1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming Out To Mother

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by brimo072, Sep 20, 2015.

  1. brimo072

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2014
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I'm 28 years old currently, and I'm a homosexual. I live with my mother who is disabled. She doesn't make enough money from social security to pay her mortgage, bills, and groceries for her and my younger brother, so I've been living at home to help support them and still have a roof over my head. I'm currently the only person in the house working, as both my father and my sister have passed away.

    My mother is a Christian, and is grossed out by the idea of LGBT and hates hearing about it on the news. Hates the fact that gay marriage is legal, and won't watch any movie where there's a scene of two guys or girls even kissing.

    As far as she knows, I've never had a girlfriend (which is true). The conversation has come up before in previous arguments: "Why don't you do anything on the weekends? You could always go out somewhere and try to meet a girl, you're not gay are you? You seem so lonely and depressed all the time." My brother is the opposite; he's 20 years old and has brought girls over and slept with them here in our house numerous times (mother allows it after realizing she couldn't stop it, just frowns upon it). He's even caught chlamydia, my mother had to pay for his doctor's visit to get it cleared up because he's too lazy and involved with his band to get a job, and mother won't kick him out.

    That's a story for another time though. I have a boyfriend who is 23 and shares an apartment with friends who all know of his orientation. I'm tired of being the anchor in the relationship. He's never stepped foot in my home because of my fear of my mother putting 2 and 2 together upon meeting him (he's not flamboyant but not totally masculine either). He lives out-of-town, and I'm tired of having to meet up with him in a parking lot somewhere to pick him up and go hang out at a park just to be alone with him.

    I'm caught in a financial struggle at home where I can't afford my own car (driving my mother's car, which she shouldn't be driving because of her health issues but does occasionally) and I can't afford my own place because I'm supporting my mom and brother. My mother has been busting her disabled ass trying to get this house ready to sell while I'm at work so she can get an affordable apartment so I can be out on my own, but the process isn't going quick enough. I can see it being another year before this happens, at least.

    Is it screwed up that, despite all of these issues at home, I want to use that as collateral for coming out? She could disown me and kick me out, but she would be kicking out the main source of income for the family, thus allowing me to live out on my own without obligation besides myself. She could try to live with her disgust of her only son that's worth a damn, thus increasing her depression to an all-time high where I'm worried about her own safety, or maybe she could just get over it. Maybe I can get closer to my boyfriend by inviting him into our home finally, so that I'm not busting my ass trying to plan the logistics of seeing him so much. Who knows, maybe we could grow closer through this and I could end up living with him when the time comes to sell this house and move out.
     
    #1 brimo072, Sep 20, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2015
  2. Demize

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Albany, WA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    My parents are the same way just leave breadcrumbs until they figure it out
     
  3. 50ishandout

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2015
    Messages:
    338
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    First of all your brother is a tool. 20 years old and relying on mother. Tell him to get a job and help out.

    Is your boyfriend the willing type that may come over as a friend so that your mother can meet him and go from there.

    Although your mother is Christian she's still your mother and I am sure she wants you to be happy. Religion plays a role in people's life's until they realize it's contrary to their own life in a situation such as yours.
     
  4. brimo072

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2014
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    My boyfriend and I talked about him coming over as a friend, and even planned on it Saturday until plans changed for an unrelated reason. I'm slightly worried that she'll put together the pieces and figure it out once she meets him, especially since I don't have too many friends and he's not totally masculine anyway. I SHOULDN'T be worried, since I want to come out, but maybe the fact that I AM worried is saying something. Like maybe I should back away from the idea of coming out.

    I said the exact same thing about coming out to my friends too, though, until I forced myself to spill my guts and it turned out fine.
     
  5. 50ishandout

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2015
    Messages:
    338
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boston
    Sometimes you've just got to throw caution in the wind and go for it. Have your "friend " over if Mom figures it out, it's out there and she can think about how happy you are.

    As far as backing away from the idea of Coming Out, you have or want to do it adventually. It's never going to be the perfect time, so there's no time like the present.

    Good luck, let us know how you make out.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To answer your specific question, you should use whatever collateral is available for coming out, and if that means using your position has the provider for the family, then so be it. The world has used a lot of collateral to put and keep people in the closet, no issues in using some to do the same and come out.
     
    #6 OnTheHighway, Sep 22, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2015
  7. Donteatthesushi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2015
    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    This is going to be a long post so here goes. I had the same problem as you, my mother is a hard line christian and a homophobe, coming out to her left me in tears and hurt like hell when she rejected the idea that i'm gay. The usual excuses come up "it's because of X (being in college or whatever)" or "maybe because your dad wasn't around as much or spend time with you". I ended up going back to college early from vacation. I was so ashamed of being gay, i cried myself almost every night since i went back and i wanted to kill myself (and i almost did). I ended up pushing my boyfriend away and started avoiding him because of what happened. I became so paranoid, i kept looking over my shoulder suspecting people of knowing what i am, smiles became suspicious, laughter felt like it was directed at me, i felt like everyone knew and they're all making fun of me behind my back. I was in a very very very dark place, i still haven't gotten completely out of that place, but i'm fighting to not end it all. I began isolating myself, pushing my friends away from me and my boyfriend who was worried more than anything and we had the biggest fight we ever had and i ended it, i'm now trying to get back together with him, if he'll forgive me (it's my fault for going off on him for something that was not his fault). I came out on here and told my story and an adviser gave me some great advice and i suggest the same for you. here are his words to me "Loving our parents doesn't mean agreeing with them or accepting their word as being true and correct at all times. When we are very small, it's different and we have to do as our parents say, but as we mature and learn to think for ourselves and become adults we have the right to disagree with them. In this instance I think your mom is wrong and even though she might prefer to say no more about it, that will not help. At some point you will have to sort this out with your mom, but not while you are so upset. It might be better to do it in writing, even if that seems less personal, because the pain and distress is not worth it. Give yourself time to recover first. When it comes to dealing with your mom again, call upon the resources of this forum and PFLAG to help you and support you. We want the best outcome for you." Those are his words to me and i think they would be great advice for you as well. I'm taking his advice (slow steps though). As for your boyfriend I suggest you don't make he mistake i did, be with him. I made a huge mistake, i still have a far way to go. I know how it feels like you'll be a burden to him, but if he loves you he'll stick with you. Just make sure you don't do the stupid things i did with mine.
     
    #7 Donteatthesushi, Sep 23, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2015
  8. SiennaFire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,161
    Likes Received:
    246
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    While coming out should not be a power play, you have amazing leverage here. You are basically supporting your mother and brother. If you want to come out, go for it. If they accept you, then you can live authentically. If they boot you out of the house, then you have a get out of jail free card. Either way you win.