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perfect opportunity and I just couldn't...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by fern, Oct 5, 2015.

  1. fern

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    so...brief background explanation: i'm in a hetero relationship for the last 3 years and we live together. but I've been more and more realizing that I want to be solely with women. me and my partner are both living overseas now (where we met and spent our whole relationship) and I always figured when we eventually move back to the states, that's when we'll end it and I'll start dating women.

    Update: it's official we're moving back to the states now at Christmas this year. and likely going to different cities. I finally got up the nerve to ask him "so where do you see our relationship during all that?"....he said he'd like to try to make it work regardless of where we end up moving, even if it's long distance. and it would have been the perfect time to say that I don't want that...that I want to end it then and that I want to date women...but i just froze up and nodded my head. :frowning2:

    I think this topic will come up a lot in the next few weeks with planning our move....I don't know how to bring it up though. I don't want him to be hurt and I really would like him still in my life as a friend to help support me through this. I'm not sure how to say it though....
     
  2. alli o

    alli o Guest

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    You just need to sit him down and think how you would want this to be said if it was someone saying it to you!
    be kind
    respectful
    descriptive
    mature
    good luck and I hope all goes well
     
  3. JB2015

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    This is one of those things where there is no easy way to say it.

    I agree with alli o and I would just add specifically to say that this has nothing to do with him or the distance, and how much it would mean if you could remain friends, and perhaps things you appreciated from the time you were together with him.

    Good Luck, and I hope for the best possible outcome for both of you.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Things of this nature are always hard to say so don't be too hard on yourself that you froze. Sometimes when things are this emotional it can be helpful to write down what you want to say so that when an opportunity arises you can either give him the letter and be with him whilst he reads it or you can read it or just speak to him and use it as a notes sheet.
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    Don't think of it as an opportunity that has passed, because you have actually started the process by asking an open ended question about the future of your relationship. It was important for you to do that and to ascertain how he feels about the future first. Now that you know, you can think about it some more and plan when/how to return to the conversation.

    It will not be easy, but honesty is the best way forward. I agree with the other posters - how would you like someone to impart this news to you? Focus on that question and be guided by your own answer and use notes or a letter, if necessary.
     
  6. fern

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    Guys I did it :slight_smile: last night it came up again...he brought it up and said like "so last night you asked me what I thought about it but you never really said yourself..."

    We talked for quite a bit about it, and I explained everything I'm feeling about wanting to be with women and how I can definitely more easily see myself ending up with a woman then a man for long term. And he was so completely supportive :slight_smile: he said he completely understands and wouldn't want to hold me back from at least trying that out if it's something that really is on my mind a lot. So we've decided when we move back to the states this winter we'll go our own ways, stay friends for sure, and see how it goes.

    Thanks for all the support! I'm so happy it all went smoothly and seems to be working out
     
  7. silverhalo

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  8. PatrickUK

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    Pleased you managed to have the conversation with him - it was sure to come up again. His reaction was great and it sounds like you have a great friend in him. :slight_smile:
     
  9. bubbles123

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    That's fantastic!:slight_smile: Glad it went well.