I was speaking to a gay guy the other week (who happens to wear outlandish clothes and paints red eyebrows onto his forehead), who told me that whilst he was waiting at a tramstop an old man spat on him! How would you cope and move on if that were to happen to you?
The reason that I ask, is because since coming out to my mum before easter, she has said a couple of intolerant things about gay people in my presence, which I have taken personally (I know I shouldn't but I feel like she has metaphorically spat at me at the tramstop). I'm not coping well with somone important in my life not approving of me as a gay man. I know I've made the right decision to come out, but now that I've had a moderately negative experience of coming out, I have doubts about coming out further. How can I live with this negativity? Do I just have to believe in myself so much that I don't care about what others think?
That is a tough one... actually both situations. For the gentleman on the tram, I'm for giving the older generations some leeway on the acceptance thing. He was probably around long before the gay revolution in 1970s. Spitting on someone is just not acceptable in my book, no matter whom they are. For the other situation, I think each time Mom gave an intolerant remark, I'd call her out on it. I would ask her if she was making a generalization about all gays or perhaps if she was making a stereotypical remark about some gays. I would remind her to keep in mind that her son and her nephew are gay, therefore they would be included in any categorical remarks she might be making. My upbringing was probably different than yours though. Grandma (Mom's mom) was very accepting of gays. One of the friends of the family was an openly gay male. Grandma treated him as if he was a member of the family. As I indicated above, one of my cousins (Mom's sister's son) is also gay, and though he just came out last year, the family knew and accepted it for years.
I certainly did call her on it. But the insensitivity of the comment was huge in my mind. (But I think I'm overly sensitive to any remarks about gay people.) I think deep down I hate criticism and I hate the fact that I'm in a position that makes me a soft target for criticism. Unfortunately, I just cant seem to get over being criticised very well, even though I know criticism is all a part of everyone's life from time to time. What to do about that.....?
Well you are correct, everyone is subject to criticism at some point. Is your hatred of criticism based on anything particular in your life? Criticism is just an indication from the person that there is something that they feel you need to change. It is not the end-all-be-all remark. Not only do you have the chance to change based on the criticism, you have an opportunity not to change. Both are important. Criticism is no more than someone's belief. Would you let someone's belief change who you are? It depends on the situation. If they say, "Josh that hair is getting a little wild", I would determine if it needs to be cut. If they say, "Those glasses are huge", I take it into consideration when selecting my new frames. If they say, "You're such a cock-sucking faggot", I can't change who I am so that opinion will have to be ignored. Criticism hurts every time, because it is saying there something that they feel needs to be changed. The ability to overcome this feeling of hurtfulness is the key. There are several ways to approach this. Overcome the criticism by accepting the change. If it is possible and reasonable to make the change, and you want to do, go ahead and make the change Overcome the criticism by reasoning with the critic. Overcome the criticism by ignoring the critic. This is the best option for the "energy vampires". Those are the people that suck all of the energy out of a relationship (friendship, acquaintance, etc.) by dwelling on the negative and generally attacking those it surrounds.
Why do I hate criticism? because I'm a bit partial to perfectionism. Thanks, you give some good advice. If you get criticised from an ignorant person, the only appropriate course action is to forget about it. If only it were that easy!
Well the particular quote was from a neo-Nazi at a Gay Pride event last week. What benefit would there have been to confront the person? Chalk it up to ignorance and chuckle about it later (in this case he was factual although offensive). He was looking for any type of feedback, whether it was yelling, violence, crying, whatever. He wanted a reaction, because he feeds on it. When he got nothing, the group focused on someone else. Finally, enough people ignored their comments that they just left.
That's a really good point. Had my mum made that comment in front of me with a group of gay people, we would surely have looked around at each other and burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of it. But sometimes I feel like I'm battling homophobia on my own and it's tougher that way.
Well, lets just say the old guy wouldn't be alive today... because he accidentally tripped on his way into the bus and hit his head on the curb. :eusa_whis J/k... but this would be me::tantrum: What kind of jerk spits on a kid? Even an eccentric kid? Come on now. :eusa_hand
