Before i got married to my wife I told her that perhaps we should not get married due to the fact that I am attracted to men. We talked about it long and hard and we both decided that we love each other so much that we can overcome this abd build a wonderful life. We ended up doing exactly that over the last almost 10 years. We really have had great times and our kids are growing up in an amazing world. But no matter how hard I try I just feel like a piece of me is dying more and more every day. I'm ok with telling her and she loves me so much that she said that we need to decide if we are going to continue to raise the kids and go on as we did or of I want to leave...I know it sounds so messed up but its our reality. I keep going over this in my head...made my lists of pros and cons and the bottom line is i don't want to ruin my kids lives. It all boils down to the kids, I love being with them, seeing them wake up, tucking them in bed at night and just spending time with them every second I can. Lexi is 3 and poor olivia is only 1! How can I do this to them...should I stay untill they are older? Should I deny my own happiness and stay forever. How do you pack your stuff, look at your little girls and walk out the door...I just can do it... What if I do give it all up. My amazing suburban dream and end up alone and sad. please guys...I often read about people who came out but not many stories about all the stuff that happened afrer that. Who really ends up in a better life than the one they gave up. any advise will be welcome.
I can absolutely relate to how you feel. I have 3 daughters that are my moon and stars. I stayed for 14 years in a relationship with their mother, and repressed things so good for so long. For a long time I had stayed for the kids because I couldn't bear the thought of not being with them every day. The ex and I had our share of problems (aside from my sexuality) that have contributed to the downfall of things between us. Finally things had just reached the point where my need to be out far exceeded any desire to work things out. My kids are older (10, 12 & 15) so that helps as far as them being more able to understand things, however they have known of my past for years. I have always been honest with them and that has been the difference I believe. I think the biggest thing is just always letting them know how much you love them and how important they are to you. My 12 year old had even told me at one point that all she wants is for me to be happy. And I honestly believe that by being able to truly be me, I am a better father for it.
Shadowman, welcome to EC! You found the right place to find help figuring this out. Before I comment, you may consider looking at the later in life thread. There are a bunch of folks just like you on that side of the forum where they can share all of their experiences. In terms of the decisions you need to make, like Angeluscrzy, I was in a similar situation. Like you, I had also told my ex-wife before we married that I had experimented and we proceeded to get married anyway (we never really debated it, she just brushed it off). Also, like your thinking about now, I have two daughters and wanted to make sure they were taken care of. As I look back, however, I think my justifying their happiness was more of an excuse to help me explain my lack of happiness. In other words, I was actually too afraid to make the tough decisions that I should have made and I used their happiness as an excuse. To this, I have come to realize kids are resilient. And like Angeluscrzy said, as long as you love them and show them your love, thats what matters. They will see that and love you back the same. Also, given how young your kids are, their reality will be shaped early on by how you and your wife raise them, whether you are together or separated. You have a massive influence in that outcome. Further, even if you did decide to leave, your wife sounds like she is quite understanding. As a result, there are ways to build your relationship with your kids whereby they may not even know better. You can have the time you want with them. Maybe not as frequently as you now have, but sufficient nonetheless to show them your love. What you need to decide is how important your happiness is. And as you know, you only get once chance in this life, shouldn't it be lived to the fullest?
Thanks so much for the replies. Lots to think about. I've decided to go away for a few days to have a conversation with myself without being surrounded by the things that influence my thinking. I'll keep you posted
