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I think I might be a lesbian but I'm completely confused

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by vannavon, Sep 26, 2015.

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  1. vannavon

    vannavon
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    EVerett
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hello, for the longest time I had thought I was just heterosexual and had been with men, according to my social structures and my family's (particularly my mother's) beliefs. In short, every man I've ever dated has had more feminine qualities, but has overall been very toxic relationships as a whole. I have little to no male role models in my life, leading me to feel like the majority of the meaningful relationships that I have had have been with women (manly friendships) where as with most men it was always an attempt to get in my pants essentially. I think I am a lesbian, but I don't want to dismiss an entire gender based on a few bad eggs. My confusion lies in that I want meaningful relationships, but I only get that through women. It's such a confusing time for me, also I am in my early 20s, so it feels like I'm discovering this stuff very late (or at least in the perspective of my other LGBT friends and colleague)
     
    #1 vannavon, Sep 26, 2015
  2. rachael1954

    rachael1954
    Full Member

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    You are not discovering it late! Be glad of the fact that it's happening now, because some of us are 40, 50, 60+ and still figuring this stuff out :slight_smile: *ahem, cough cough, me, clears throat* :slight_smile:

    You don't have to dismiss an entire gender, you can continue to date and hang out with both women and men as you find the ground beneath you. See who you connect with as friends, emotionally, and chemistry-wise. If you find you only get relationships of meaning with women, so be it? It is better than living life numb and pretending you have depth of feeling for someone. You'll need to follow your feelings and be brave, but I believe you can do this, although you may never know if you are bi or a lesbian (I'm assuming you are not straight based on what you have written). Some people are fluid and change throughout their lives. Some people are one thing, and some can lean both ways but stay attracted to both.

    It's something I'm dealing with, the fact that I may never know 100% what I am.

    Welcome to EC!
     
    #2 rachael1954, Sep 26, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2015
  3. TheRealTheaJane

    TheRealTheaJane
    Regular Member

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    I figured it out by dating men and women for a while. I then realised that I was more attracted to girls in general, both physically and emotionally. It just felt more natural dating girls over guys.

    Maybe try dating a few girls and see how it works out?

    You can still be friends with both genders, or bi, as Rachael said: you can also be fluid and be attracted to whoever you find attractive :slight_smile:
     
    #3 TheRealTheaJane, Sep 27, 2015
  4. Ivy Iris

    Ivy Iris
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I went through something similar and had different stages of denial. Like you, the men I dated had more feminine features than masculine and the relationships were toxic. I wasn't happy. They weren't happy either. I get along with men, but on a bromantic, if you will, level. Once, a guy broke up with me because he said he felt like I was a bro with boobs.

    Having a piece of advice from a slightly younger person than you may not make you feel like the problem has an answer, but I think all you need to do for now is take it slow and relax. Like racheal1954 said, hang out with both and examine your feelings carefully. Don't be afraid, if for instance, you discover you are actually a lesbian. Accepting who you are to yourself will automatically make you feel better. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Ivy Iris, Sep 27, 2015
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