Help - really struggling. Late bloomer, no relationship experience.

Hi There,

I'm hoping someone could help me out.

I'm really struggling with a few things. I'm 34 years old and came out to my parents, when I was 26 years old. As I'm Indian, it was a real struggle. To cut a long story short, they really rejected my sexuality and my dad beat me up a couple of times.

Cut forward to when I turned 29, it took that long to come through that ordeal, which really took a knock on my confidence and self-worth and esteem.

Before then, I had a few short term boyfriends, sex only a few times, but I knew I was gay from when I was at university. I just never had the courage to come out, as I knew how my strict asian parents would react.

Between 26-29, as I was still dealing with my parents and their reaction and generally, trying to rebuild our family relationship, I really didn't have the emotional and mental capacity to date anyone. At that age, I still had a few gay friends and went out on the scene ever now and then, but i never had any interest to pursue anything. I think subconsciously for a while, I went back in the closet to a degree.

I move out from home when I was about 27, to be near work. I used to come back regularly on the weekends. (Up until then, my parents wanted to marry me off). So as well as coming out to them, I had to try and bat off their want for an arranged marriage, (which was difficult as they were quite traditional and both my older sisters had arranged marriages).

So, my early 20's were kinda sheltered and my late 20's, I was trying to kick off 3 shit storms. Coming out and then telling my parents thats why I couldn't have an arranged marriage, and then disappointing them even further, (in their eyes), when i moved out. I did everything an Indian girl shouldn't.

From 30 - 32, they were great years. I was finally free. I had no idea, just how much my parents controlled me, until I was free. I had some great flat mates, (straight) I became more independent and I started to work out, and just look after my mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. By that, I mean, I started to get my confidence and self-esteem back up. I started to love myself. And I didn't need anyone for a while.. I always told myself during these years, enjoy them for yourself and when you're ready, then start dating.

So in 2013, not long after i turned 32, I was ready to get out there and make more friends. I was more active on the scene. Going to lesbian nights. I started a social group for people of colour, where I met one of my best friends. And life was going well. My relationship with my parents, was finally better too. (Although they don't talk about or embrace my sexuality, they have at least accepted I'm gay and won't ever have an arranged marriage).

I guess you could call me a late bloomer. It's at this point, I started to learn the trials and tribulations of dating. I went on a couple of dates that summer. And never went further. Until I met this one hot chick in a club on NYE. It felt like the scene of a movie. She was stunning and we made eye contact twice. Here friend introduced us and I was buzzing, because I had never seen a girl as fine as her for a long time.

(Before then, I had a massive crush on a friend, who rejected me and cut me off when I told her I liked her). I forgot to mention this. The fourth thing I had to deal with late in life, my first heartbreak at 28 I think.

Turns out the girl from the club had just come out of a relationship and I was so drunk that night, she gave me her number. Nothing happened, but I remember her just always being impatient and pissed off. I stayed in touch with her and invited her out a few times - she always said no or maybe. Eventually in April, we arranged to meet in a club with friends. And i was prepared. I spoke to her a lot. I had my lines perfectly ready and I think I got her interest. And eventually after a few texts, we had dinner and drinks in May.

I was terrified. I had no idea if she was interested in me romantically, after all that time. So I turned up hungover. I was a bit grumpy, but the nerves just made me freeze half way through the night. It was my first date ever, with someone I actually fancied bad. I had no idea how to be. I was not cool like I was in April, I think the formalities terrified me. Coupled with the fact I had limited sex experience with women, I had no idea what I was doing. The night turned into a disaster.

Turns out we had mutual friends - her bff, was dating the girl/friend who rejected me years before and she seemed to know a lot about me, which made me nervous. She seemed to know, I had a hard time coming out - which caught me off guard, I didn't want to talk about the worst time of my life.

So I thought I'd just try and imagine I was hanging out with a friend. So I started telling her about my work and some difficulties. How I wanted to get a new job. She started rolling her eyes and getting sarcastic and eventually, pretty much walked away from me, after the night got worse and worse. I was distraught at my bad that night went, after months of excitement.

I sent her a text 2 days later to apologise and tell her that I was just really nervous. Had that I would never had been hungover on a real date. She said she wasn't interested in another date.

I think then i realised, NYE was just a hook up and maybe she never really was interested in me.

From that moment onwards, i realised, I had no dating experience at all. The rejection and how the whole evening went, just made me go backwards with my development. The last year or so, I've realised, that I waited too long to come out and part of me hates my parents, for how much they controlled and restricted my development, earlier in my life.

I tried going on a few more dates afterwards. And I met one girl Elli, who was smart, hot and American. But my self esteem and confidence was so low, she called it a day after 3 dates. That's the longest, I've dated someone.

I met another girl on NYE last year, followed by the nicest date I've ever had. We spoke for hours and although we were different, we kissed in the rain at the end of the night. When I followed up with another date, she never came back to me. After running into her friend, later that week, she said she wasn't ready to date, because she needed more time to get over her ex.

I've never seen her since. I went a little wild after then, going out lots and drinking a lot. Partying a lot. Catching up on the lesbian club scene, but I've never met anyone worth meeting.

I hated myself for a long time during this period. For my lack of experience. All I want is a relationship and someone to love, someone who actually likes me and loves me. I have some lesbian friends, who seem to have so much confidence radiating in them. They've had loads of girlfriends or in relationships. And I feel like, there is a massive part of me which is incomplete, due to my lack of not being loved by anyone. Or ever being in a relationship.

I feel like I've developed some anxiety now. I care about what people think. I get defensive slightly when out. And I'm only comfortable, or myself, around a certain group of friends.

The icing on the cake, was this March. Where I went a away for a weekend, with a new friend and her ex. (They had been broken up for a year and a half). I actually met the ex last year and we instantly connected/locked eyes. I tried to keep her out of my mind. But when we went away, we got on so well.

We stayed in touch a few days after - a few texts turned into long late night calls. We laughed and joked about everything. She was hot, smart, a Dr, funny, gentle, just perfect. I thought maybe, I had met someone decent. I thought maybe, my hard work was paying off finally.

We were going to arrange to meet in a hotel, but I didn't think it was right. I didn't know how my friend was going to react, so I just wanted to keep playing it cool. Nothing happened physically at that point, until we met for coffee one evening, before she started work. The time flew by quickly. I don't know where it went and I kissed her goodbye on the cheek. I asked her, if she was still interested in her ex. Sometimes while away on holiday, I could see their old chemistry. It almost felt like they were together at times. I had to be sure and she said she was over it.

So that night, I asked my friend how she'd feel if something did happen. Obviously, nothing really happened at that point and i wanted to let her know, that i liked her a little. I remember her asking me, if her ex liked me and I said I think so, I couldn't really be sure.

The next day, my friend worked from home, (she had been rent a room at her ex's the last few weeks) and after speaking together in the morning, my friend sent me some angry messages and cut me off. I sent my friend an email explaining that it was just all really innocent and nothing happened - she basically told me to f off. I told her about how I rejected the hotel idea, (it came from the ex). And then the ex got angry at me, for being so open with my friend. I just wanted to be honest.

I never really heard back from the ex. And to finish this off, the ex and my friend are now back together. Turns out, that morning when my friend worked from home, she begged for her to come back.

It took a few months to get over that. Thinking I maybe had a chance with someone. Then being f@cked over for trying to do the right thing. Loosing my friend, (who I think actually betrayed me more), but not giving me a chance to speak in person and leaving me to whatsapp and email. We just got on thats all. We never had sex. Any sexual advance all came from the ex, which i played down and tried to control.

And then, pretty much the ex not wanting to speak to me. I kind just lost all hope after then. Thiss was earlier this year. The last few years, I've gone in a circle of loosing some friends, or liking someone and it never going far.

My confidence right now, is at an all time low. I'm not 34 years and I've never been in a relationship. I've had sex with a girl only twice. I feel like I;m so inexperienced, that even if I met someone, I wouldn't be able to physically please them. The thought of going to a gay bar now, is far from my mind. Part of me just doesn't want to meet anyone, the other part of me is fed up. I don't deserve this and I feel like this all, has affected who I am today.

I'm not as self assured or confident, as I used to be. Sometimes, with new people/potential friends, I'ma nervous wreck. I'd say I'm pretty good looking. I'm funny, but I feel like I'm not worth a lot to people. I don't have a strong education, but I seem to meet smart women. Then, the insecurity kicks in, that I'm not educated enough, for say a doctor, or Phd student. The last 2 girls were doctors. Elli was a PHD student.

I feel like I'm getting old. Both my sisters and 2 kids now. I see my parents disappointment in me all the time. I wish, I could be better. I wish, I hadn't come out so late. Because, I am really struggling now, to make basic human connections.

A few years ago, I used to be suave. When I was 30, I was suave. I worked on myself so much, I was unbreakable. And then the reality kicked in, I had only really started to live then. And that actually living, is very, very hard.

Please help. I'm struggling. I want my old self back, but the last two years of bad dates and romantic encounters and rejection in every form is hard. You see, I have no idea what it feels like to be loved. I can't relate to it. I just know the rejection. And it's hard to break away from it.

 

Thank you for the post and kind comments. I'm scared people won't give me a chance, after finding out I'm sexually inexperienced and never been in a relationship. It's killing me - seeing people I've date, but lost to them to other people, because I wasn't confident enough.

Can someone help? Anyone been in a similar situation?