I've been in a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart now for almost 9 years. We have also been engaged for 4 years and have 3 kids. I lost my virginity to her at 17 (we weren't together at the time) and have only had sex with one other girl before I made it official with my girlfriend. Now, I have always struggled with my sexuality (had gay thoughts, finding guys attractive etc but always brushed it off as curiosity) and now I feel like I never gave myself the chance to experience that side of me and find out who I really am. I feel I rushed into things way to quickly with my partner. By the time I was 20 I had my first child and I am now 26 with 3 children. As of late I have been having a very hard time dealing with my feelings and my attraction to men has doubled tenfold which has caused me spiral into deep depression. The last few months I have been drowning myself in a bottle just to cope but thankfully I have managed to stop and it was only after reaching out to a close friend and it was under the influence of alcohol that it gave me the confidence to tell him my darkest secret - I think I maybe gay or bisexual. I guess why I am writing here is because I feel absolutely lost. I don't know what to do. My need to be honest and tell my partner I'm gay/bi is getting stronger by the day. I feel she deserves to know. It plays on my mind all the time. I don't know how to tell her though, what if it's the wrong thing to do, I don't know if I want to lose my family? I love her dearly and my children and I don't want to live without them but I feel like I'm sacrificing who I really and my chance of happiness by doing so. The love for my partner has always been real and I'd want her to know that. How do I convince her that what I felt for her was true and that I haven't been hiding behind our relationship as a gay/bi man when it wasn't until recent that I actually felt this way. I need help!
Jim, Like you, I got married young at 23, and had kids soon thereafter. I look back and and believe my rush into marriage so young was my way of avoiding having to deal with the doubts and confusion in my head. While married, I occupied and distracted myself by focusing solely on my career. It allowed me to justify to myself why I did not need to pay attention to my sexual confusion. Another distraction if you will. But, as it happens, life has a way of catching up. At some point, all the distractions I made for myself no longer held. My natural and deeply buried urges and desires caught up with my conscious self. I no longer could ignore them or explain them away. And I finally embraced whom I was. Like you, I weighed the risks of coming out and the impact on my family. And I concluded changes were required. Maintaining the status quo was a losing proposition for all of us. I would remain unhappy, emotionless and removed; my wife would be held back from reaching her full potential as a person; and my kids would never know whom their father really was. Also, as I have consistently stated on EC, I do believe kids are resilient. As long as you continue to show them love, they will love you back. This holds regardless of being married or separated. To me, weighing the pros and cons, the pros won, and promptly after accepting myself I came out to my wife. It's been a journey, a lot of ups and downs, but she and I have reached a place of indifference, my kids now know whom their father is and are accepting of me, and I have never been happier. I hope you find peace with whichever you decide!
No worries. Feel free to post more questions, thoughts as you go through this. You will find a lot of support on EC!
Some perspective from the other side. Tell her. Let her process it. It's hard when your partner comes out, believe me. I've been dealing with it for ten months and I'm finally to the point where I realize that our 20 plus year relationship was genuine. It took a lot of soul searching, and while he assured me repeatedly that it was genuine, I had to realize that gay is not an exclusive term - that he is gay, but not "Kinsey 6"; he's actually a five, which is termed homoflexible. This realization has been so important, because it allows for our relationship to have genuine meaning, genuine affection, genuine love. And while our marriage is over, our friendship - the crux of our relationship - is not. We're able to get back to each other, as friends. Give her the truth. Give yourself the truth. Even if you don't know what the full truth is right now. Even if it hurts, even if it's hard. You both deserve it. You're young, and you deserve to be happy. And give her the space to figure out how she fits into the picture. This life is just too short to live in misery and despair. Give yourself some air, some breathing room. I wish you peace and happiness.
