After I came out to a few friends (3 in total) and 2 family members (1 now deceased) I've come to realise not many people know I'm gay. It was because I never came out that I'd ended up in a straight relationship and granted I did like him, the more I think about it, the relationship made me realise how sure I was that I'm definitely gay. It's getting to the point where I just want to be able to have a conversation with an LGBT+ female in my local area and actually have some LGBT+ friends in general. I have a gay male friend but he moved away to live with his boyfriend and my trans friend who doesn't know I'm gay, moved away to university almost 2 years ago. I can't really discuss any LGBT+ things with my mum because, as much as she's accepting, there are things she does and says that will make you think that underneath, she really isn't. I just can't talk to her about my sexuality or discuss girls or anything gay with her without her either going on some long-winded discussion about gays and how she 'has nothing against them' yet adds 'but' to the end of her sentences. A few years ago she met a woman who was bisexual, so confided in her about my sexuality. She returned home worried I was going to be angry that she'd pretty much outed me to someone I didn't know. Initially I was ok with it because I was trying to be understanding and see things from her perspective. But... the more I think about it, it made me feel like it's as if she can't talk to me about LGBT+ stuff, or maybe she wants to but doesn't know how to discuss it. I don't know. But something that struck me was when she told me I never like telling anybody I'm gay, that I don't go anywhere such as gay bars, join any LGBT+ groups or anything and apparently this woman told her that it's likely that I'm not comfortable with myself. For the longest period of time I've held the belief of, 'Why should I tell anyone?' and, 'It's none of their business.' I don't feel the need to go around telling anyone and everyone I know that I'm gay and that I like other women. I don't take part in gay pride things nor do I join any LGBT+ groups because I've felt quite comfortable with being out to a few selected people and that's been that. Lately though... I've felt a lot different. I wouldn't say I've 'met' a girl but there was certainly someone who'd caught my eye and I'd developed a bit of a crush on but things weren't to be. All of this has sort of made me think about my future being gay. If I don't tell people, I will never meet anyone. If I never meet anyone, I'll be alone. If I'm alone, I'll be unhappy. I don't know. It's just this huge circle where I keep batting back and forth between being more open about my sexuality and my personal beliefs of not wanting to tell many people. My local area has no LGBT+ groups and the nearest one is around 25 miles away and though I'd contacted, it never yielded a good result so gave up. The only LGBT+ group that my area 'sort of' has is a university group and is strictly for students only.. and well, I'm not a student. I've pondered the idea of announcing to everyone on Facebook about my sexuality. Someone else on my friends list has done it 1-2 years ago and from the comments I'd read back then, they seemed rather positive. If I do that then my 'secret' is out there and I don't know if I'm comfortable with that... which brings me back to what that woman my mum once spoke to about me not being comfortable with myself. I'm torn between wanting to be open about this, but it feels like such a huge step. Once I do it, I can't just 'take it back'. I can't guarantee that any responses, if I receive any at all, will ever be positive. I'm not fearful of negative responses, but I guess I am fearful of not receiving anything back at all. I don't know what to do.
