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Coming out trans at worst possible time in life...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jak of Hearts, Oct 25, 2015.

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  1. Jak of Hearts

    Jak of Hearts
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    Hey, everyone. So I just joined this website a little while back because although I have always struggled with the idea of wanting to be a woman, I always just repressed the thoughts. Even though I knew what being trans was I just said to myself, "I'll never be able to do something like that, I'll just suck it up and stay the way I am." Recently I've had a change in perspective. I'm getting older (28) and it hit me that my window gets smaller every year. My biggest fear right now is not going through with it and hating myself when I'm older. I've made peace with the fact that I want to transition to a woman, and although telling my friends and family was once an issue, i'm not longer afraid of their reactions either. This is happening at the worst possible time in my life though. I am married (going on 4 years now) and obviously have decided that my wife is the first person I have to tell. We have two young daughters. What I feel makes the decision to come out though is that me and my wife just bought our first house together only a few months ago and I'm afraid she's going to feel trapped now with this huge financial obligation if she decides she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She is also currently pregnant with our 3rd child. Coming out to her while we're pregnant seems selfish and complicated, but I don't know if I can go another 7 months without coming out. Now that I've made the decision everything is snowballing and I don't know if I'll be able to mentally withdraw myself back into my repression even if I wanted to. To make matters even worse, she is having a terrible pregnancy and is basically all but bed ridden (having just extreme nausea and vomiting 24/7). I just want to know if anyone has any advice on the situation? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Has anyone else wanted to or did come out at what may seem like the worst possible time? I'd appreciate your feedback and look forward to being a member of your community here.
     
    #1 Jak of Hearts, Oct 25, 2015
  2. ConsciousRose42

    ConsciousRose42
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    Hi jack of hearts
    I just wanted to say how great it is that you have come to and are at peace with starting to transition - that is wonderful to hear
    Re telling your family it sounds like it is happening
    To you and your choice is getting limited to when you speak
    Out ...
    Honesty is the best way I would say - I live by this Moto
    There will never be an easy time I'm
    Sure as the child will then be a young baby etc
    Your sanity has to come first -
     
    #2 ConsciousRose42, Oct 25, 2015
  3. Aurelia

    Aurelia
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    Part of me wants to really caution you, that you should just know that this could very well mean the end of your marriage. That almost happened to me. I'm extremely lucky (more than I should be) that it didn't.

    The other part of me wants to tell you that you're also in a situation where you've only been in this marriage for 4 years. So you should tell her. If this ends up being the end of it, it's way, way better to go through that agonizing experience now than it would be to wait another 8 or 10 or 12 years. The longer you're together, the more time she'll feel like she's wasted, and the more guilty you'll feel about that; not to mention it being harder for you, too, the longer you wait.

    Of course, I'm being very negative. Sorry for that. I just want you to be aware of the worst possible outcome. It could be that she'll be accepting of you when you tell her, or it could be that it'll be very hard for her at first, but eventually she'll come around and accept you. I really hope and pray that's what happens. But I think you should also know that the worst outcome is possible as well.

    Sorry if I sound like a downer. Jak, I really, really feel for you. I can't even tell you. I really hope this works out for you. I'm pulling for you, girl.
     
    #3 Aurelia, Oct 25, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2015
  4. Jak of Hearts

    Jak of Hearts
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    Aurelia, I don't blame you for the pessimism in your post, the situation is tricky and you are right, I do need to look at the other worse outcomes. Its just hard knowing that if this happened even a few months earlier everything would have been so much less complicated. She is a huge supporter for trans people, but I don't know how she's going to take the situation with it being so close to home now. Am I being selfish for telling her, and putting this burden on us, when she is already going through so much? I wanted to thank you for something else too... This is all obviously very fresh to me still, and when I got to the end of your post I actually broke down into tears, you are the first person that's ever referred to me as girl and it felt so amazing to hear... thank you for that.
     
    #4 Jak of Hearts, Oct 25, 2015
  5. Eveline

    Eveline
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    The one thing that you do have is time and it is important to understand that. Transitioning can take years and it will be really really slow at times. If you still feel lost and afraid, I don't believe that you should come out to your wife yet. When you do come out, she needs to see the real you, not the mask that you've been wearing for so long. I came out to my family when I was still feeling lost and empty, I knew I was a girl, but couldn't really understand or explain why. This ended really badly and they rejected me. I realize now that I made a mistake in coming out before I was truly ready to do so. I came out because I believed that I needed to do so to move forward, that I needed them to accept me. I was afraid of being alone and I thought I needed them to help me cope. I didn't understand at the time that when you come out to people who truly love you, it can be really traumatic for them, they often feel a huge sense of loss and if you are not in a place to help them cope it will end badly. Please understand that your wife has her own journey to go through before she will truly be able to accept you for who you are and you will need to be there for her, to hold her hand and guide her down the rocky path ahead.

    You have time and you need to learn to be patient and accept the fact that you can't rush this, that you need to find a way to start taking small steps forward and become more comfortable with yourself before you are ready to make the larger steps. You took one such step by posting on these forums and by doing so, you started yourself down the path to truly accept yourself and become the person that you are meant to be. For a long time, I believed that I had fully accepted myself for who I am. It turns out that I was wrong. That like everything else that has to do with transitioning, acceptance takes a long time and it comes in stages. As I see it now, acceptance means, knowing that there is no turning back, no fears that you will remain as you are or that if you wait long enough you won't transition. Acceptance means that you understand that you are female, that you have always been female and you will always remain female. You are not male, you have never been male and you will never know how it feels like to be male, how could you? You are female after all. However, beyond everything else, acceptance means that you stop believing that you need to do something to truly become a woman. You already are one and no one can ever take that away from you... (*hug*)

    I am here if you ever need to talk,

    Much love and hugs,

    (*hug*)

    Yael
     
    #5 Eveline, Oct 25, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2015
  6. Jak of Hearts

    Jak of Hearts
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    I do understand what you are saying, but when you say that I have to come to terms with who I am, I feel that is where I am at now. I have been denying who I am to my family and friends for years, but I finally am ready and comfortable with coming out to the world. You say that I have time, but when I've been fighting this battle for so many years, and I am finally hear, waiting another year seems like an eternity (especially, as you said, the process itself can take a few years). Before, I didn't feel like I was being dishonest or hiding anything, because I was still hiding it from myself in a way. Now that I am ready, I feel like I am truly being dishonest. I feel like I'm cheating on her, and the dishonesty is so hard. I do appreciate your advice, however I am just afraid that postponing my coming out for an extended period of time is not going to be a realistic option.
     
    #6 Jak of Hearts, Oct 26, 2015
  7. Eveline

    Eveline
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    I understand and I agree that being dishonest is something that you shouldn't do if at all possible. I know you have to come out soon, all I am saying is to not come out while still hiding behind the mask, when all you can see is the darkness of gender dysphoria. Come out when you feel alive and you see color in the world around you. You are the mother to your children and your partner's wife, that is who you are and will always be, what does that mean to you? How can you show that to her? How do you show her the beauty that lies inside of you that you have been hiding for so long?

    X
     
    #7 Eveline, Oct 26, 2015
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