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I think my mom is a homophobe

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by coolrobo52, Sep 29, 2015.

  1. coolrobo52

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    I want to come out to my mom or my sister, but I can't! If i tell my sister she will tell my mom and im afraid that she will "disown" me because i am gay... Can anyone help me with advice on coming out to her?
     
  2. TempUsername3

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    Well, have you tried testing the waters? Seeing if they are okay with people in general being gay? You could also just slowly introduce them to the idea over time by talking about LGBT things over time rather than just jumping straight in.
     
  3. bubbles123

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    I don't know how bad your family is but if you think there's a possibility they could kick you out or anything like that, then definitely wait until you are out on your own and can support yourself before telling them. Even if you really want them to know, your safety and well-being comes first! Keep in mind that you'd probably have many years before you could have the option of supporting yourself.

    If you still really want to tell her and don't think she'd do that, then here are some ideas:
    Write a letter to your sister/mom explaining it all
    Just ask them if you can talk about something at the end of the day and tell them (you could start by saying you're nervous to tell them and worried how they will feel about it)
    It doesn't seem like there's a way to guarantee your sister wouldn't tell your mom if you just tell her, so I wouldn't take the chance if you don't want that.
     
  4. Blue787Bunny

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    There is nothing in your post which supports the idea that your mom is a "homophobe".

    If you are also unsure of just diving in 100%. How about coming out in increments? Start out by talking about LGBT issues, ones that particularly apply to you and that you would face in the future ahead. Gauge their response, if it's in the negative hold out a little and just continue conditioning them about LGBT issues. If in the event they respond in a positive manner. Talk about a LGBT friend, who came out to his or her parents (can be imaginary). Talk about the response of the parents and how the situation was at first shocking but ultimately how they realized that he or she was still the same child they knew before, it didn't mean that everything about their lives had to change. Talk about the positive outcomes for the family such as a more open communication, no longer fear based. Gauge their response, if it's in the negative hold out a little and just continue conditioning them about the positive outcomes for the family, how happy they were that their child could now live as he or she truly is. If in the event they respond in a positive manner. Talk about what they would do if a relative a sister, brother, a child... were to come out LGBT. Gauge their response, if it's in the negative hold out a little and just continue conditioning them to the idea that having an LGBT in the family doesn't make it any less of a family. Just remind them of the positive outcomes your (imaginary) friend's family had come to realize. Eventually if they warm up to the idea then it may be time for you to come out... either in person or in letter.

    If you take the option of coming-out to your sister first. You should clarify with her to let YOU come out to the mother in your own terms and time. There are instances where a loved-one will ultimately try to hold the "secret" for as long as he or she can. However it would be unfair to burden her with such an issue and expect her to withhold it from her mother.

    I ultimately wish you success in this endeavor.
     
  5. guitar

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    Like the others have said, perhaps mention someone at school who came out, or a story involving someone who is gay. Gauge what their reactions are.

    With that said, if you think you could get disowned or be put in serious harm, DO NOT COME OUT. Safety should be the your biggest concern, especially at 13. In your late teens when you can slowly become financially and socially independent, go for it. That way if it goes badly, you can support yourself if you have to.
     
  6. coolrobo52

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    I know my sister will be okay with me coming out ot her because i texted her asking "hey sissy, what would you do if i turned out to be gay?" and her reply was "I wouldnt do anything, you will still be my little brother!" but i think my mom is a homophobe because her and her friend talk about how embarrasing is would beto have one of their kin (i.e. me) turns out not being straight. But anyway thank you for your responses, i will certainly try to slowly come out to my sister first of all and tell her not to tell mom until she will eventually find out. Thanks again btw
     
  7. coolrobo52

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    sorry for not including this in the origina post
     
  8. Contact1111

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    You may be getting this answer to late. However, if I were in your position, I would not tell either your mother or your sister. I know it is difficult though. There are two reasons I am saying this:

    1) Your mother sounds like she would very likely be unsupportive. She sounds like she would selfishly not want to have a "gay son" out of fear of being "embarrassed". I also would not entirely trust your sister to hold on to the secret. I don't know her, but unless you know she can keep a secret, don't tell her. The disownment strikes me as unlikely, but I don't know her so I cannot really comment on that. I would see it as very possible that she could take drastic measures to try to "cure" you of being gay. She also could be likely turn cold and hostile towards you.

    2) Questioning your orientation is something that may be going through your mind at this point, but it is still years away that it will play a role in your day to day life. When it does, you might realize that you are not gay at all. Yes, these things can change in adolescence (and even early adulthood). You could suddenly realize that you are actually straight when you are 14, 15, 16, or older. Then, if you came out, you would be stuck with people thinking of you as gay! Yes, there are people who will tell you that if you know now, you really know. However, for me my orientation has changed incredibly drastically over the years since I was a young teenager. Believe it or not, when you get to be older, you will be a completely different person than you are today. Whether that person will be gay or straight is still yet to be determined.

    I would advise waiting to see what your orientation is when you get older. The way I would approach it is to wait until you are legally an adult or close to it, and then if you still feel that you are not straight, consider coming out. By that point, your orientation would be fairly fixed and known to you. Now, it is very subject to change 180 degrees all of a sudden.