Feel old for coming out

Wow, I'm 43 and just came out like 3 months ago. I've known for nearly 30 years, just couldn't admit it to myself.

No one will think you're stupid. Some of the kids coming out at puberty nearly might not understand, but there are plenty of us that had to fight with ourselves for years that understand and applaud the efforts you're making to bring resolution to this issue for yourself.

Please keep reading and keep posting. There are plenty of really supportive people here.
Tim

 

The way I see it, one can never be too old to come out, so never fear.

However, no-one is getting younger !

I think that you should stop avoiding talking to your therapist about your sexuality and they will hopefully be able to help you through it.

As Tim said, there are heaps of supportive people here and we will be prepared to listen to you.

 

Hi Miguel and welcome to EC,

There are quite a few of us here that came out in later life (myself included) so you are definitely not alone. From your brief description, it sounds like you’re not really comfortable with your sexual orientation yet. That can be largely be due to how we were brought up, religious and societal prejudices against homosexuality, homophobia in the family, with our friends, and at work, in the media, etc.

Being raised with all the negativism about homosexuality leads to internalized homophobia where we become our own worst enemy. We tend to have a guilty conscience that we are gay and have a hard time accepting that we aren’t like the majority of the population. I think the biggest challenge is to discover your self esteem, to be happy and proud of who you are. That can only happen if you get to know plenty of gay people who allow you to feel comfortable with yourself.

When I first came out about 3 years ago, I had my doubts, sometimes feeling stupid about not discovering my sexual orientation until so late in life . But everyone has been so accepting, friends, family, my boss, and my boyfriend(s). I’ve had some of the happiest moments in my life in these 3 years. EC was also a big help, knowing that there are others in the same boat, whether they are 15 or 45.

Don’t spend too much time looking in the past for all those missed opportunities. Today and tomorrow are what’s really important. 37 is certainly not old when you hit my age. You have a world of great things ahead of you. Find a boyfriend and your whole life will start turning around. Love is the most beautiful thing that can happen to you and your chances of finding it are much better if you are happy with yourself. Good luck and get yourself out of the rut. (*hug*)

 

I think it's totally understandable that you hid your sexuality for so long and there's really nothing wrong with some people taking more time than others.
It's better that you come to terms with it now than lead your whole life in denial. And you will learn from this and maybe be able to help other older people who are in the coming out process in the future.

Speaking from the point of view of a teenager, I think it's very admirable when people like yourselves from the older generations are able to rethink things and accept themselves. What you're doing is not "stupid" at all.

Maybe you should make sure that you change the topic to coming out in therapy, and perhaps set yourself goals for who to come out to and when.

 

hi Miguel, welcome to EC !!
I'm aged 54 now, and wish i had come out at your age! i may not have married, nor met my wife. But life would have been quite different for me. I was not ready to come out at 37, or 47!! But just last year hit a crisis point and told my sister and a few others. I was wondering if i should stay married to my loving wife of 12 years or not. She knows my sexuality.

i would not have married had i come out or accepted my sexuality earlier! that's another story.

So, be open to your therapist, and be true to yourself man! that's my advice. I am going to a therapist too, it really helps me.

regard, Paul

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC.

I came to realize I was gay in my mid 30s, after having been married for 9 years and having 2 children. THAT was difficult, and my therapist became my best friend!!!

What about finding someone else that can relate to your situation as a friend. Someone you can talk to and go to movies with that is also gay, understands you, and to whom being gay isn't even an issue. That's what I did, and it was a great thing!

I actually used an online classified ad site and posted an ad about looking to chat and develop a friendship with other gay dads or people that could relate to my situation. Several people responded - which surprised me - and one of them I'm still friends with almost 2 years later.

Keep working on it. Hang out here in EC. You'll get used to the fact that you're gay, and most of the people you're chatting with here are gay, and that it's OK.

Good luck!

 

Welcome to EC!

I guess my question would be - what do you want? Are you interested in dating guys? Possibly getting a boyfriend? Just hooking up? Getting involved in a "gay scene"? Or don't you know what you want, really?

Judging by your post, it seems you might be having issues that range across your entire personality. If that's the case, then it might be best to just keep working on those. The sexuality can wait until you get a better grip on things. How is your relationship with your brother? Can you talk to him about things?

Lex

 

I think talking with your brother is a great idea. You say he is already out.
How did that go ,for him?
I also think you'd benefit more from your therapy if you were more honest.
I came out young,but I know a few people who either have not come out
or came out later in life.
Remember,we get one chance at life. Isn't being happy what it's all about?

 

We're all just a bunch of insecurities and issues wrapped up in human skin. ALL of us.

Lex

 

Holla Miguel!
I echo the words that my mature brothers and sisters have expressed here - it's never too late to be honest, feel what's in your heart, and accept yourself. I wasn't ready to accept that I'm gay until last year - at age 44. (After being married for 15 years!)

If you don't mind, I'm going to get a little theoretical here. (Apologies if you know this stuff already.) As mentioned above by LorenzG1950, strong familial-social-religious forces begin influencing our behavior at an early age. And those forces are often at odds with the powerful attraction we feel for members of our own sex. (Which, according to Kinsey, can shift around during our lifetimes - another story, though.) So many of us respond to that condition with "internalized homophobia" - a kind of self-loathing to cope with the uncomfortable dualism (living straight/wanting gay) that is reality for closeted people. Some people just can't handle that double life anymore - they choose to come out, be honest, and love the people they know in their hearts they want to love. The question then is, when is your "boiling point?" At what point have you had enough of living a lie.

And, dear Miguel, amigo, it sounds like you've reached your "boiling point." It makes me sad to read that you are losing great parts of your personality. So just take my advice - screw what everybody else thinks about you, it's your life to live - you own it. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and think about what makes you feel the most happy and free. You'll know when it's time to tell others in your life about your true feelings. Until then - it's none of their business!

Remember, labels like "gay" and "straight" are social constructs. You are a unique person with a singular history. Don't feel that you must succumb to societal pressures and be a certain way.

Anyway, I hope that helps. Best wishes, and remember - you are not alone!

 

Yay!!! (!)

That's how I felt when I found EmptyClosets, and that's why I stick around and contribute. I want other people to get the same benefit, feel the same sense of relief and belonging.

Mission accomplished! :eusa_danc

 

I recently came out myself. One thing I worried about was the loss of my straight life. Hell I even went through a morning period for it. I am a pretty straight acting guy. I love tools, I am a do it your selfer, I like beer, I am a gear head. I love pick up trucks and sports cars, in fact I own both. Today I was telling a co-worker that I am thinking of buying a new truck this summer because my current one is just not big enough.

I thought I was going to have to build this whole new gay identity and that everything would have to change. I came out to another close friend today and he said something that struck me. Everyone I have come out to said they had no idea. He told me that on a couple of occasions he has wondered if. It was then that I realized something. I have never had a straight life. I did not become gay when I came out, I have always been gay and thus I have always had a gay life.

Which is great. I love my life it is awesome. Yeah there has been bad crap in the past and it would have been nice to grow up in a more accepting area and family. That is ok, those experiences are part of what made me who I am and brought me to the point where I can come out. Now that I am out the only change is that my life will go from awesome to kick ass.

 

Not that odd.
I feel the same way.

 

My only suggestion is that as you go boldly out into the world to discover yourself, that you don't forget who you are now. One of the things that I realized recently when I came out is that social homophobia goes both ways. Suddenly I was trying to "fit" what gay was. I realized that I'm the same person I just don't kick my ass over every little thing that seems gay. It was like I had been freed and I realized that I had been repressing a lot of stuff, so I decided to try those things. Didn't like em'. Keep your head about you, and if it's uncomfortable emotionally, it's probably not right.

I still fish, I still do martial arts, I still hate pink, and I still love the same movies. Coming out for me was all about being comfortable with who I was, not necessarily getting honest.

So, go find out who you are. But remember the trap of forgetting who you are in favor of what people think gay is. I told them, and then it was like I had to live up to it in my head. Very easy trap to fall into.

 

Miguel,

as you've already found, there's quite a few of us "olders" on here - I'm 34 and struggling day by day to accept who I am... only "out" to a handful of people in real-life, all have so far been accepting... however there are people I know wouldn't be (including people in my family who hold strong, and very traditional religious beliefs)

Anyway, welcome aboard, have fun here, and you'll always find someone to listen to and talk to.

Absolutely, I find the same, this is a place I can just be me...

TM

 

Hello another oldie here as well you are not alone. We are all here to help, i think we all will ahve things ion common that we can be of assistance, hang in there and dont get yourself down, life is too short.

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