Acknowledge your true self, sooner rather than later. Trust me :)

This is a message to all young people who are struggling with their sexuality and struggling on the decision on whether to repress and brush aside or embrace. I say EMBRACE. Do nothing but EMBRACE the life you have been chosen for. I am 33. I believe I first somewhat knew I was different around age 10, and may have had my first crush on a girl around then. I wasn't interested in my friends conversations about boys. I wasn't interested in talking about boys or dating them and I knew there was something "wrong" with me. This was back in the early 90's. Things have changed since. I was thin, and pretty, a dancer. I loved dance. I devoted as much time as I could to dance. I also devoted a lot of time to babysitting and assistant teaching at the dance studio. I think, in my mind, as long as I was busy babysitting or teaching dance my friends wouldn't wonder why I didn't want to spend time with them talking about boys, or worse, dating a boy. I had my first "boyfriend" at age 13, but it lasted only a few weeks bc I wasn't interested so I pretended I didn't have time. This continued into HS, any boyfriends lasted only short times, and never came of anything. I remember feeling like id like to snuggle with my friends who were girls (some of them)but I never actually had true feelings for a girl back then. But I know now if the opportunity had presented itself then I would have.

When I was 16 I became sexually active with guys. I acted slutty, thinking this would impress my friends (or make them believe I wasn't a lesbian which was my GREATEST fear). This continued after HS, I was with several different guys acting like I liked it (I never did). When I was 22 I met my now husband and settled down and got married. I never was interested in kissing, cuddling, or having sex. Ever. I did to create our son who is now 7. Throughout our 8 year marriage we have gone years with no sex, Ive avoided it that much.

A year ago I became best friends with my beautiful now girlfriend. We have known each other 3 years and just became best friends about a year ago. About 9 months ago we formed an emotional relationship. (our stories matched, with the same unhappiness in marriage, etc). And about 6 months ago that became a complete relationship, realizing we were already in love with each other. We now have an amazing relationship, what ive deep down always craved and wanted. We have this amazing bond. We can snuggle and talk for hours, about anything and everything. We love each other so much. Everything is amazing. Everything EXCEPT that we aren't "REALLY" together. We are. But we aren't because we both have husbands and children (who we love more than anything) that also matter. Our husbands both know. Both aren't happy. But they don't prevent us from having our relationship. We work alongside one another (at the business I own) so we get lots of time together during the days while kids are at school and we make our work schedule flexible so we get to snuggle and talk each day and time to just hang out. We value the time we get together. But at the same time, are sad bc we cant just be together at night like a normal couple. Its been a LOT of heartache. Im sad often at night especially, when I want to be with her but cant be

The moral of my story, if you are young (or any age really) and struggling whether to come out or suppress and brush aside, just EMBRACE it. This life chose you. Honestly, discovering this has been overpowering and eye opening for me. I am embracing it now. Though I do have to be careful who finds out we are basically living a double life. But really suppressing it isn't good any way you look at it. I guess my road wouldn't have been paved any other way, and I wouldn't have my beautiful child if I hadn't followed this path, but the heartache ive encountered I wish in a way I would have just embraced It to begin with then Id be living an authentic life, true to be the person I was chosen to be.

 

I really thought deep down I could change it, ignore it, pretend its not true. But it is. And I couldn't hide it forever and I no longer want to. But I somewhat have to bc of the situation.

 

Though I know my life couldn't have been paved any other way, and if I hadn't married my husband I wouldn't have my amazing son. But I am often jealous when I see lesbian couples who have always just acknowledged themselves and are happy together. I often wish I hadn't felt so powerless and weak that I wasn't strong enough to face the life I was actually chosen for.