I absolutely cannot imagine telling anyone I know - family or friends. I am going to a GLBT church which will be supportive, but I don't even think I could verbally declare myself gay. Although I am sure most people assume it, since it is the majority, I would struggle to admit it. Yet, I do feel some kind of pressure to tell someone besides the pastor (who gets paid not to judge me). The only person I could imagine, possibly, maybe telling is a co-worker who is gay. The bad part is that I “came out” to myself AFTER attending a GLBT church service and talking with her and her spouse about their life – in the context that I am heterosexual attempting to understand “gay culture” (I had a school assignment). At the time, I was not intentionally deceiving them, but I am afraid they will feel that way. Also, I don’t know them very well, and I only see the one at work one a month or so. But yet, I trust them and find them to full of integrity and seem drawn to talking to them. And yet, how would I approach them again. I don’t know. I think I feel like I need to tell another person *in person* that I at least know on a minimal level of some sort, so I can feel real or something. Sounds silly maybe, but the feeling and thought does not leave. Any suggestions? Any thoughts?
I just wanna say, firstly, that i love gumby! Anyway, coming out is difficult for everyone. I think that it's really important to be completely comfortable with your sexuality before you tell anyone. I didn't want to tell anyone for years because I wasn't completely comfortable with it at the time. The most important thing to do is to come out when you are ready and try not to let other things influence you. Did you really have a school assignment? Or was that just a way for you to talk to your co-worker and her spouse?
I read through the other thread which you created and caught an interesting segment of your reply to the "if..." thread in Chit-Chat. Your faith is Messianic Judaism, according to the reply. Is this your family's religion, or did you convert at a later time? It occurred to me that the struggle you may be having is a religious struggle. The Pentateuch is more significant to Judaism compared to Christianity. The laws of Judiasm, as the word of G-d is presented in those books of the Torah. Is the struggle to tell your peers and family based on a common religious belief?
Yes, I truly had a school assignment - which is not even finished as a matter of fact. I did not talk to them about anything personal, just things in a broad sense. I think just talking to them and seeing how comfortable they are just really ..... I don't know. I can't really explain in words what happened. It was kind of like a light bulb (very, very bright). I have done everything in my life to avoid being gay or giving any hint of it - even the friends I have chosen. I guess theory is if I surrounded myself with people who would not tolerate someone in their midst who is gay that I would be able to keep it hidden and "change my brain" somehow.
You need to be comfortable with yourself first. Be sure, and be accepting of yourself. I have to believe that this couple will understand COMPLETELY why you didn't open up to them the first time you met with them. They've been through this too. We're all going through this struggle about how, when, and to whom we come out to! They've been through it too. Until you expose yourself to others in a similar situation (like in here!) you may feel alone, and that your situation is unique, and feel very self concious about it. Well while everyone's situation is different, we share some very common challenges. So take strength from the numbers in here (growing all the time apparently!) and get to knwo yourself first. Good luck!
This is probably the weirdest part of the last couple of days. Most of my friends and family are VERY religious minded and certian on their "sin" beliefs. However, I have avoided talking with friends about certain issues, including homosexuality. Over the last several months, one of my friends and I have been talking about all of Bible things and this issue came up. Prior to the "revelation" (more of a willingness to try to accept me) I had about myself, I was still presenting a "gay friendly" arguments. Of course, I have never read or heard what the "straight Christians" say. I have always just felt there was going to be a prejudice no matter whether it is really sin or not, so I had no interested in listening to Christians talk about it. I found out my arguments were "gay friendly" after reading a book on the subject from a gay pastor. I really did not know why my friend had such strong reactions to my opinions, but after reading the book, I realize I was presenting the same arguments those in the gay present - except I was presenting from my own studies, not what has been shoved down my throat by religion. It was weird and very "telling". As far as Messianic Judaism, no my family actually disapproves of my religous choice. It wasn't until about 8 years ago, I chose to identify most closely with this faith. The Messianic part identifies me with the Christian world, and the Jewish (Gentile by birth, Jewish by heart) part idientifies with Judaism. I believe both testaments are valid and necessary when interpreting what the Bible says about anything. My family and friends would be disapproving based on the Bible, but I am not sure that is my struggle (right now anyway). My struggle comes from a fear of people, not God.
My whole, entire family, is Southern Baptist, as I am now finding out. They are soooooo conservative it makes me sick, but since I'm a stranger in their "world" I don't try to correct them or tell them their ignorant. I know it's easy to get hung up on other people's religion around you, but that's something you're going to have to get over. To me, you don't sound very happy right now, and I think the only way you're going to get back to normal is if you come out. Would your entire family totally disown you? My family is religious too, but I don't think all of them, every last one of them, would disown me, I just can't see that happening. Is it going to be an ugly, uphill battle with them? Yes. Is it going to seem like the situation is getting worse before it gets better? Yes. But I have to do what's right for me, and is going to make me a full person. Once everyone knows, I'll be able to be happy again and normal, and not so depressed all the time like I am now.
My entire family - well, I am actually in the process of slowly engaging in conversation with my bio mom (who has never admitted she is gay even though she has had a partner for 20 years). Beyond that, yes. Actually, right now I am quite estranged already because of my religious preference (which does not affect them at all) and my open mindedness and willingness to be friends with anyone - black, white, mixed, gay, straight, Baptist, New Age, etc. My only requirement for a friendship is mutual respect. That, in itself, is a significant problem with my friends and family. My family and friends believe if someone is "sinning" it is better to not associate with them and "put them out of the community". The theory is they will realize the error of their ways, repent, and then may regain fellowship. I will have to see how it goes with my bio mom, but beyond that, I am really not sure. As far as happy, well, I am getting there. It might be better to define my state of mind as lonely versus unhappy. Although I am feeling extremely lonely, I also feel a sense of peace, freedom, and contentment that I have never had before. I am not saying I am jumping for joy, but I feel real for the first time in my life (even though I have only been "real" to myself and this forum).
Well, and this is just my opinion and I'm not trying to be blunt or anything, but if your family doesn't want to really associate with you because you believe in a different sect of religion then they do, why would you care what they think about you being gay? That just sounds ridiculous and if I were you I would be extremely angry. But you shouldn't tell them out of anger either. What I would do, now that I understand what your situation is, is sit down with as many of them as I could get together, and tell them everything. Put it all out on the table, say this is me and who I'm going to be, and take it or leave it. I love you all, but this is who I'm going to be and I'd really like to have your support. Just my opinion.
I wrote a long post and somehow lost it. Here is the short version. I started communication with my bio mom about her and her partner (they have been together - bed, finance, kids- for 20 years - and profess they are not gay). I emailed her and asked her to be honest about their relationship from the beginning. I did not disclose anything about me being gay. She emailed me back, and was very honest with me. She told me they tried it but that it did not "work in the bedroom". She said they don't have a gay relationship mostly because she believes it is wrong. She said she could never tell someone else that it is okay. I responded to all of the relational issues brought up in her response. Then, I shared with her I am gay. I told her a little about my process about coming to accept myself right now. I asked for her to keep our conversations via email VERY private. I know we will have to figure out what to say to the family members who are hateful towards gay people - and what to tell my nieces and nephews that live with my mom. Although they are quite young, they are quite perceptive. Curiosity will certainly avail itself if I "bring home" an Amy instead of an Adam. They'll probably notice. The only thing I wish I had added was an explanation of my most recent relationship - heterosexual - so I'll do the admitting of that hear (i think i might of already). Anyway, I dated Adam for about 6 months - but my reasons were less than noble - I want a baby, he has sperm, and I wanted his sperm. Believe me, he did not donate in any shape or form. And he wasn't even nice to me. - Sad deal.
CONGRATULATIONS ON COMING OUT !!! Even if it was to one person, good job I still think your mom and her "friend" are lesbians, just calling it as I see it, not trying to be mean or hurtful. She would be quite the hypocrite if she didn't accept you. And those kids who live with her are young, and you still have the oppurtunity to change their minds. Don't stress over them.
I do think it will go well. My mom and her partner have not had it easy. They experienced a lot of judgment from everyone. They did not have anyone to sort it out with. I can't imagine her not accepting me. I think the worst thing would be for her to continue to assert her heterosexual relationship with her partner or feeling guilty that I am gay - like she somehow messed me up or something.
It went great! She responded so quick, I can't believe it. The development of our relationship will be interesting - for the first time in 30 years, we have both been totally honest with each other. It's amazing!
