I'm not out to anyone yet. I've notice that the more I become certain/accepting that I'm gay, the more difficult honest conversation with my close friends becomes. Before, I could have deep conversations and lots of nuance and precision, but now, all I can muster is vague expressions of agitation and sadness. I can hear myself speak and know I am frustratingly difficult to pin down, especially with those who inquire about why I seem so "off" lately. I keep thinking about who to come out to and how, but I haven't been able to do it yet. So that leads me to ask: For those who have come out, was it unplanned and spontaneous, or premeditated? How did you wish it had happened? I can't decide who to come out to and when or how, but it's starting to drive me a little crazy.
In my case it was unplanned and spontaneous. I am one of those persons who feel that my sexuality is none of others' business, I don't need their affirmation to live my life. I never had a "Mom/Dad I'm Gay!" moment, I just started going on dates with guys and they got wind of it. They discussed it amongst themselves and eventually it was my mom who was tasked to give me the talk. She just said "We love you all the same". Odd though they never mentioned the "gay" word. In the case of my (straight) best friend, because of our closeness he caught on. I believe it's because of my ambiguous use of pronouns on whom I'm dating, perhaps other reasons. And when we go clubbing or to a party and girls hit on me, I'm like I just smile. He or my other friends would ask why I didn't "take-on" the girl. I'd just say "NO, not my type." Eventually he started talking to me pertaining dating guys at the club that would hit on me, although he's protective of me with guys. The best confirmation was when I actually kissed a guy in front of him, he just laughed. We're still the best of friends.
When I came out, it was a matter of planning over a couple days after a close friend in my friendship group came out. I had been thinking about coming out for a while but my friend's coming out was the final push, because there was no reason to stay closeted if our friends are accepting of him. So it was indeed a matter of planning, and I came out as casually as possible, which kinda helped. After being out I learned most my close friends are not heterosexual, there is gay, bi, pan, asexual and mostly straight in the mix. Not sure if its a coincidence, but I'm so lucky to have so many queer friends. You may find those who do not initially seem accepting will become accepting after you come out to them, because it humanizes it and gets them to realize that they might be discriminating or being prejudiced against people they love. Those who drift away from you is a better off outcome for you because you don't need those people in your life. Cheers :icon_bigg (*hug*)
It took me having a stroke and almost 6 months of contemplation and reflection to Come Out. Once I did it was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. People have been wonderful. It does get better. Life is truly wonderful.
I started to fall for a girl, and I didn't want to hide it, so... I just started letting people know, gradually, naturally. There was a moment when I told myself, Hey, this is who you are, and you're not going to hide it, but I only "premeditated" coming out to two people: my best friend, whom I only see every few months so I knew exactly when I could, and hence had to, tell her; and my mother, for much the same reason. Frankly, afterward, I'm just glad people know, and don't really think anymore about how I did it, as long as they took it well enough. I think you'll find, once you've come out to someone, that what's most pressing in your mind is their reaction, and maybe how you feel about it -- not how you said it, or when, or where. I would suggest starting off small, by telling a friend whom you know will take it well and not make a big deal out of it, and go from there, one step at a time. Relax. We all go through this, and if you're in a place where it's safe for you to come out, it's well worth it.
When I first came out, I was in the same boat as you. I had accepted my sexuality and wanted to tell people, but didn't know how to do this. I told a friend spontaneously after I'd had a few drinks, though he did kind of initiate it by asking me what was up. Anyway, that got the ball rolling. Everyone else I came out to, apart from parents, was by text message or FB message because I couldn't handle face to face. It honestly doesn't matter how you do it. My suggestion is pick a close friend who'll be supportive and try pin them down alone. Say 'I have something to tell you', which means they are going to ask you about it. But if you can't do it face to face (I met people with the intention of doing this and couldn't get the words out) don't fret. Draft a text message, email, letter etc. People understand. And they'll often have a follow up chat with you face to face anyway. Coming out was probably the most daunting thing I've ever experienced, but it was worth it. If you have good friends/family, you'll have nothing to worry about. Once you've told one person, it gets easier to tell the next, and so on and so forth. It sounds like you're ready to take the step, I wish you all the best
With friends I just came out spontaneously. With my family (apart from my sister who I know is super supportive of the LGBTQ+ community) it's been planned. I meant to come out to my mum ages ago, but there have been random things like deaths in the family, or graduations etc that always make me think it's not the right time. For Coming Out day (October 11) I was thinking about just telling her. Basically, if I've known that the reaction would be positive, I would come out whenever... It's so true that you have to not once, but over and over again. It can be hard, no matter how many times you do... But once you tell at least one person and they support you, it does make things feel 1000x better
Both Telling parents was planned and quite hard to do. First few friends were unplanned and spontaneous when they asked me about dating etc. A few other close friends were planned and I brought it up. I found it very hard to actually do as I was so nervous but I just gritted my teeth and did it. However the up-side is that you're not waiting for "the right time" to do it. It gets easier as you become used to doing it and more used to being out. I've always told people face-to-face but that's just my choice. The reason i like doing it that way is there is no waiting to see if they've seen your message, or waiting to see who's going to bring it up first afterwards.
