So, I think at times I am still struggling to accept my sexuality, but I have started the process of coming out because it's been difficult to keep it all in. I am out to my friends, who have been accepting and great, but I worry a lot still about coming out to my family, some of whom may be less positive about my being gay. I have started to think about coming out to one of my brothers, who I am pretty sure will be fine with it. I even recall him asking me if I was bi, way back in high school, so I know the thought has crossed his mind. But, that's not the main focus of my post just now. My question is this- every time I start thinking about coming out to someone new, I start re-questioning myself, going through doubt, worrying "what if I'm wrong- what if I'm not gay?" "What if I'm bi?" and so on. Is this normal? Do others relate? I can feel somewhat at ease about my orientation if I don't think about it too much, but I feel like the stakes of my being "sure" are raised exponentially when I need to share my feelings with someone new, and it sends me back into the "questioning" spiral all over again.
Yes! I feel the exact same way. I am definitely attracted to men and not women, but I still feel unsure that I really am gay sometimes. I think the fact that coming out is so final just makes you question everything again. I really don't feel gay and I don't think that anyone else thinks that i'm gay. I seem straight from the outside. I'm not sure if it is just because I am really good at hiding it and I actually want to "seem gay", or if I just don't fit any of the stereotypes. I came out for the first time to my mom a few weeks ago, and she was completely shocked. It never even crossed her mind that I might be gay. I really was hoping that she was going to say that she knew for years because it would help me reassure myself that I really am gay. I am planning on telling my dad this weekend when he comes to visit me at college, but I almost feel like i'm suddenly not sure that I even want to come out anymore. My mom wants me to tell him for she will have someone to talk to about it, and I really do want to finally be out to my family, but its all so confusing. What if I discover that I'm actually bi? I can't just take it back. I think i'm just going to continue to come out, and hope that after I am out more, I will accept it more and I will actually feel gay in more ways than attraction.
When I was going through my questioning phase about 5 years I went through this a lot. For 2-3 years I kept my sexuality bottled up inside and told no one. At that time I still wasn't sure what exactly I was and the label thing only confused me more. For probably 6 months before I came out to my family, I was 99% sure I was gay (or kinsey 5 or whatever the hell strongly preferring guys is called), but like you, I kept doubting. More than once it caused me to prep myself to come out, I would sit down with my mom, go to tell her and have extreme doubt wash over me. "what if I find out later I'm actually bi and not gay?" Let's say you do come out as a lesbian, and down the road you realize you're gay and even successfully date a guy, just because you've come out as something doesn't mean you're not allowed to continue to explore your attractions. If I had to guess, do you feel some of your self-doubt has to with feelings of guilt or shame about being gay?
I'm in completely the same boat! I came out to my best friends about a month and a 1/2 ago, and then again on the weekend to my parents and brother. But now I'm completely confused, I think I put too much pressure on coming out, that it would somehow affirm me as a lesbian, but I'm still the same as before! It's also scary returning to university, and having a lot of friends that I'm not extremely close to but close enough that they will probably find out, I'm not sure I can deal with coming out that many times. I agree with Guitar, and Tenderturtle this can apply to you to, in that you shouldn't feel as though coming out is somehow sealing you into a gay life forever, it's definitely something I worry about though and can understand completely.
It's the same for me. Though sometimes it's more like I'm afraid that people I want to come out to will have this preconception that either you came out in your teens or you're not gay. So I'll have maybe to explain to them the long story and not sure what to tell (well I could speak hours, but still, kinda personal... ). Otherwise, yeah, I also don't think it will leave you with some obligation. Though sometimes I have the exact same feeling. Like I'm signing a contract or something when coming out. And I also feel that this need to come out to more people is getting exponentially stronger. I would really like to be able to talk to friends about this, for example. Not only hinting about stuff. By the way, I realized that if someone thinks you are straight you can tell them the most obvious hints about you being gay and they still won't realize it. Makes sense in a way, but sometimes I get so desperate I'd just want someone to ask me if I'm gay
Thanks for your responses, everyone, it really helps to know I'm not alone. I worry sometimes that these doubts mean I'm wrong, so knowing others have gone through it is reassuring. Tenderturtle- I relate completely. Though, at times I do think I have attractions to guys, and that's what tends to confuse me most. I feel sort of stuck between bi and gay, because I can find guys attractive and I've had a few crushes, but I don't have a desire to be physical with them. With women, it's "the whole package" so to speak. So, for relationship purposes it seems like "gay" makes the most sense, but then I worry all over again about whether I'm being totally genuine or not. Good luck coming out to your dad! I think it's great you already have your mom's support in this, so I say go for it. As for not being able to "take it back," I feel that way, too, but really, what is stopping you from later saying "I guess I'm bi" if you decide that describes you better? Guitar- Yeah, I am in the same position as you describe. But, you're right, though it feels final coming out doesn't mean I'm branded "lesbian" for the rest of my life and can't allow myself to appreciate an attractive man, or even date a guy if one were to come along and surprise me. I think I get too caught up in labels and trying to fit them, at times :/ . And yes, you've hit the nail on the head, there is some definite guilt and shame about being gay. At times I feel completely at ease with myself, but other times I feel terrible. I know I still have some internalized homophobia, growing up in the 90's will do that to you, as well as growing up with some very Catholic extended family. tallginger- It probably wouldn't hurt you to slow down a bit if you feel overwhelmed, though as you said it may get out. Maybe you could just do a mass email, or a FaceBook post to your friends so you don't have to come out to every one individually? I've been out to my closest friends for maybe 10 months now, then I came out to some less close friends over the summer, so I've been giving myself some time to "ease in." I knew my friends would be accepting, but some of my family may not be which has been a part of the reason for my delay. But, if you came out so quickly it's not surprising it's a bit of a shock for you! And thanks, you're correct, I'm not sealed into the gay life forever. This is just a way for me to be more open about myself, and my life, with those close to me. redpandaman123- I like your username, red pandas are adorable! And hang in there TeaTree- I understand what you mean, I expected some doubt from my friends because of my age, but none of them have questioned me. They were surprised, but they didn't disbelieve me. I do still worry about this with the gay community itself, though that's another hurdle to cross. Anyway, hopefully your friends are respectful enough to realize you know yourself better than anyone else does. Hah, I have had the opposite problem, in my teen years I was teased pretty badly because people thought I was gay. At the time I had no clue, myself, and for a long time worked to avoid any possible hint I might be. :icon_redf So, my adult friends had no real suspicion, but I think people who knew me when I was younger might end up being less surprised.
Ooooh, I'm actually sitting at my family's place, being pretty depressed and was aimlessly browsing this forum because of this exact same feeling. Where I now live, I'm around quite accepting people, and it's relatively easy for me to feel sure and self-confident about being trans most of the time. Here, it all seems so absurd, and I'm like: "No, you've been imagining all that". Around friends and LGBT+ folks, I'm adamant about people using my chosen name, but when I'm not out, I feel like it's just too much to ask of people to use my new name... since it's all in my head, obviously. Well, it helped me a little bit to read your stories. Best of luck with coming out! GenderSciFi
Hey GenderSciFi- hang in there! I think being validated by others can help us solidify our own identities in some ways, too, so what you say makes sense. Having my friends treat me as though I like women helps me both feel better about the fact that I have those feelings, and make them feel more real because they are addressed in the real world. So, thank you all again! I came out to my brother today. His initial response was "Oh, ok, that's awesome." Haha. We talked for over an hour, and it went really well. He is supportive. He also tried to be reassuring and optimistic about our parents, but of course understood I'll come out to them when I feel ready. So, overall, I've very glad I called him and we talked.
So, I've known for sure I was gay since I was 12. I hid it for many years because I did not feel my family would be accepting and I was worried about being disowned and abandoned, and I did not fit any of the stereotypes so I wondered if there was more to being gay then just who I was attracted to. I even tried having a girlfriend for 4 years, to try and make it go away. Like you alluded to with a few guys, I felt something with her but I felt a lot more toward guys. More than 1 at that. Since I did feel something with her, this made me question if I was gay throughout the relationship, but I realized that the feelings for guys were not going away, and she was the only girl I felt something with, but that was not the case with guys. I started to wonder if it was my brain trying to retrain itself because I was trying so hard to make it go away. I really think if it wasn't for stereotypes and fear, we wouldn't question ourselves, and this would not be such a process. I don't think I would have dated my girlfriend if this wasn't an issue. I still worry I have disappointed my parents, and I've been out to them for just over and just under 2 years, but through the support of my friends that I'm out to, I've started to realize my own happiness and well-being is most important. I really think you have answered this for yourself: . Just try to not worry about fitting a label and be with whoever makes you happy.
I suspect that it may be common to feel as you feel. For myself I am starting to feel the urge to come out to my family and yet I am not sure how I would label myself. I am considering saying "I know I'm not heterosexual, and I hope that once the fog of shame clears, I will have a better idea of how I see myself." And I do think that the shame is such a powerful force that maybe it skews me, maybe it leads me to wanting to say "bisexual" because that is like a form of "passing" in the heteronormative world. Coming out is definitely a milestone but perhaps it isn't the end of the journey.
Hey Snowshoegeek, same problem here with the labeling. I wanna encourage you to say something that really describes the feelings you have, and not just use some word that they are going to understand. I told my mom "i fall in love with women as well", and that felt horribly fake and dumbed-down in comparison to what it's really like. I should have left it for later or brought out the whole truth (pansexual, non-binary gender-questioning, non-monogamous ...). This way, she didn't even care, because she thought it was no big deal. A girl could make a nice daughter-in-law, right? :eusa_clap The urge probably means that it's a good idea to do it in general, but don't let that make you feel like you are just not brave enough or confident enough about what you want to come out about. That at least is what I struggled with and what made me blab randomly to my mom... :tantrum: *sends love and patience* GenderSciFi
I think just about everyone feels doubt about their gender or sexuality at least once, or (more likely) all the time, every day. :lol: But don't worry about it. If you come out to someone and it does turn out differently, you can always go back on it. "I thought you weren't bi?" "I did a little more thought, and I'm bi." If they accepted you coming out before, they probably won't freak out if you find out something new.
