Why I Am Here

I am a 23 year old male with a confusing story behind me. I am here to tell that confusing tale that is my self. As a very young kid (like 3-4 or something), I remember my mother telling me something about how women have kids. She also told me that it is very painful. I somehow envied this "painful" experience. I even had a dream that I remember as a kid where I thought about the pain and enjoyed the idea of this experience. There was little, if any interest in the other aspects other than the pain. I had this desire to experience the ultimate pain. I was finding myself intrigued and envying this experience. As I grew older, I began to enjoy the idea of pain on some level. I found myself wanting to experience some incredibly difficult and messed up stuff. As I grew older, I began to suppress this. However, I found myself with this sort of "feminine" feeling that stuck with me throughout my whole life. As a kid, I would notice it. For instance, I would be talking and sort of imagine myself as "female" while I was saying ordinary things. This was a very common experience for me, but I thought nothing of it. I found myself confused by this, but I suppressed it without even thinking about it much. Then, one evening I was desperate to get "high" while alone in my place at college. I decided to mix my own concoction of hallucinogenic substances that are available over the counter (I refuse to give anyone info on what exactly on the exact substances that I drank, because there is always the potential for very dangerous results). I also knew what I was doing more than the average person would, as I have a strong knowledge of botany, biology, and chemistry. Within 1-2 hours after drinking the homemade concoction, I began to involuntarily focus on the old feelings that I had of this nature. I began to feel them intensely to the point where it fully enveloped my being in total. I felt quite feminine, but yet I felt comfortable fully with my self as it currently was. I found myself absorbed in this feeling, and I saw that there was no reason why this could not be anytime. It was a very amazing experience to feel that this feeling was 100% validated. I had no discomfort with my body or anything of that nature, it was simply a sort of "feeling". I had also remembered all the stuff I described from my early childhood clear as day. I contemplated calling my parents and telling them of this right then and there, but due to my hallucinating state I realized this was probably a bad idea. During this evening, I referred to myself as "gay", because in my state I had no other words to describe it. Then, in the morning, this realization stuck. It was always there. I just had no place for it. I had this feeling since I was quite young. When I was young, I noticed that I felt somewhat "feminine" despite being male. However, I had no desire to change myself. I also had slightly masochistic feelings. On a few occasions, I found myself fantasizing about a fantasized girlfriend stubbing cigarettes out on my body. I also have had fantasies of being the dominant one. Sometimes, this has involved the stereotypical S&M type stuff, but usually not as time has gone on. I have often found myself eroticizing and envying my own personal pain. I just feel like these feelings are all quite overwhelming at times and I just don't know what to do with them. After I drank all that weird stuff, I found myself more understanding that these feelings existed. I fully acknowledge them now and am not uncomfortable or trying to suppress them. I feel comfortable and one with it, but I am trying to figure out how to really live with it and/or express it all on some level. I do not want to consume the drink again, nor am I in the position to be able to. However, I feel that on my own, without any assistance I will be able to figure out what to do. It's just going to take a bit of time. That's why I ended up here. In addition, as an adolescent I have had thoughts/feelings for other guys. When thinking about other guys, I have found myself drawn to the idea of being the "submissive" one. However, I have also had strong sexual thoughts/urges and feelings towards women. I have found women intensely attractive since the time I was 10 or so. This has been a strong feature of my life, probably as strong as other guys feel for women. However, due to the other stuff, it is clear that I am somehow "different". Anyways, this is my story and this is what has brought me to this site. I know maybe some people will find the S&M references and all sick, but this is my story. I just am in the process of finding the next destination in my life.