The title says most of it all, but some background.. I started feeling attracted to other guys roughly five years ago, but its been a year and a half since I really noticed that I was attracted. I went through a year of hell, but eventually, I was able to accept it. But, as I've come to learn, it was not the same thing as liking it. Regardless of that, I've been stuck in a loop of slowly coming out that has felt useless and in fact, has only made me grow distant to those I had before. I've come out to three people, by choice, and I know that my parents will accept it, (in fact, they found out without my, 'wanting them too', in part myself growing separate from them.) My biggest problem is that I'm struggling to come out, mostly because its completely the opposite of what I am. I've played this character of, 'asexual', innocent and awkward towards sex, sexuality, etc. To come out, at first would be taken as a joke, and even if it was not a joke, it's not who I am. I'm not a flamboyant person, not feminine or fashionable in appearance, but I'm also not on the opposite of the spectrum. Or anywhere in the middle: in fact, I don't belong in any stereotype or any sort of type. I wouldn't be lying if I didn't say there was someone I was trying to impress, but I've played the role of straight/asexual for so long, that any attraction in that sense has faded with years. I'm just not ready, not ready to talk about it with people, casually or anonymously, (it's taken me months to post something when I'd wanted to), but I'm going to regret it later on in life if I don't. I know for certain that this is what I am, I've learned to accept it, but I have not learned to like it, so much that I can't even hold a conversation that may hint towards it. I have to corner myself into each time I'd wanted to come out, and then once I did, it was terrifying and caused tons of anxiety, for weeks to come, and with no great outcome. What do I do? I don't want to come out, but I want to because I just want to stop feeling pain/confusion/empty. I'm not ready, but when will I ever?
I started showing signs of homosexual behaviours at age 6. I started to really notice it at age 12. I finally accepted myself a few months ago at age 30. I also tried to play myself as straight (and bi for a year+), but it was eating me up inside and only grew stronger. It takes time to accept it, some much more than others (as with me). Coming out was easy for me, as I was completely accepting and ready to let friends/family know. I enjoy knowing that I am gay, everyone should! It is who you were born as and nothing can change it. You will know it's time when it happens. Best of luck to ya!
hello I hope I can help you a little First of all, I must say that we have a little similar stories. I finally realized and accepted that I´m bi when I was 21. Thankfully, I was also ready to like myself the way I am. I was really happy that I finally completely understand myself. I don´t know how I can help you feel happy about yourself. I can say things like: you have to learn love yourself, just work every day and you will see difference soon and so on. But I don´t know if that could help you because I think that everyone has your own way how to learn love themselves. So I figured I will try to define specifically what made ME happy and maybe that can help. First thing that made me happy was merely the fact that I finally accepted myself, that I finally let go of that "heterosexual label" which was put on me the day I was born. I felt free, I still do. Another thing that makes me happy - the fact that I´m not chained anymore and I let myself think about girls too, without remorse or excuses that I´m just curious and so on. It´s like I can breathe easier now I don´t know if that was helpful, but let me give you advice. You said that you told 3 people? And your parents know. Choose one person from them and talk about it with her/him. Or come out to another person you are more comfortably with. It really helps, the talking. And don´t worry about that you are scared or "not prepared", it´s okay to feel scared, it´s a big thing in your life. For example, I was sure my best friend will be supportive (she was the first person I came out to) but I was still scared. I thought about it for long time until I finally said it to her, but I did because it made me frustrated and sad to keep it secret. I needed someone to talk to. For me, talking to someone was more important than keeping it secret If you are not comfortable for talking in "real life", start with talking anonymously with people online. You said it also makes you uncomfortable, but the fact that you wrote in this forum proves that you can do it and you probably want to do it. You just had to overcome that fear and fully accept who you are, but you also should let others accept you The most IMPORTANT thing I wanted to talk about is this: "My biggest problem is that I'm struggling to come out, mostly because its completely the opposite of what I am. I've played this character of, 'asexual', innocent and awkward towards sex, sexuality, etc. To come out, at first would be taken as a joke, and even if it was not a joke, it's not who I am. I'm not a flamboyant person, not feminine or fashionable in appearance, but I'm also not on the opposite of the spectrum. Or anywhere in the middle: in fact, I don't belong in any stereotype or any sort of type." REMEMBER, You are not your label, you don´t have to fit any stereotypes, you don´t have to be like people/tv/books says that gays are. That´s nonsense. You are you and if you choose to identify as gay then you are gay, you don´t have to meet expectations how "gay is suppose to be". As long as you are comfortable it´s okay, you don´t have to fully anyone´s ideas of what gay should or shouldn´t be. It´s you who identify yourself, only you, no one else Also, can I ask you...how were the reactions of your coming out? Were the people you have come out supportive or not? Please, talk to me if you need it, I´m happy to help ) Have a amazing day/night
