ok.. so well.. if you've read my posts you know like i finally decided i am bi... and i KNOW it because i like guys.. and girls too.. i mean.. this is kinda embarrasing.. but yeah.. i dont get 'turned on' as much with a girl... but i still do... and i mean.. when i dated these girls b4.. i like... felt this thing inside... it was like hard to explain.. btu it made me extemely happy and i loved that and i loved them.. (not i didnt date both at once) now... i've kinda been looking mroe toward guys.. the girl i liek who lieks me doesnt go out with me... but there are no guys either... so yeah... at night.. or when i have a lot of free time.. or even during class in school.... i imagine me marrying this very very beautiful woman.. and having a family.. and being all happy... like yeah might b to early to think about a family or whatever... but i mean... i feel like that'd be extremely awesome and that it'd make me so happy... and so i mean.. i had accepted that yes, i was kinda half gay.. or well a bit more than half... but then.. there was a problem once before.. some stupid idiot kid tricked me into going to this website... according to him.. it was a game.. i was stupid enough to believe it.. and when i got there it was all this 'gay adult content' and that wasnt even my computer >_< one day one of my brothers came.. and my other brother told him that he thought my other brother was looking at gay porn... ( i have 3 brothers) and so then they asked me and i confessed it was me... and i explained what happened... but one of my brothers didnt believe me.... he didnt say he didnt believe me.. but then soon after that i found out.. he began to show me and try to give me this cd that he had labeled "sex videos" i rejected it all the time.. never took it... then when we were at his house working on a site that he wanted me to help design he said "lets get some ideas from other sites..." he went to his favorites and clicked one "lets see what this is.." (thats what he said).. in the little title bar thing i say it said "porn something something" my ehart stopped for a second and all i could do was say "hold on i have to use the bathroom" i got up and left.. i didnt know what to do... i was extremely nervous.. but there was not much i coudl do... i walked back as if nothing happened.. and told him i was just washing my hands.. then he opened the site and started playing videos.... he started asking me questions like "do you like this?.." and i didnt like it at the moment bacause it was weird.. and i didnt feel comfortable.. but i nodded.. and then he asked me if i wanted to c more and i said no.. eventually he took it off and began telling me he didnt want me to turn out gay... i said i wouldnt... and of course.. he didnt believe me... this happened again about 3 or 4 times.. and he always yalks about sexual things when we're in his car... well the point is.. this all kinda made me feel weird about him and about everyone else.... and not too very long ago something weird happened.. and very random too.... i no longer accepted liking guys... i began to say to myself "i won't be gay" and i said "from nwo on i'll do all i can to become as staright as possible" and well its kind of still there... i dont know why it happened.. and i dont know what to do... i know that i will not 'come out' to my family any time soon.. and i am extremely confused... because i try to not be atracted to guys.. and well. it doesn't really work... i mean it worked once.. cuz i forced myself to find something wrong with someone.. then i stopped liking him.. but it doesnt work anymore... i still liek guys.. and girls too.. btu i like... have this feeling that tells me to not like guys... to become 100% straight if possible... It won't go away... and i kind of don't want it to... i sort of took 10 steps back instead of moving forward... and i somehwo feel inside me that.. changing the way i am now is the right thing to do.... because i REALLY want to marry a woman who will give me a great life.. and who will have my children.. and who will love me like no other and always be there for me......... i dont know what to do or think anymore... plz help me =\ sorry its so long by the way..
OK, lots to say, so hold tight. First off, if you're gay, you're gay. Nothing you think or do will change that. You may choose to ignore it. You may choose to live "counter to your programming". But your homosexuality will always be there. There are several older guys here who have done what you're suggesting. Living counter to their programming, getting married, having children. I can let them tell their own stories, but many of them do not turn out with a happily ever after. This is something both you and your brother need to be made aware of. He may not want you to "turn out gay", but he can't prevent that anymore than he can prevent you from "turning out six feet tall". If you're gonna be that height, you're gonna be that height, and nothing he can do will change that. Similarly, if you're gay, no amount of straight porn (or avoidance of gay porn) is going to change that. Don't get your cause and effect mixed up. Guys don't become gay by looking at gay porn. Guys look at gay porn because they like to - because they're gay. Now it may be you ARE bisexual. It may be that you DO find a woman, fall in love, and live happily ever after. If so, hey - killer. But don't try to force a happily-ever-after where there is none. That's a result. It comes about from meeting someone, clicking and buliding a relationship together. I managed to pull it off. With a guy. And yes, you can have a happily-ever-after with a guy. Trust me on that one. So what should you do? Stop trying to steer the train. Trains go down the tracks that have been laid down - you can't alter course. Accept that. You don't have to come out to your family right now (or even in the foreseeable future). If your brother keeps wanting to show you porn, or talk about sex, feel free to stop it. "I feel really weird talking about sex/looking at porn with my brother. Can we not do this?" And for the rest, just let it go where it may. You may end up finding a girl you really do click with. In which case, great, go for it. Or you may end up deciding you really do like guys. In which case, great, go for it. Lex
That's not fair that your brother told you that you can't be gay; it's not his choice, and it's not yours either. I don't know what to tell you about getting the feeling that you have to be 100% straight other than to tell you that you don't have to be straight. You don't have to be anything or anyone other than yourself. Let me know if you want to talk about it more, I'd be glad to.
I noticed that you put "bisexual" as your orientation. And you recognize that you like both guys and girls. And hon, I don't think there's a way that you can just wish away part of that. Do you think that you're uncomfortable telling people because you haven't accepted it, or are you having trouble accepting this because of how you think others will react? In all honesty, if you like girls, and you're dead set on not going out with a guy, then you will succeed. You will only go out with girls. Bisexuals do have a choice of which gender to date (if they care which one) and they can still be happy, I guess However, I don't know what long term effects denying your sexuality will have. What will happen if you fall in love with a guy? What will happen if you want to have gay sex? What will you do with these feelings? Whoever you decide you're going to date, or whatever you decide to label yourself, or how you're going to act, make sure it's in the best interest of you. Make sure it's what you want, and not your family or anyone else. This is your life.
wow that REALLY like.. helped me make more sence of everything... i mean.. i'm not liek all gay.. and i dont just think so... i KNOW so... because liek i can love a girl.. and yes i'd be able to like.. have intimate relationships and stuff with girls.. and i think that it would feel less awkward than with a guy... i was @ a friends house one day.. and.. i mean according to them.. they're all straight.. (maybe that was why i felt weird) but the thing is that they were like... kinda playing as if having sex, but with clothes on... which was the weirdest thing in the world.. and they jumped on top of me and started doing stuff (it wasn't liek rape.. lol) they called it "playing around" but i call it "total weirdness" of couse i kicked one fo them and got all of them off of me... idk.. but i find that weird... and i kind of imagine doing somethign alike with a girl... and yeah.. ti seems a bit weird... but nto as much.... so.. well i mean.. i hoep i DO find that right person.. and i hope i can just.. hide my sexuality from my mom and siblings.. and well.. i mean.. i guess you're right about the "dont try to steer the train".. but i mean.. i can't help it.. i guess i just have to see where it all leads...
Ok first things first to find true happiness you need to accept yourself for who you are and what you like. If your Bi then who cares i mean like its who you are and you didn't choose to be bi or gay. So when you think about having a good life with someone who cares about you as much as you care about them its about what makes you happy. =]
