Only 5 close friends know about my sexuality and they're all accepting. The thing is, I'm finding it so hard to come out to anyone else now. I still haven't even fully accepted myself. I sometimes start to feel like maybe something IS wrong with me and I'm always having to hear homophobic remarks. I'm also very insecure and self-conscious. My momma and stepdad are two people I really wanna tell, but just can't. Stepdad is homophobic and my momma, well, she's one of them I-like-gay-people-but-my-kids-better-not-ever-be-gay types. I know she'd probably make a big deal. I'm 20, in community college, working two jobs now, still living at home, and I'm so miserable. There's even this nice, really sweet, funny girl in my class and she always calls me handsome and gorgeous, stuff like that. She obviously likes me. Problem is, I don't like girls like that. I wish I did, but I don't. I mean wanna tell her that I'm into dudes but I can't. For some reason, I just can't tell nobody else. There's this dude in the same class and I get a vibe that he may be gay too, I sometimes catch him staring at me, but I won't talk to him because I just simply don't want anybody knowing, in fear my business will somehow get back to my town and eventually to my parents and I'd have that to deal with that. I know they wouldn't kick me out but it's just the awkwardness. We have a great relationship but there's a lot I do not tell them. I'm the oldest and I feel like I wouldn't be a good role my model to my little brother because I like men. I'm not feminine at all. I hate being in the closet.. I feel like my depression is getting worse because of it. I feel like if I came out, everything would start to get better, but it's so hard. I get anxiety from thinking about it. I feel like I'm gonna always be alone because I still cannot get over that I'm like this and can't be true to myself. Everybody thinks or assumes I'm straight when I know I'm not. I wish that I was though. I've been miserable for a while now and I'm tired of it but I don't know what I should do. It's hard for me to do anymore coming out.
Step 1: just talk to him! 2 dude's talking to each other is perfectly normal. Step 2: coming on! Do it only when its right for you. Step 3: live your life with the intention of being happy.
I wont lie, i cried a little reading this. (And i never cry about anything.) First and most importantly: You. Are. Perfect. The. Way. You. Are. Never, ever doubt that. Homophobia as never going to change. It will not go away until someone makes the effort to eradicate it at the source. If you hear homophobic remarks, call out those who make them. They wont realize how much they're hurting someone until its made known. Family; they're family. Parents will make going to buy a coffee awkward somehow, its best just ignore it and focus on those who embrace who you are. Don't ever doubt your ability do be a role model for your younger brother. By coming out of the closet, you will teach him something few people ever can; bravery, individuality, and willingness to be who YOU want to be. He, and others will admire your courage for doing this, since its well known that few people can. True friends will be 100% okay with you being who you truly are. Most of mine were hurt that i was afraid of them. By staying closeted, I wasn't just doing myself a disservice, but i was also severing trust between us. Telling them will repair it, and strengthen it for the future. As for your admirer, use humor! I have girls chasing after me all the time, and if they try to make a move: "sorry, I like guys!" and then, some of those admirers have become my closest friends. Your crush is a but more of a tough challenge. The only person who can confirm his orientation is him, and perhaps by coming out of the closet yourself, you can inspire him to do the same if he's in that predicament. Don't worry about acting straight but being gay. Im the same way, only one gay stereotype matches me; and that's drama. I have no fashion sense, no interest in pop music/culture, my hair is always a mess, and i don't have that sort of feminine sound to my voice. xD theres a reason the pride flag is a rainbow; and thats because gays come in many different personalities, interests and backgrounds. Be true to yourself and others, once you are, you will see a drastic improvement in your life. My life was a miserable shithole (excuse the language) for years 3 until i told my friends and family the truth. Start small with a close friend, then progress to family when you're ready. Good luck! And let me know if there was a detail i overlooked in my advice! After being shown so much support by EC in the past, its my turn to give back!
Hey, you sound very similar to me honestly. I've denied the fact I was gay the moment I realized it. Recently though, I have realized I should not sacrifice my happiness for other people. Why should I be miserable because other people will not be happy with the way I am? You do not want to be the guy who marries a girl when you never had feelings for her - I've considered that being my future, but that would not be fair to the girl or myself. We have very similar cases. People think I'm straight. Girls flirt with me and tell me I'm cute (even though I don't see it - haha). Anyways, there was some purpose for you being gay or bisexual or whatever you associate yourself with. You are still a man. You can still watch football. You can still hang out with your guy friends and drink a beer. I'm finally starting to realize sexuality should not define me as any less of a man than a straight guy. Trust me, there are more people like you in this world than you think. Like I said, I denied my sexuality for years and hated myself. I hope for the best for you and hope you can realize being gay is not a bad thing. You can always post on my wall if you have any questions. Best of luck! And just talk to the guy - there is no harm in talking. He will not know you are gay from just talking to him. The first step to a relationship is a friendship; maybe you'll get lucky and he will be gay.
