Hello everyone. I am new to the site. I am in the process of coming out. I am a 45 year old man. I was sexaully abused for a long period of time when I was young by an older neighbor (male). I always knew I was attracted to men, but I was unclear about whether that was because I was gay or because I was sexaulized so early. In college I had sex one time with a guy - it was great until it was over and then I had a very hard flashback to the abuse. I denied who I was. I met my wife when I was 19. We were so well matched. We had the same values, the same goals, the same sense of humor. We dated for 5 years. The sex was never "amazing" but it was nice.... for both of us. We have 2 great kids, age 13 and 16. As the years went by, I became a serious alcoholic. At the height of my drinking, I told my wife about the abuse. I had kept that secret from the time i was 6. She was supportive - but I wasn't ready to work on the issue - then 2 years ago, I started therapy. I discovered that I was not at fault for the abuse... I also finally realized that I am gay... was born that way.. and the abuse caused confustion, not my orientation. I fell in love with another survivor. We did not have sex - I would not cheat on my wife. I told her I was gay last March - it was very hard. In June she told me "If I give you permission, it's not cheating". She is amazing. We negotiated an open marriage - we had not been sexual in over 2 years... We have never been closer. We actually become more intimate once sex was removed from the equation.... things with her are great. My next step is to talk with my children. There is so much to tell... my abuse, my orientation, my boyfriend, and the fact that mom and I are not going to be "married", although we will remain close and the best of friends. I need help in how to approach them... what do I tell them first... what do I leave out. Should my wife and I have a physical separation now or wait until the kids have had time to process everything.... ideas and brainstorming are welcome. Thanks and sorry for the long post. Dan
First, I want to say Welcome to EC! Next, it's terrible that you had been abused. Your wife seems like a very supportive person. Which is good, she could have thrown you out when you came out to her. If you want my opinion. I would say tell your kids (they're 13 and 16, they're old enough to know what gay means) everything you told your wife. Tell them that you love them, but their mother and you can't be married anymore because you're gay. After you tell your kids, let them process the information for a while, then the physical separation can come later. If you don't let the kids process the information, then they'll be really upset. It'll be shocking enough. And also tell them that you can answer any of their questions to the best of your ability.
First off, welcome to EC. I'm sorry about your abuse, and our alcoholism, but I'm glad that you got help from therapy two years ago. Your wife sounds like a very understanding person and I can see that you guys appear to have a close relationship, even if it's not sexual. As for telling yur kids: You said they are 13 and 16. In my opinion I think they are old enough to be told everything. It may not be what they want to hear, and it may be difficult, but I think they would be happier hearing about all of it, from you now, rather than hearing it later, and worse, perhaps from someone else. And, once you tell them, a physical separation from your wife seems like the next step to take. However, since there are kids involved i would recommend moving the physical separation at a slow to moderate pace. A quick seaparation might be too much at all ocne and they may not have a chance to take in all the new information. EDIT: Trumpetply23, you said exactly what I wanted to!
Dan, Welcome to EC. Congratulations on finally confronting your past and moving forward to live your life true to who you are. I also was married and have kids, although I have not yet come out to them. I do not think there is a one-size-fits-all answer. Your kids are at an age where they can certainly understand what you will be telling them. My gut tells me that you both should sit down with them and tell them what you have learned about yourself and what the two of you have decided to do – live separately. Tell them it has nothing to do with them. You will both still be their parents and both still love them the same. Explain that you and your wife still care about each other very much and want to help each other. Tell them that you will still be a family, just a slightly different one from the way it was. I am not sure I would tell them about the sexual abuse. I don’t think that is necessary or something they should know. I think both you and your wife should address each area so they understand that the two of you have the same views here. You both may want to talk a bit about what homosexuality really is. It does not mean you are a different person from the dad they love, just that you are in love with a man. Explain that love is a beautiful thing between two people, regardless of the sexes involved. My last suggestion is that you speak with a child psychologist who can offer some additional suggestions, as well as perhaps other advice. I do not claim any expertise in this area and am offering advice based on my personal experience and what I have learned from reading and talking to a psychologist. A child psychologist may have greater insight into how to approach your kids. Good luck and please let us know what we can do to help.
Welcome to EC i hope you find it to your liking. I am sorry you've had a hard past, but it sounds like you are rebounding from it . Your wife seems great and its great that you told her!! What to do with your kids? not sure, you might want to tell them, they will still love you and if you tell them now you might get them at a better time before they get molded too much by society's homophobic views. Good luck with all that and i hope this site services you well.
Hi there and welcome to EC! I'm also someone who got married and had kids before arriving at the conclusion I was gay. I didn't have any abuse in my childhood, but it's still a difficult thing to accept - so denial was coping mechanism. I also developed an addiction, which is what ultimately forced me to come out to my wife. So several things in common... I haven't told my kids, as they are still only 5 and 8. We split 18 months ago, so they were simply told that mommy and daddy had grown up 'problems' that they didn't need to worry about, but that we both loved them and we would still be a family, even if mommy and daddy didn't live together. Obviously, your discussion can be a little more invovled than that. I think it's up to you as to how much you tell them about the abuse or the boyfriend. But given that you and your wife are working so well together, it sounds to me like the kids will take away from the discussion a fairly positive attitude towards your homosexuality. You might want to involve your counsellor, or at least make counselling available to your kids after the fact if they want to talk to someone about all this. I would also think that your living arrangements shouldn't make TOO much difference based on the age of your kids. We certainly didn't want to tell the girls too long before we actually moved, because we didn't want them to take hope in the fact that what we hadn't split yet - so maybe we wouldn't. All families are different. I'm SO glad that you've found the courage to get sober and to come to terms with this part of your life. I'm sure things will continue to just get better in your life. They have in mine. As a moderator here, I can receive private messages. Feel free to write me if you wanted to discuss anything in particular. Again, welcome to EC!
Welcome, Dan! Just a little bit younger, but have gone through much the same thing as you, in just the last year. In fact, I'm STILL coming out, as I've not yet told my mother, and my father barely knows anything (long story). With regards to you kids, here's my two cents and experience. My two sons, 13 and 16, found out I am gay by accident. My older son happened to be looking over my shoulder while I was answering one of those personality quizzes/surveys online. This particular one had a bit of a bi/gay slant to it with regards to the line of questions. He saw some of it and asked why I was bothering with one like it, so I just told them both right then. My older son said "oh, cool" and gave me a high five (!!!), while my 13 y.o. started laughing hysterically and then said "whatever". In my case, things have been better than ever with my sons, they are truly two of my best buds ever. I honestly think they can clearly see the complete 180 that my life, emotional state, physical appearance, social life, etc. has taken in the past year and how completely WHOLE I finally am. They love being around me and we have a great time together, more than ever before. :eusa_clap Again, this is in my case. Yours may be very different. But one thing that's probably the same, and that you should consider: we ALL underestimate just how worldly and intelligent (not to mention intuitive) our children are. In this day and age, with so many more of their peers being able to come out and live as openly gay, their generation is more accepting and educated of diversity than we realize.
I am still married and I am amazed that your wife took it so well. If my wife finds out, I am sure she will divorce me and take me for everything we have and never let me see the kids again. I am happy for you
First Welcome to Ec Next sorry to hear that you were abused that is terrible i hope we can help you with any question that you might have.
