Hi everyone, I'm in my first year of uni and I'm really struggling. I'm a closeted, straight acting 19 year old. It's only in the past year or so that I've finally started to accept to myself that I am gay and I wasn't prepared for how isolating it would be, especially since starting university. I want to come out but at the same time it feels unnecessary until I'm in a relationship but at the same time I have no idea how to meet gay guys unless I'm openly gay myself. It feels like a bit of a viscous circle. I realise that I can come out whenever I want but there seems to be so much holding me back! All my closest friends are boys and although I know they won't care, I'm worried that they may see my in a different way and treat me slightly differently than before. The last thing I want is my best friend of 8 years to start feeling awkward around me. I'm just really conscious that I don't come across gay so it feels like when I finally do come out it'll be more of a shock. I also don't have the slightest clue how I should come out if I do, like who I should tell first or whether I should tell it to their face or in a letter or something or whether I should tell everyone all at once. If anyone has any advice on any of this it would be super greatly appreciated! Thankyou!!
Hi, welcome to EC. It's good that you know your friends won't care. You have good friends. If you come out to them things may be a little different at first, friends can be a little wary about bringing up the subject or joking with you and might look for your lead. I'm confident they won't treat you differently after the initial adjustment period. In terms of coming out, it really depends what you are most comfortable with. Some people like to force the issue and bring up the subject or write a message. Others like to wait until a conversation heads down a path where an opportunity arises. Generally, most people suggest coming out to close friends first and family later. However, if you are very close with your family and feel they would be fine with it then that doesn't have to be the case. You should come out first to the people you are most comfortable with when talking about yourself and your emotions. Do you have anyone who you think can feel comfortable with?
His advice is right on point, but there's a few bits i feel i can add. Close friends are the easiest to tell, but fellow members of the LGBT+ community, are even better. Even if you don't know the person too well, seek out a fellow gay or lesbian you know, tell them how lost you feel and how you need someone who can relate and understand. I came out to my lesbian friends first, so i could get the positive and supporting reaction i needed to gather the strength to come out to others. Coming out to the first person is always the hardest, so its key to tell someone who you know will comfort you if you're feeling down.
