so, growing up i talked about boys a lot with my big sister, you know the whole. "oh he is soooo hot" thing, but i never really felt anything for a guy,but i knew what someone being attractive looks like so i agreed and said i liked them even if i didn't, all through 11 years old to..last week, (i am 14 btw) but i have known for a few months that i am not as straight as i thought, i thought i was straight, then bi, and now i really don't feel like bi was a good label, and i know i don't have to label myself but i cant keep lying about what i feel, i have had a lot of girl crushes growing up but only one guy crush, and i tell my sister everything, but i have been talking about guys with her for years, how do i tell her i have been lying for like 3 or 4 years? and then if i can say that, how do i explain how i have lied to myself about my feelings, i don't think she would understand that i could actually convince myself that i liked a guy, even if i didn't feel anything, and then convince myself that all the girl crushes were just friend feelings. she loves me and would accept me but she hates liars, and i told her that i would always be true with her
I think there's a difference between lying with the intent to deceive someone and lying because you yourself don't know what the truth is, or because you feel like you have to conform to the expectation of "straight girl." A lot of us LBPQ women have had the same experience with convincing ourselves that we feel things for men when we don't, or that when we have a crush on a woman it's just strong friendship or something. Anyway, if you are as close to her as you seem to be, I would hope that she cares about you and would ultimately want to be there for you no matter what you say to her. If you feel like you can trust her and this is something that you really want to talk to her about, it might be good for you to talk to her about it. On the other hand, can you trust her not to tell parents/ friends/ whoever? I don't really know enough about your situation to recommend one way or another. Also, I don't think it's right to feel like you have to come out to her if you are not ready just because you promised not to lie to her.
Saying you like boys in the past wasn't lying the way I see it. It's not like you knew the truth and decided to maliciously deceive her. You didn't really understand your own feelings in the past. I know for me I thought when I thought guys were hot, it was normal. Only recently did I realize I was just acknowledging that they were attractive and then playing it up to sound like everyone else did when they talked about hot guys. In a sense, I figured that was what I had to do to be part of the norm and I really thought it was real. That doesn't mean I was lying, it's just how I understood my emotions and attractions at the time. Also, finding people attractive isn't a bad thing to be untruthful about when you don't understand your orientation yet, because it doesn't cause anyone harm. I don't know how your sister is, but I think if you explain all this to her and be honest, she'd understand. It's not anyone's job to judge what your true feelings are based on things you said or did in the past. And if you aren't ready to come out, that's okay too. You don't owe it to her for anything unless you are ready and comfortable with telling her.
