Hi people, Just a heads up, some of my comments here may be a little TMI, but I have to get a little sexually graphic here to explain my situation. Im having a really hard time with my sexuality at the moment. Ive been in a relationship for 5 years with my boyfriend, the past year has been distance, like a 4 hour flight distance. I've always thought I was bi...but definitely waay more attracted to women, I used to always joke with my bf and say 'you're the only man for me,because if I wasnt with you I'd be gay." but now Ive had physical space with the long distance thing, maybe I am gay? Its so frickkin confusing, I mean Cara Delevigne says she has erotic dreams only about men, but she only seems to date women. I dont hate straight sex, like I can actually cum from straight sex, which a lot of straight women dont even apparently, which I thought must mean I can be straight, but then I read a forum about how men come out as gay after marriage and having children, which said that the mechanical action of having sex even though its with a woman is enough, and that they just stay with their wives because they love them as a friend and try to be "normal". It also said the sex is not even the biggest part of sexuality, but the feelings that go with it. That made me think of my own situation. I dont want to suppress these feelings then eventually run off with the hot nanny when Im in my 40s! I'll explain some reasons why I think I might be lesbian- 99% of crushes are on women. I see hot chicks everywhere, dont find many men attractive, my female friend shows me guys she has dates with on ****** and I dont see whats so good about them. When females ask me what types of guys I like, I think to myself "hmm, none really", also I dont really like objectifying people too much. Hate straight romance movies, enjoy lesbian romance in film (Imagine Me & You, love that film <3) I sort of fell into dating guys again, like 8 years ago. I broke up with a girl I was with for 10 months because she cheated on me with a guy in rehab and ended up being just really nasty to me and I was devastated. Not long after I went to a party and got wasted and thought after trying to make out with all the girls I would hook up with a dude to forget out my ex, and because I hadnt done it with a guy for years. That guy kept pursuing me and I dated him because my friend said I should just relax and have fun. Didn't really feel anything for him at all but was with him for some years. I think what really started me thinking I might be gay again recently, is I worked a contract job with this girl, and I used to overhear her talking to this guy about how hot I was, and it made me feel...weird. I really liked it, then we all went out for drinks one night and she was sitting near me and I couldn't stop thinking about kissing her. This is a bad sign because I am not a cheater, when I am with someone I only want to be with them. I only ever get nervous around girls, and most guys I've dated I always feel a slight contempt for them, like I think they are idiots and that they were only temporary (but thats maybe because they were idiots). To be bluntly sexual again, I think I just use them for the penetration, Im not into any of the other stuff, or trying to pleasure them, which is really selfish. Contrary to popular belief straight guys aren't just happy to be having sex they are sensitive too and want to feel wanted, which I dont do, but I cant force myself to do things. My bf is just so kind though, he's the best person I've ever had in my life. He is my best friend and loves me with all my flaws,. I dont want to lose someone so rare and genuine when there arent many people like that in the world but I cant get women out of my head. I even got drunk and told my friend about it. Its causing me great emotional pain and I cant focus on my work Well sorry for the essay! Thanks to this site I was at least able to get some thoughts off my chest, I have no-one to talk to, and I dont feel comfortable trying to pursue therapy,. I will probably continue forcing down my feelings for women I think, till I explode.
you're not alone on that feeling, I've been married for 7 years, got 2 kids..i am an outgoing person, the boyish type of girl, but i am attracted physically with guys, good looking guys...i had a feeling of confusion with my feelings, way back when i was in high school, but it was just for a short period of time, emotionally attached to a girl back then..i had a few boyfriends before i got married..after a failed marriage because he cheated on me, i was happy being single for 3 years..then i met a girl on my office, i did not know that she is a bisexual..we became close, then when she told me she like me, we agreed in having a relationship..it was way different that my past relationship with boys, i felt complete, it was just so easy being happy when im with her, im not physically attracted to her, but i am emotionally in love with her, we really just have this chemistry..and its really a one of a kind relationship..but recently we just broke up, because she found a guy that's courting her for months, and she just broke up with me, not because she don't love me, but because of her religion, family and faith..she is a JW since birth..and it really saddens me and really broke my heart when it happen..but at least i was able to find who the real me is..you can pretend to be normal, or stick with the relationship you have now..but it won't make you completely happy, there will always be that what if question that you will have in your mind...one way or another, you will still hurt your boyfriend, because right now you are hurting him, without him knowing that your not that happy with him..so, just go with what makes you happy..it may be hard, but life isn't easy at all, you just have to accept who you are....
Well that's sad. what are you going to do now? Try and find another woman? See I'm definitely attracted physically to women. I've struggled with depression off and on for a while so it's hard for me to know myself and what I want. I have something of a dysphoria at times. Im worried about if I change my mind, I'll never get him back. Why must being a human be so hard with emotions and stuff, ugh. I don't know what makes me happy.
