I messed up with computers while young, way more than i should. Got deep into computers before internet was available to public, and there was already, by that time, dangerous stuff to do. In a endless searching for my identify, or to hide it, I got into fighting, learned martial arts just to prove that I can beat most people I know. And be stronger than the other guys from school and streets, but I didn't realized it was just me creating a character, beating others because I didn't like me too. I wasn't courageous, just imprudent, and I used that to get respect from people with same attitude. I messed up with all drugs I could (and still do), and as if that's not enough, I starting dealing with the world of occult. I had been with many women, most of them were prostitutes, until I knew one girl in college that was nice to me, so we married, and we had some really good times, but I didn't treat like i should. I had (and still has) mixed feeling about my sexual identity, because I feel attraction to women more than man, I like the sex, I like the flerting, but anal arouse gives me way more pleasure. And I still don't know what to do. I guess i got so conditioned to that "fake heterosexual" life, that some drugs help me take that barrier away. But when I sober i think twice, like if there is "no turn back". But I already went to far and I decided to move on. Even I still use drugs in the beginning, but I wanna experience full sex pleasure. I just need some push. Cuz I do a lot of stupid things, but i'm not courageous like you!
This post seems to be a good step in the right direction, and finding courage. You obviously have recognised a lot about yourself, and that's a large part of the battle, the next step is to do something about it. My question in reading your post, do you know what you want to do about it?
Yes... A week has passed and even I living a farm, with only small cities around that are like at least 40km, I already a met a nice guy I think two days after I wrote this message. Very unexpected, considering where I live, but I know i would find someone as soon as I start changing my mind, and that happened not yesterday, but a few years ago ago, with small step towards the right direction. We already met in person and soon I hope we'll be having great sex, but not only sex, because I'm enjoying this. It's just like the same kinda "game" with a woman sometimes that it makes me feel awkard by my "default" pseudo hetero or maybe bissexual being lol.
