How to be openly bi with girlfriend

So I've been with my girlfriend just under 5 years now. We met in college and have been living together for about a year or so. Once I finish my masters, I plan on taking us away to an exotic location on the other side of the world, maybe a euro backpacking trip. This is when I plan on dropping to one knee. We're both on the same page about getting married; what we have is pretty legit. However, I know we're not 100% open with each others sexuality. I feel like this is our final hurdle to jump over, and that once it's finally out of the way, our relationship will be astronomically infinite.

So I came here to get some advice on how to have this conversation, or if it should be had at all. Hopefully somebody has been in my shoes before. I'm particularly interested in hearing from a female that is openly bi with her husband. Also, I'd like to know what my official 'label' should be. I'm not really involved in the LGBT community and am not a pro with the terminology, so I apologize if I'm wrong or if I offend anybody. I typically just accept what I like and don't like, and disregard all of the confusing and conflicting titles as useless. However in doing this, I think I might be mislabeling myself. I'll let you all be the judge of that. Haha. No but seriously, don't judge me. :icon_bigg. Also sorry if this is lengthy and sorry if it contains explicit material, I'll try to keep it clean.

I'll start with information about myself. I have always been attracted to women and always will be. Since a young age, I have been successful and active with females. However since I was about 16 years old, I have experimented with anal masturbation. Obviously it came off as taboo and made me question everything. I had my fair share of mild depression and self esteem issues just because I had this guilty pleasure. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with still living with my family and having a terrible, abusive, and prejudice girlfriend at that time. It sucks not having privacy and worrying about what everybody thinks about you. Anyway that all changed when I finally moved away to attend college. I came to accept what I was into and stopped worrying about it, but never told anyone of course. Basically, I'm only really attracted to girls and the female body. However, my little hobby has led to an attraction with the male sex organ :eusa_doh: I also really enjoy "shemale" porn as well. :eusa_doh::eusa_doh: Sorry if that term offends anybody, I know it's not correct to use. I will really watch any porn that involves a hot girl...whom may also have a penis. I don't watch gay porn and even avoid men in shemale porn. Before I met my current lovely, I'll admit to experimenting with guys a couple times. This is the first time I've ever been vocal about this, so thanks. I was so picky. I couldn't believe how hard it was to find exactly what I was willing to go with, which was essentially a mostly feminine and soft look. To my surprise, those experiences weren't that great. I don't know if it was nerve or lack of attraction. I remember on one of those occasions I had to completely take my mind elsewhere and fantasize about a girl just to be done with it. Not making excuses, it's just how it went down. If I had an opportunity to try it out again I would, but only with a 100% passable transgendered girl, with a nice tool. Through all of this I consider myself bi. Any second opinions?

A little about us/her: We have an awesome relationship and very healthy sex life. I would say I'm a little more sexual than her, but hey that's probably because I'm a guy. She doesn't know ANYTHING about my non-hetero-history btw. Anyway, there are reasons for me to believe that she is attracted to women, mostly because of experiences in the bedroom. I thought about this a lot, and no it's not because I wish it were true, but it wouldn't bother me. For instance, on occasion we used to watch dirty movies during sex. Typically I would let her perform the search and select the movies. She always leaned toward girl on girl and mff threesomes. She would even get extremely wet and even cum during ...spicy.. girl on girl moments. She caught onto the fact that I noticed, and I think she got embarrassed. I even found lesbian porn in her history during a time I was away on a trip. Oops, I know it was none of my business and shouldn't have snooped. Now, she is entirely against watching porn and gets angry if it is ever mentioned. I think it's because she's ashamed or something. I could be wrong, but I let it go.

Here's where it gets interesting. Like a year and a half ago, we were fooling around one drunk evening and she started, i guess, humping me. It kind of threw me off but it got me wildly excited. She was basically pretending to give it to me. This continued for a few months after that. We never spoke about it, but it was a silent desire that we both were excited to do. It eventually evolved into interesting sex positions and even moved into the shower. Finally one night afterward, I brought up the idea of her pegging me. This didn't go well. She was entirely against it and brought up the question if I was gay. I was kind of shocked how she reacted to the proposal. I told her I wasn't attracted to guys, but was attracted to the idea of her wearing a strapon. Essentially the humping stopped and we had vanilla sex for like 6 months. Enough with the details, but eventually the kinkiness slowly worked its way back into the bedroom and we have even taken it further. We basically have homo-erotic sex, and it goes both ways. We do things that are gay on my part, but also things that are 'lesbianish' on her part, toys are involved but there is no anal penetration and I'm okay with that. Some dirty talk suggests she wants to experiment with other girls as well.

Whats weird is that we never speak about it outside of the bedroom. I feel like she's scared to talk about our sexuality. It's like an elephant in the room. We need to have this talk, and lay everything out on the table. We should at least be openly bi with eachother, not necessarily publicly. It could make our relationship even better, even though everything else is absolutely perfect. I kind of don't want to propose until we do have this discussion, because what if we do down the line and it doesn't go smoothly. It could ruin the marriage. Also, do I necessarily tell her about my past? Can I just play it off that I've experimented with these ideas only with her? I know it's a lie, but what if she's in the same boat? Maybe she's experimented with girls before and doesn't want to admit it. Thanks again EC community, I look forward to getting feedback.

 

Thank you kat and Cap for your thoughts. I really do want to tell her the truth but I'm a bit scared she will react poorly like the first time we had this type of talk. Maybe she wasn't ready for it then. I'm sure she would accept that I'm curious, but it doesn't necessarily mean that's what she wants in a husband. Our sex says otherwise. I failed to mention that she is pretty left on the issue. Her best friend from work is a gay male. She goes out to the gay club with her coworkers all the time and is even amused with the drag shows (in a positive way).

I've read that one opinion says anal play doesn't make you bi or gay, which I could totally dig, but I AM attracted to bits...just not all of them, and not what they are attached to. It's a derivative of the anal play itself I suppose. I'm okay with it. I also heard about g/g porn doesn't make her a lesbian. I've pondered on this a while, but after a few years of speculation I think I've came to a conclusion that she's hiding something. Undeniably, she is attracted to men first and for most though. I could be wrong about everything though.

I do hope this pans out to be something positive like you said. Congrats on coming out to your husband. It's great that he accepted it. Straight guys are typically obsessed with lesbians. (I know, we're pigs) I wouldn't doubt it if he did a few fist pumps and some victory sparring as soon as he was out of your sight. I say queer it up, give it a shot and test the boundaries. Just as long as you are within his comfort zone. It depends if he's a jealous type.

 

So we had the big talk the other night. I wasn't expecting it would happen but there was an opportunity to be open with one another, so I took advantage of the moment. I was hoping for weeks if not months to prepare for the conversation, but oh well.

She was a bit surprised by some things about me, but I could tell she was expecting the moment. I told her I wasn't attracted to guys, but that I have a keen fantasy of her wearing a strapon, and am even intrigued with transgender women. The transgender part was hard for her to understand since she sees them as men, but I see differently. She kept saying that it's just a fetish and doesn't necessarily make me bi or gay. No No, I told her, I definitely am attracted to penises, I'm pretty sure I'm bi. Her biggest fear was that I would eventually come to like men and leave her in the future. I knew this was one of the main issues facing women married to gay men. From years of examining my situation and after countless thought experiments, I was able to honestly assure her that this would never happen.

She also had her moment to open up a bit. You were pretty accurate with how she was dealing with all of this. She definitely has a stereotype of gay/straight/bi, and it probably affected the feelings toward her own sexuality. My coming out gave her the courage to admit she explicitly watches girl on girl and even masturbates more than I thought previously. It was hard for her to say, but she is indeed conflicted with attractions toward girls. There is a religious aspect that fills her with guilt and denial. She became emotional while saying this, and I could almost guess that I'm the first person that she has revealed this to.

I was so happy and proud with how well she handled the entire situation that I went out and got her flowers the next day. It has only been a couple days, but it seems like nothing has changed. If anything her level of casual romance (holding hands, snuggling, using the 'L' word, etc) has increased a little bit. It's like a soft reassurance that she still loves me and is here to stay.