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"Who I am inside hasn't changed"? ... ummmm

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GenderSciFi, Sep 27, 2015.

  1. GenderSciFi

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    Hey folks,
    I've got a question for you.
    So it's often recommended to tell people who you come out to that "who you are hasn't changed".

    I don't know if that's just a calming figure of speech to make them feel better, so they don't think: "There's this huge thing about my child/sibling/best friend/partner... that I never recognized, OMIGOD I don't know them at all, this changes EVERYTHING!":tears:

    When I pondered whether I could use that phrase in coming out letters about my sexuality and gender, I thought...:

    Well, everything has actually changed. I'm thinking new things, doing new things, even changing life plans. I finally managed to change the way I think and act about my friggin gender. Yay! That's part of who I am. Of course big parts of my character remain the lovely old self.

    [I'm talking about people who I'm really close to, but that I don't see every day, and that don't know much about LGBTQIA+ issues, so they don't "suspect" a thing about my gender. Probably think I've "turned gay" though... Okay, it's my parents.]

    Do you know better things to say? Stuff that says things have changed and they really should adjust, while not upsetting them too much (I know that's not really my job, but hey, if I can help it...)? Did anybody else have trouble balancing this out? I could really use some tips...

    GenderSciFi
     
  2. Eveline

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    A good way to look at it is that you still have the same shared memories with the person in question. No action you can do will take away that part of who you are and helping people understand that you aren't changing the past instead you are growing as a person in the present, that this is a shared story and you will continue creating memories together that will remain a part of both of you.
     
  3. angeluscrzy

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    I would say just let them know that yeah you are the same person and if there is anything they perceive to have changed, its likely just the fact that you are finally allowing yourself to fully be who you have always been anyway.
    A lot of times being in the closet, we have to censor so much of what we feel and think, and once out we are finally free to express our feelings and desires more clearly. Tell them maybe that they should be glad that you are taking a chance to felt them truly know you for all that you are.
     
    #3 angeluscrzy, Sep 27, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2015
  4. TheRealTheaJane

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    I just told them at a normal occasion.
    AKA I told my friends when we were all on a night out, when I was wearing subtle makeup (first time with them) and drinking a fine scotch =^.^=

    I told my father when I was cooking dinner. Then had a discussion about old aircraft (his favourite topic, ugh.)
    As they reacted I just carried on as normal. This seems to reassure close people that you're not suddenly a whole new person, and takes the shock away slightly.

    I'm slowly becoming more visibly "me" over time, but not so dramatic they back off. I guess patience is a pain, but it's worth it. Hope this helps!
     
  5. GenderSciFi

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    Thanks for answering! =)


    Hah, my problem is partly that I've changed so much in appearance already that they started making little comments. That and the fact that I have to tell my friends and housemates to use my old name and pronouns when they come visit (worst in-closet-experience eeeever!) is why I feel like I need to come out in the first place.
    But has anybody also felt this weird combination of two needs: 1) "Make it really drastic so they don't think it's just a phase or something" 2) "Be gentle so they don't get too alienated"?

    Love,
    GenderSciFi