Coming out letter to my best mate. Advice/opinions appreciated

For context I am currently travelling overseas with my best friend. I am going home earlier than him and I plan to give him this letter before I leave for him to read after I'm gone.

To my little brother...

I don't even know where to start or how to say this. There have been so many times over the past few weeks I have wanted to tell you this but I am too much of a coward and too scared of what you might think to actually admit it. All I know is that I can't keep going on keeping this secret and I have to tell you no matter the consequences. I don't want to sound dramatic or make a big deal out of it, so I am just going to tell you the truth and tell you everything...

Basically what I am getting at is that over the past few months I have finally come to the conclusion that for all intents and purposes I am gay. I don't know whether this will come as a huge shock to you or whether you might have suspected already. I have become so paranoid and ridden with anxiety that I can't tell anymore. Half the time I think everyone is onto me and the rest of the time I think no one has a clue.

On my birthday this year I had an epiphany I guess. I was in bed and thinking about where I was in life and how old I was getting and I finally realised I couldn't keep denying what I knew deep down was true. I lay there and cried for hours and hours because I didn't want it to be true. All I could think about was my family and friends and what they would think and what they would say if they found out. I am so scared of losing everyone I care about. I am so lucky to have such close family and friends that mean the world to me. I can say unashamedly that you are my best friend and I love you more than anything. I've never been able to say I had a best friend until I met you. You were the first person to actually appreciate me for who I was without me trying to impress them or being who I thought they wanted me to be.

That's what has made accepting this fact about me so difficult. It seems like the moment I finally have everything I have always wanted this rears it's head and is going to destroy everything. I have spoken to you a lot about my anxiety issues but for the past few months it has literally been eating me alive. I have been so distracted and spaced out because it's all I can think about. Wondering if anyone is onto me and trying to put on an act. The rest of the time is spent imagining what happens when I do finally tell those I care about. I just imagine everyone leaving me and it breaks my heart.

After I had the operation on my nose I was feeling really down from the anaesthetic and feeling very sick and depressed. I spent the majority of the two weeks afterwards in bed alone with my thoughts and they went to a very dark place. I spent most of my time crying and thinking about taking my own life. I went and filled two repeat prescriptions for the painkillers I was given long story short I ended up taking the entire 2 packets at once. It didn't take long before I realised what i was doing and threw them up again but that incident really scared me. I knew that I didn't really want to end everything but I also knew that I couldn't continue keeping all this to myself anymore.

I thought coming over here would be a nice relief and my anxiety would go away and I wouldn't have to worry about it until I went home again. I don't know if you have noticed or not but some days I am not myself and I feel like I'm not even here. I feel like I'm a thousand miles away inside my own head. Being able to be on this trip with you is one of the best experiences of my life but it also fills me with intense sadness because I feel like this will be the end of everything. I honestly don't know how you're going to react to what I'm telling you. I'm worried you will think that I've been creeping on you or into you. I promise I don't see you like that. I know that everything is going to change from here. I know things can't stay the same as they are now but I can only hope that you still want to be my friend. I'm still the same person I always have been. I just wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was normal and didn't have this burden hanging over me. I don't want to be gay. If I could change it I would, but I can't and it's gottenTo the point where it's either tell those I care about and hope they accept me or me not being around anymore.

By the time you read this I'll already be on my way home. You don't have to respond or do anything if you don't want to. You're the only person I have told. The only thing I ask is please don't tell anyone else. I'll be getting around to that in the next few weeks. Hopefully we can catch up and talk about it in person when you get home.

Love you brother,

(My name)

 

I had some really good responses and advice posted on here before everything got deleted and I'm really dissapointed it's gone. If anyone who did post sees this could they please reply again.