and loss. I don't know. I've just got no hope any longer.
Would it be possible for you to go out of town for a couple of days? Like go camping or something like that. I've found that going away for just a couple of days can do wonders to clear my mind.
No...classes just started back up on campus and i've got 19 credit ours a week. I just came back from an almost two month winter break.
I'm sorry honey. When I'm having some issues I take a hot shower and then a nap. Maybe you can devote one afternoon to yourself. When I spend some me time I feel a little better.
Try to keep your thoughts hopeful, and do whatever you need to find time to enjoy something. Anything that you like and also helps you get your mind off of any stressful thoughts. Most of all don't succumb to the emptiness. It might seem like everything is getting worse but trust me there is always always always light to follow and extinguish the darkness. I am also an atheist/agnostic. I don't give it a lot of thought but my dad is devout Christian and he treats me like crap when it comes to my belief. He disrespects me despite the fact that I never belittle him. Some people let religion control their ego. They forget about what is most important, and that is being there for the people you love and care about, no matter what. Give your family time though, and don't throw in the towel when it comes to them just yet. If they don't come around you need to know that you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Be proud of yourself. I wish you the absolute best in everything! If you ever want to talk we all will be here. *hugs*
Myra, I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. (*hug*) There is ALWAYS hope. Only there are times when it's so 'dark' that you can't see it any more. That's where you are. I've been there too. I know that it's hard to believe when someone says things like this... If someone had told me 2 years ago (almost to the day) that my life was going to be as great now as it actually is, I'd have NEVER believed them. That's when I was also contemplating suicide because there really seemed to be no point in carrying on. But thankfully I did carry on. And the hurt lasts a long time, but it gets better. And the darkness slowly gives way to light. And with hindsight you get perspective on issues and problems that seemed impossible to overcome at the time. So all I can say is focus on today. Just today. Do what's in front of you. It sounds like that is going to class. So do that. Just one hour at a time if that's all you can face. But do it. And with every passing hour and with every passing day, things will get better. Don't hesitate to PM me if you want to chat. I've been in that dark place and I know how scary and lonely it is, and it makes me sad knowing that you're there right now. :icon_sad:
i don't know what it's like to lose a child. But I know what it's like to be on the outside and hurting so bad that you swear to god it's gonna kill you. If you need ANYTHING hit up Jim and I. We've been there.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard. My advice would be to seek out professional help. You may be going through a kind of post tramatic stress disorder. A professional would know this and be able to help you. I wish you the best,hon. Please...get the help. You're a good person and even good people have problems. Do this for YOU.
(*hug*) I'm truely sorry for how your family is treating you; the attitude of some religious people is disgusting. Try not to think about it for the rest of the week and get your work done, that way you can focus on yourself this weekend. I'm going through a similar thing right now. I took a day for myself and just relaxed and tried to escape from everything that was going on. I'm not in the same situation that you are, but it did help me some. If you ever need to vent, I'm here. (*hug*)
I'm sorry you are feeling this way Myra. Some professional counseling could be useful I think. You have not lost everything. You have your boyfriend back and you have your future in front of you. You suffered a deep loss. You are not going to get over it immediately. Give yourself time to grieve. Take care of yourself. I grew up in a Christian town. It is almost unheard of for anybody to stray from that. It is so deeply rooted in your upbringing and culture. If people hear that you are "different" in your beliefs, they freak out and think you are doomed to hell. I have even sat in funeral services while people place judgment on the deceased because they didn't think they behaved in the way they think they should have. Its unbelievable! I would say just give it time and it will blow over. They will find somebody else to judge. They always do! (*hug*)
Im sorry and i feel bad that your going through this, but even though things seem hopeless there might be hope, just don't give up =] remember there are still people that care about you =]
I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Its really hard keeping the mask of happiness up. I know its not good to do that, but people don't want to see the grief i feel. I don't cry enough but..i don't want to keep my roommate awake at night by crying. And i really don't want to go to a therapist. Not that there's anything wrong with them. I respect their occupation and everything, but...I don't want to prove my family right. I want to be able to work this on my own. They (the side of the family shunning me) told me that i'd be screwed up permanently from this psychologically and would have to see numerous therapists. I don't want to admit they are right. I mean, is there a way to get past...what is it...post traumatic stress or postpartum depression with out the use of drugs (medical drugs lol) or therapy? I was planning on going out and fencing tonight to get my endorphins up again. Plus its winter..I always get depressed in winter. Not enough sunlight. I want to start exercising to lose the baby weight i gained, but i start bleeding every time i work too hard. And dieting is not working. I gave up on that because i felt like i was starving living off of carrot sticks and broccoli. Wow...sorry that was a rant. I hope it made sense. Original question: how to get past this without drugs or therapy. Suggestions?
Your family doesn't have to know you are seeing a therapist. You could even go talk to a counselor at your school and it would be confidential. Obviously if you are still bleeding your body is not ready for exercise just yet. Just take things slow.
I think seeing a therapist is something which would really help you. It's not proving your family right at all. One therapist helping you to get through it is not the same as "Numerous therapists" because you're "screwed up pertinently". This is not permanent and to help yourself, you might have to accept as much help as you can get. Your family have no need to know about this help. As for your weight, get as much rest as you need. If you gain a bit now it's not the end of the world and it will come off eventually. At the moment you need to focus on getting yourself through this. (*hug*)
I'll second some of the advice here. Firstly, for the time being, scale back. WAY back. Your goals are going to be things like "getting through the day". Make yourself a mental checklist of everything you need to accomplish - even the small obvious stuff like brushing your teeth - and mentally check them off as you get them done. And secondly, yes, therapist. Counseling exists precisely for the sort of situation you're in. They're not there for when everything's going swimmingly. They're there for when things look bleak and hopeless. Can you make it through without therapy? Yes, but it's much MUCH more difficult and painful. If pride is the only thing keeping you away, do your best to swallow it and go. As becky pointed out, they don't have to know. My gut feeling is that if you get the therapy NOW, you won't need it later. In short, it won't be a permanent thing. Thirdly, and most importantly, lean on your friends when you have to. That's what they're there for. Lex
I suppose it is pride, but i don't like to show my weaknesses. I've yet to be able to fully cry and show my emotions to anyone. Tonight though, my boyfriend and i are going to find a nice quiet place where i can just show him how much this hurts and i can cry apologetically and as much as i need to. I'm scared to show him what its been doing to me because i hate being and appearing weak. I'm too independent of a person to go to someone about my emotions. So...i suppose this is a step in the right direction?
Everyone Has Their Downfalls, You Can't Always Be Strong, It's Natural To Be Weak Sometimes, It's Not Always A Bad Thing. I Hope You And Your Boyfriend Can Help You Work Things Out About Your Loss. As For Your Family, This Is All New To Them, They Are Just Trying To Get Used To The Idea. They Should Be Able To Cope Sooner Or Later, They Are Your Parents And I Am Sure They Love You.
Yes. I think it's most certainly a step in the right direction. And I think it takes strength to ask for help when we need it. Lex
Well, after crying my eyes out to my boyfriend last night, i don't feel less hurt, but i do feel a whole lot less stressed and slightly relieved. I don't think he knew how much i was hurting until i showed him. Snot running outta my knows, face red from tears...it was ugly. but he sat there and sympathized with me and held me, reassuring me that time was going to take some of the pain away. but it makes things easier now that there is someone out there who knows exactly how i feel. a lot easier.
I'm sure it helps to have someone else on board that understands how you're feeling, although they can't possilbly know exactly - nobody can. Seeing a therapist isn't a sign of weakness - it's a sign of strength. It shows that you don't give a damn what your close-minded and heartless relatives think, and that you're going to do what is right for you. I sincerely think that we should ALL see therapists! I don't think any of us are truly prepared to face the challenges that life throws at us alone - and that an unbiased and trained professional can help us negotiate through these things. It won't be forever, but it will help for now. I saw mine for 2 years. At first once a week, and eventually only once a month. It helps - really! I'd recommend it! For now, don't push yourself too much. Try to do things that make you feel good but that aren't too strenuous. You're obviously not physically ready for a lot of exercise, so just decide that you'll try again in 30 days. Once that decision is made, there's no need to visit the topic again for 30 days. Give yourself a break. You deserve it. *hugs*
