Coming out by letter

Yeah... don't do it. *grin*

Seriously, text is passive-aggressive (especially if it's email). People don't treat text-based correspondence and interaction in a very "normal" way a lot of the time and so things can go south quite quickly. People tend to assume the worst (when they should be assuming the best--quite a good strategy, actually, for dealing with emails that initially piss you off).

If you really feel you have to do it by letter, though, I would suggest the following:

- Use "I" statements. "I feel that..." "I've wanted to tell you that..." "I want us to..."

- Don't try to predict his every possible response and out-argue him on these hypotheticals--you'll go crazy and you'll end up sounding defensive.

- The longer the letter, the more likely you'll sound defensive, so make sure it is only as long as it needs to be to cover the bases.

- Don't mix issues: if you hate him for calling you a sissy when you were 8, your coming out letter is NOT the forum for airing those feelings.

- Don't apologise for your sexual orientation. Do apologise for not being able to find the words to tell him personally.

- Explain why you've chosen to write him rather than tell him in person.

- Explain why you're telling him (hopefully this is because you want to share something important about yourself with him).

- Be honest, be kind, but don't sugarcoat things.

- Use "I" statements.

- Remember to breathe.

- Let him know you love him.

- Let him know that it doesn't have anything to do with him, or your mum, or how you were raised, or your gay uncle/lesbian aunt, etc. (Parents' instinctive reactions are to seek to blame someone or something.)

- Have your letter reviewed by someone supportive whose opinion you trust and be willing to listen to their feedback, both positive and negative.

Best of luck!

 

I came out by letter - mainly because at 19 I was living away from home and only had a weekend with my parents every other month and - mainly because it was ALWAYS difficult to find the 'right time'.

The only thing I would add to the excellent advice that joey has given is to bear in mind the following.

We have had several years of sometimes really hard emotional turmoil in coming to terms with our sexuality, and a big mistake that many young people make is to insist or expect parents/family/friends to accept it overnight once they have been told.

In my letter I told them 'I'm not asking for your approval, nor do I expect you to understand it or to accept it overnight, but I would like you to be happy for me, because I'm happy with the way I am.'

The only thing that strikes me is that it was the first time I'd really stood up to my father and taken a decision away from him....he didn't have the option to disapprove, because I'd not given him the option.

You say your mum already knows. Are your parents still together? Can she help in telling your father - she must know how much it is hurting you?

Hope you sort it out. Keep us informed.

 

yea, i thing that having your mother be involved in this could help a lot. I had always thought that my step dad would freak out, and i asked my mom not to tell him. she did anyways, i guess she knew him well enough to know exactly what he'd say ("I dont want him to ever believe that i wouldn't accept him!"). So i was wrong, but if he didnt accept, i think that a wife could easily help make a dad give in and accept it. She even told him without me around, heck, i didnt even know untill a few days later. at least i didnt have to get worked up about telling him. It could be very helpful to have your mom explain to him that you are distressed and you dont believe he will accept you if you tell him your are gay.

 

from my experience: letters aren't that much of a good thing, they do the job, but it feels better to do it in person. but it can be a good prepartion to first write a "coming out letter" where you collect your thought and what you want to tell this person, afterwards you have a good collection of things to say during your talk ..

 

Going off Corny... why can't you do a combination of both and write the letter, just as you would send it to them, but instead of just letting them read it, you read it to them?

 

Tinker-

Is there any reason that you have to come out to your dad right now, or is something you just feel like you have to do?

I mean, I couldn't even imagine coming out at 16... it took a year of college to come out to myself (years of thinking guys were hot didn't mean I was gay... hahaha :lol: yeah, I was mildly self-delusional) and I've just come out to other people this past year. I know everybody's different but I think, at almost 17, you're already very well aware of who you are, which is great and that you're well ahead of the rest of the gay pack at your age. I just think that all the extra anxiety revolving around coming out to your dad just isn't worth it. But if you do decide to come out to your dad, I think everybody's right; in person is the best way to do it.

And you've already said it, but I just want to repeat it: Parents love their children no matter who they are, what they are, where they are, or who they're with. None of that matters when it comes to the love for ones children. And really, I don't think your dad has any right to be "angry" nor do I think he actually would be... possibly just shocked and perhaps upset, but I don't think he'd get "angry." Angry happens when you crash the car pulling into the garage... :lol:, not when you let your dad know who you are. Anyway, good luck and all the best, always.

-CK

 

That's probably one of the best reasons to come out to a parent, so at least you're starting from a good place.

What did your mum say?