I am one of Chinese Indonesian who was born in Java island of Indonesia. My ethnic was greatly surpressed by the late president so basically my family could not practice both the language and religion of China at that time. Therefore, I took Catholic for my official ID (the country forces the people to take one of the recognized religions). Due to Confucian background of my family, I need to obey my parents whether they are right or wrong. Sometimes my parents got angry to me and abuse me by abusive speech or harsh action even though it is not to the extent of throwing plates to me. Therefore, I become a person who obeys my parents subconsciusly (with argument). One day, my brother had an erotic comic and my parents discovered it. They were very angry to him and confiscated the comic. I was so trembled with fear due to that incident. I don't know whether it is due to that incident or due to the bully from my classmate or others, I begin to like man. I began to masturbate (I did not know at that time what it was) by fantasizing some erotic things with my male friends. However, at the same time, I was so afraid of the condemnation from the bible and the people around me if they find out. Thus, I keep silent. All of them happened in my elementary school years. I try to act 'normal' until I almost graduate from my undergrad. I feel so condemned by the bible, I cannot feel God love at all so I leave Catholic. Then, I follow Western Buddhism which emphasizes about love above all (without religion can make me insecure as an Indonesian). I go to Japan to study in one of the prestigious university in Tokyo. It said that I can study without the need to know Japanese at all. Though, it is a big lie, at least for my lab. I was even blamed for coming to Japan without learning proper Japanese. WTH. The support division did not want to make an effort to help me to move to another lab in another department. At least, that what I felt by talking to them. I begin to look for an escape from lab everyday. I cannot stop because everyone, especially my parents, wants me to finish it. Even though I had been experiencing mild depression at that time. One day, I found a guy who I had a chat with almost everyday. With him, I can release a bit of stress and depressesion from the lab for that day only. The days passed and I finished my master. I could not stop until that point because I could get extension of my scholarship and nobody wants me to stop. The days in my Ph.D. were even worse since I could not talk with that guy everyday due to a reason. My mind becomes difficult to control anymore until I confessed to that guy. He was extremely angry and digusted with me and I felt into a deep depression. I asked my parents and my friends for help and chatting partner. However, they always say that it is all my fault and my parents even got angry to me.... I tried to commit suicide, but I was afraid if I did not die, but handicapped for the whole life. There was an event that forced me to meet many people. However, that event could relieve a bit of my depression. During that moment, I chose to stop living in Tokyo and moved to another city and redo my Ph.D. once more. My reasons are my parents are far from being helpful for my recovery. They always blame me for being able to love men. I cannot go for a job as well because my condition at that moment is far from healthy for a job. The traumas are still here with me even though 6 months has passed since I left Tokyo. I could not trust my parents who only supports my monetary problem, but does not want to accept me for who I am. I believe there is almost no one from my friends who can accept me for who I am. I cannot tell my new friends as well because I am afraid of being digusted like before. I feel so restless due to that fear and monetary problem as well... (I do not have scholarship at the moment). I am doing my best for my study and my recovery, but I still feel that I cannot trust anybody wholly because they cannot accept me for who I am. I go to campus psychiatrist once or twice a month, but I don't go to an LGBT events because I am afraid of being found out and I do not have money to go to bar and such. Well, sorry for being so long, but it is the complete story of my life till now. Can anybody give some advices regarding my condition? Thank you in advance.... oh yeah, I am not sure whether I am 100%gay, but I am definitely not straight.
