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I think I actually regret coming out...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Keymon, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. Keymon

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    Hello,

    It was my 18th birthday on the 11th (national coming out day) and it was a day I will never forget. I got a bit drunk and confessed to my parents that I am gay. I'm the type of gay male you would never expect by the way, I am not feminine at all, I thought it would be the turning point of my life and so far it hasn't been. My parents and family completely accepted me and are acting normal. But I never thought I would say, I've never felt more alone right now.

    A great sense of depression has overwhelmed me the last few days, when I told them I went into some sort of shock myself, it was such a strange feeling, everything hit me. I was confused for days - not sexually by the way I know I am completely gay.

    I feel alone now and even though I have told my family and spoke openly with them about my sexuality, I am confused as to why I still feel extremely sick and anxious about anyone finding out in school. I still cant tell people? I'm going to have to do this for the rest of my life, keep coming out to people around me, the thing is I do accept myself but I still feel anxious about telling people? I feel ashamed and anxious. How can I be proud of this, its not a proud thing to be is it?

    I know that I don't have to tell everyone I meet but whenever I speak to people in school, I feel as though I have done nothing at all and that I am still in the closet. I'm so annoyed with myself.

    The scenario I keep thinking is that, if someone said to me 'your a faggot, your so weird, your not normal' I would probably scrunch up and get embarassed, I would probably have a panic attack in that sort of situation. What is wrong with me? Am I still in shock or something? I'm so stressed, and I have no one to talk to about this, people in my school are gay but they are completely feminine and different to me, I am also not close with anyone who is gay at all. I feel so alone and stuck, as to why I have came on here.

    Thanks for any advice, I know this may seem all over the place but I need somewhere to vent my feelings and have support.
     
    #1 Keymon, Oct 16, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2015
  2. Martin

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    Hey,

    It's possible that the feeling of loneliness you still continue to feel, despite having come out to your close family, is because your situation is still rather isolating for you. To be closeted from people at school is a big part of your life, and there are aspects to our personality and/or life that we just aren't comfortable disclosing with our family members compared to our friends.

    Firstly, it is completely normal to fear the unknown. There's a lot of prejudice out there and it affects all of us, no matter how much we try and not care about the opinion of strangers. Fortunately, coming out is something that gets easier as we get older. For two reasons: 1) Peer pressure becomes less influential as we get older, therefore the friendships we form become more mature and open to diversity. Young people are a walking contradiction in that they're amongst the most 'liberal' and gay-accepting age demographic, and yet also have one of the highest bullying rates too. People do stupid things that they don't, in their heart, mean when under the influence of peer pressure and wanting to fit in. 2) As we get older, the opinions of others tends to matter less, as our developing independence grants us more options for navigating life in a way that works for us. I went to University at 18 and was rather secretive about my sexuality, despite being out to family. Like you, I didn't know how people would react, and I didn't want to sabotage my ability to fit in and socialise. However, as time passed, I gradually came out to more people, and I started to see just how little it actually mattered to people as we all grew up together. There was no striving for popularity or a hierarchy, so nobody was trying to put on a show-off performance to fit into groups. They were just themselves.

    So... my advice would be to go at your own pace and tell people as and when you feel comfortable. You are under no obligation to tell people, but also remember that the mindset we have when closeted is to catastrophise and go to the worst possible option. In reality, there is nothing we can do to stop a dickhead acting like a dickhead. If somebody wants to act like a wool, they're going to find whatever reason they can to have a go, whether that be nitpicking at something stupid (sexuality, hair colour, accent etc), or just making something up. Luckily, those people show their true colours, which makes it very easy to avoid them and develop true relationships with people who actually matter. It's understandable you'll be anxious about avoiding them (even I still am), but our confidence and capacity for rising above it is so much more empowered when you've already got that support and social network in place. The anxiety may not ever completely disappear, but it'll get a lot better.

    All in all, the great thing about coming out is that it also acts like exposure therapy for us, making it easier to navigate. I've gone from catastrophising I would be chucked out and disowned if I came out, to just slipping it into relevant conversation when I met people. Literally along the lines of "yadda yadda yadda [insert sexuality reference here] yadda yadda yadda" For most people reasonable people, and thankfully there's an abundance in Liverpool (scousers FTW), they aren't bothered. They'll treat you how you treat them.

    I wish I had more reassuring advice to give, but unfortunately it's something we only ever grasp through learnt experiences. I had somebody tell me the same when I was first planning to come out, and it annoyed me that it still all felt like this dark path of uncertainty that I had to walk down alone. In reality, that person was right, and none of it was a fraction as bad as I thought it would be. I had plenty of hiccups and negative reactions along the way, but they don't matter nearly as much as you think they will, once you've already got a circle of friends who you can be yourself around. So... aim for that. Have a think about who in your circle of friends you can trust, and think about at what moment you would feel comfortable telling them. Only you will know when, but it will be good practice as your coming out process progresses, and it'll get the ball rolling so that the fear and anxiety of the unknown is drained out of it. Trust me, it all is a lot easier to handle when there's people who've got your back. You've already got your family on side, so you're well on your way to truly being able to be yourself without having to 'watch yourself' for leaking gayness signs. Identity policing is an exhausting and isolating process, and you'll feel like a weight has ben lifted from your shoulders when you aren't actively having to behave in a manner that ensures your identity remains hidden.

    Good luck!

    Martin.
     
  3. Keymon

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    Thanks so much for this advice, it was perfect for me to hear. I went to sleep after writing this and just woke up feeling a lot better. I thought about it now, and I do not regret coming out. I've saw on othet forums it gets worse before it gets better, probably what I am going through currently huh. I need to remember that at least now in front of my family i dont have to watch my every word like i used to. I am going to tell one person in school, someone i feel i can most trust, I will make it a small goal. I thought of that when you said about the pathway.

    This is a crazy process and I am overthinking everything. Thanks so much for the support, just what I needed was so down before. Thankyou.
     
  4. littleraven

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    Congrats on telling your folks. :slight_smile: Remember that you can choose who you come out to. It's okay to only come out to people you are comfortable with. If you don't feel safe telling someone, you don't have to tell them.
     
  5. OurHistory

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    Congratulations on coming out! I think the most important thing isn't who you tell or don't tell, but accepting it yourself. Being confident that you are who you are, and you are not ANY less because of it. This is easier said than done. It is possible to accept this fact mentally, but not psychologically.

    It's really not your problem, but THEIR problem if they don't accept you for who you are. They are just presenting their own insecurities, ignorance, and bigotry. You are in the right.

    We can't know who we are, or where we are going, unless we first know where we've been. So I suggest reading about gay history, and watching old (non-porn) gay films, listening to gay-themed music, and otherwise learning about the evolution of our struggle and activist culture.

    I recommend starting by reading the Wiki article of one of the bravest and most principled people in history, Karl Ulrich:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karl_Heinrich_Ulrichs

    Love and best wishes to you.