I'm confused 4 years ago I started started thinking I might be gay. Straight away I try to forget it because my family made comments like " that's wrong", "there something wrong with gays" and etc then to years later it came back to because when I was watched (adult entertainment if you know what I mean) (aka porn) I kept getting tempted to watch some gay porn. That next half year I try to convince myself that I wasn't gay by making fun of them(which I now regret). I didn't target anyone all I said was things like "that's gay" or "your gay" with my friends. I keep doing that for half a year until I meet someone named Alex (fake name). We both sat next each other in one of my classes. I made all these jokes to him until he said he was gay. Which came as a huge shock because I my family said that " all gays act feminine". After that I had the thought that being wasn't all it was told to me. A couple weeks later I watch gay porn which was amazing until I finshed and the thought of guilt came back into my head. I thought what have I done. I didn't now how to react. I thought I must stay straight because I won't now how my parents react. But within a month the only porn I watch was gay. I started having panic attacks when my parent said " when you going to get a girlfriend " or "I can't wait to have grandchildren". Every time they said something like that the panic attacks got worst. I try my hardest to try and act like the normal old me.( which is always smiles and talks about videos games) but weeks had keep on going on and I found it harder to stay normal old me. It got so bad that a when I was on the school bus I lost it because a girl made a silly joke about me. These kinda things started happening on the bus more but I made sure to pull myself together before my parents were home. Lucky I had 2 month break because I had finshed my GCSEs. But I didn't do much thinking because I gotten a job. I wish I had more time to think. Anyway when I got to college the thought came back into my head that I was gay Because I had more pressure on myself Because I knew these people. With my job I didn't really know anyone. At the being of haft term ( one week off) I sat down I thought about how I'm am. I came to the conclusion that I'm 100% gay because I've never been attached to any girl, I've been watching gay porn only for 1 year and my first crush was a boy. I was finally figured out how I was. It was the because relief I've ever had. But there is one big problem. Everyone thinks of me as that happy straight gamer. But I'm not straight and I don't know how to come out. I will probably be a big shock to most people but I don't want anyone to look at me any different. It's probably because im scared what people think of me. That's why I'm so confused I don't know how to come out to anyone. I read online you should come out first to a friend but I don't think I can do that. I want to come out but I'm scare of what the world thinks of me. I just don't know what to do. I've try coming out to my mum but I can't let her down because see really wants grandchildren and I can't come out to my brother or my dad because there both homophobic. What should I do
Hello, I was reading something in the focus magazine that said gay people might be able to have biological kids together in the future. Also, you have a brother who might be straight so they'll have grandchildren that way. You could always get a boyfriend or ask someone to be your boyfriend for purpose to bring them around and say ''This is my boyfriend'' which answers the question of who you like without mentioning the sexuality. One thing I heard other people doing was to find a computer you know they check for history, go onto a few homosexual related websites and then if they see it then they might know.
Hi there! First off, welcome to EC - you've definitely come to the right place for coming out support, and I think you should stick around. I don't normally post in the Coming Out section (I'm normally found lurking and moderating the other sections) but your story sounded so similar to mine I thought I'd reply! It sounds to me like you're still in what I like to call the "freaking out phase", right? It seems like you've gone out of your way for a long time not to think about your sexuality and if you only came to the realisation at the beginning of this half-term, you haven't had long to process it! My recommendation is to try and be comfortable with yourself before putting too much pressure on yourself to tell others. I thought it was interesting that you said "Everyone thinks of me as that happy straight gamer" because I love games, especially first person shooters and stuff like that. I'm sure you know this already but you can be a happy gay gamer too! You don't have to change your hobbies or attitude once you come out. Some people may expect you to follow a stereotype but the best thing you can do is show them that those stereotypes aren't true, just like your friend showed you that not all gay guys act 'feminine'. As for the family guilt, regarding kids and grandkids and the like - I'm sorry to hear that. I know what that's like, and I'm sure a lot of other people here have had the same experience. The only thing that I can say is that they don't know what you're going through, and are not saying these things deliberately to hurt you. As the poster above says, who knows what could happen in the future regarding kids. I think you have enough guilt to deal with, without taking that on as well! You have nothing to feel guilty about. Coming out to a trusted friend first is easier, or even someone who isn't part of your inner social circle (to limit the 'what if they tell!' fear factor). Are you sure there's no friend that you'd feel comfortable telling first? What about "Alex", is he still around? He would obviously know what it's like! When breaking the ice with a friend, sometimes it's worth subtly asking what they think about LGBT people first. If they seem open-minded, they'll probably be fine when you tell them. I know how scary it is to come out, trust me on that. Everyone here is either in, or has been in the same boat! For me it all seemed so impossible, until one day... it wasn't. I think everyone has a time when they feel 'ready' to come out. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You will be okay! My final advice is stick around here, read the forum and see what advice has worked for other people! You're definitely not alone in how you feel!
