Why were you in denial?

I was in denial for a long time. When I was at school I wasn't popular, I had different interests to everyone else and I was bullied as a result. At the time coming out to myself seemed like confirmation that everyone at school was right about me - I was weird. I didn't want to create yet another reason to be different. Denial seemed like the best option.

Why were you guys in denial?

 

I was in a bad place in my life for a long time and there would have been consequences for my family. It simply wasn't safe for me to say anything to the extent that I only dated people from other towns and would not even meet up with them in this town. As I said, a bad place.

 

That's not weird at all, because it was pretty much the same reason I stayed in denial for so long. I was also worried about wider, societal attitudes to LGBT people. I was a very frightened and confused kid. Made me very depressed.

 

I was in denial for the same reasons. Worried about being ostracized more, of course that didn't help in the long run because the history I had of depression and self harm seemed to stem from all the repressing I felt I had to do.


I remember being so shy and lonely and desperately wanting friends and attention. I did a lot of reckless things. Couple that with the many hospitalizations for depression and such and you find out nobody wants to be friends with the crazy kid either........

 

I was in denial because I didn't realise I was bi for a long time - I'd always only dated men and had no interest in women. Coming out for me meant that not only was I worried about people's attitudes and people seeing me differently, but I was also worried that people would think I'd spent years lying to them.

 

Definitely some of this for me. I was raised conservative Christian and being gay is one of the worst things a person can be in that group. I'm probably lucky to have even come out in my 30s.

 

When I was around 13 I started noticing I was looking at other girls and other lesbian-related things. One of our neighbours was a lesbian and had a girlfriend who she'd openly kiss a lot. I thought my mum was kind of homophobic because of the comments she'd come out with towards them. Name calling, saying that it 'turns her stomach' and how it's disgusting. It made me feel like the thoughts and feelings I was going through were unnatural, I thought I was disgusting and so I went through a huge phase where I tried to ignore it and be 'normal'.

 

When I admitted at 8th grade that I'm not interested in girls I got bullied for then entire year.
So I just said that it was misunderstanding and w.e the following year.
And after I got older I start to think that being gay is unnatural and a Sin.
LOL I was so delusional.

 

Funny... for me it was the exact opposite situation, but a similar result. After a couple of rougher years in primary school and middle school, I finally attained some degree of popularity and success in highschool. Class president, knew everyone, well-respected among teachers, the works. Also among friends and family out of school, I was somewhat looked up to.


And... once you have that, it's scary to lose. I finally got to a good place, I'd be damned if I would risk it over sexuality! And it combined with a feeling like "People who have success aren't supposed to be gay!". So I concluded that I wasn't, and that someday I would just wake up straight miraculously.


...needless to say, I got over it eventually, but it still took me some ten years. Moving to the other side of the country helped a lot in that. I had to build a new life and suddenly felt like I could be gay without the weight of the past behind me.

 

In Lisa Diamond's book about sexual fluidity there was this idea that sexuality even if it's inherently phisycal and instinctual and natural, it's heavily connected to cultural expression and language.

And in my case I couldn't connect the dots between being attracted to girls and being gay. I know it sounds weird, but when I was a child there were basically no gay people around. Being gay was only represented through this stereotype which I couldn't relate with.

Also, I was a very shy, anxious child and was bullied even in kindergarten, I don't even know why. Maybe I was so different and other kids sensed it, no idea.

Later I also went in the direction of depression, self harm and the likes, and somehow got very disconnected from myself.
I think it was a kind of self-protective mechanism, I somehow felt that I'm not strong enough to be so different. Also later I was telling myself that I can't be gay because all the gay people I know about seem so confident and strong, I'm not, so I'm definitely not gay. :icon_bigg

 

I could say that I was in denial either time because I just didn't want to believe it, I had such an idea of myself ingrained in me, that anything that seemed to contradict it seemed wrong, had to be wrong, like.... it was the constant idea of 'Wait, I can't be a girl' or 'Wait, I can't be bi"....

It was like I was so needing to cling onto this old idea of who I was, not realizing that said idea was and always had been a lie.

 

Now that I know who I am, I realize that when I was in junior high I just brushed being trans off as puberty, until about grd 10/11 I thought I was a freak and didn't really look around the LGBT and figure myself out until grade 12 when i came to terms with myself.

 

To myself or to others?

I was in denial to myself because of internalised homophobia caused by the environment I grew up in. I was raised in an extremely traditional,right wing, racist, small Christian primary school where most of the teachers were drunk a lot so when we got into the older years (years 5 and 6) we often we put in charge of looking after the younger ones where presumably the teachers headed off to the pub to get drunk :dry:. How that school managed to stay open is beyond me. It did get fined fifty quid for being racist though.

Anyways... I had a lot of internal conflict going on because of this. I had always learnt that being gay was a bad thing (mainly from the internet, thanks YouTube comments!) although I thought that all physical attraction was bad, regardless. I thought that if I tried hard enough, I could make myself straight. Well, that was only when I even admitted to myself the feelings I was having.

To others, I just feared that I'd lose my friends and be made fun of. Which makes sense because I was treated differently (spat at, nearly beat up) and that was only because of rumours that were going around about me. It terrified me the idea that something like that could happen again, or possibly worse. I kept having nightmares where they found me and they "come back for what the missed off doing before and "finishing the job"" as such, I'm not even sure if they were going to attack me. But the way he was arched over me with his gang with his fist leaning over and the look of pure disgust in his eyes wasn't exactly promising, I remember feeling terrified at the time. So yeah, that put me off being honest with people. And when I finally was, I was outed by my asshole "friends". But at least I moved and I'm with more accepting people now.

Sorry for the overall depressing post. Just wanted to share my input.

 

I never really went through denial, although if I counted my questioning from when I was nine then yes, I denied my sexuality for around 3 years. I just thought that that wasn't "me" and that I was in love with another boy in my grade that left shortly before I started questioning. But when I questioned again almost two years ago I didn't really deny it.

 

I simply felt like a freak and wanted to fit in.

 

I actually have a lot of accepting friends and stuff, so I was kind of confused when I realized I was still kind of in denial/not ready to embrace it. I think it's how I was raised. My family never talked about homosexuality being bad, but it wasn't talked about as good either. Sure, my dad would make some jokes sometimes about gay guys. Other than that I think I just learned to view gay people as rare and not something you'd wanna be, like automatic outcasts. I was also religious so that didn't help matters much.

 

This was me, basically, also. I was extremely sheltered tho, homeschooled and lved in arural area we had very few friends. Until i was put in 8th grade piblic school. I knew i was different thought it was a flaw cause of my uobringing, i guess? Not because i was gay. We had vry limited exposure to homosexuality. No tv, outside media, etc. Untl we were much older so I understood it as this thing that was black and white and those people knew they were gay and they were different than US. We didt have gay women in our school, a couple bisexualsbutthey were just as closeted as i was ad iftere were lesbians i would haveneer known. My husband and I were friends withhe oly known outwardly gay boys. But that didnt elp much

I was groomed a lot, everone would go off on how dainty i was, beautiful, how i should dress feminine because of my figure, offer to dress me do my hair, encourag hair growth etc. I shouldnt want to dress like a boy was made fun of for looking boyish, or trying to. etc. That added to the well i SHOULD feel this way, so is a mental block or flaw that i can work thru.

So i was in denial becaue i didnt know any better. I thougt i was flawed and thought wrong and even tried convincing myself i looked at women cause i wanted tobe them, not cause i wanted them.

 

I was in denial for years because I thought that being gay is not what I wanted with my life. I used to think how could I be gay and still have the life I wanted. Also, because of family and friends.

I've accepted the fact that I can be gay and still have everything that I want in life. Being gay does not define me. It's just a small part of me that I've learned to accept. Now family that's a different issue. It's the reason I am still in the closet. I feel that right now as long as I am true to myself then that's all the matters. In time other's will know.

 

I was molested as a small child, but I blocked it out completely until a few years ago. This has had a huge subconscious impact on my entire life.

Growing up, I was afraid of sexuality. Afraid of others'. Afraid of my own. On top of the that I've always felt like I'm both male and female. It was just too much for me to deal with in my teens.

I've lived my entire life scared on so many levels. I had zero crushes in high school. And I only had a small handful of friends. There was no exploring for me as a teenager. No figuring out what all my feelings meant. There was only shutting down to survive.

It took until I was 31 for everything to reach the point where it was either accept myself, or die. By some miracle, I'm still here. It's been a long, dark, painful road for me, but I'm walking in the open air now. No more closets. No more boxes.

Shockingly to me, my whole family accepts me as a lesbian. I don't think it will be too much of a stretch for them to accept that my sexuality is a bit queerer than that. Genderfluid might be uncomfortable for them, but ultimately I think they'll be happy for me as long as I'm happy. I haven't talked to any of them about these things yet because I'm still exploring them for myself. But I don't feel any stress about "coming out" with these deeper revelations.

For me the biggest battle has always been within myself. And in that respect things are looking pretty good compared to the past.

 

I was in denil because I didn't want to disappoint anyone