Hello everyone just thought I would share a little but of backstory. So I am 20 years old and am currently taking a semester off of school and working right now. I will be continuing my studies in January. The reason I am not currently enrolled and switching universities was that I was scared to death of being gay. I was in a fraternity and that is basically the straightest most homophobic place a person could be at least at my former school. Anyway long story short after a nervous breakdown of sorts and some therapy I have finally come to terms and at least accepted that I am gay. My struggle now is that I am home working and have very few friends that I see on a regular basis being that they are back in school. I have my parents who probably have some inkling of what is going on because we had a meeting with my therapist where we had discussed that I was struggling with same sex attraction. Anyway so they definitely have a clue but I am terrified of taking the next step. What I am struggling with now is how to approach the issue with them fully. Really tackle it head on. Also what to do about my friends. They don't seem like they would be accepting but who knows some have at least shown sensitivity to some lgbt people so maybe it will go okay, besides most of them are going to the university I previously attended, and I will be going to a different one in my hometown in the spring. I guess I'm really just worried about taking that next step. On a side note I am going on a ski trip with a bunch of these friends in about a month if I can build up the courage I may come out to one or two of them there if the time feels right. Thanks for reading.
Telling someone that you are gay for the first time is very scary. But as I started to tell more and more people I felt freer within my self, I could finally relax when I was with other people. The standard rule about coming out applies: Only come out when it's right for you and to someone you feel comfortable with. I hope it goes well for you. (*hug*)
I feel your pain. I may be five years younger, but we're no so different in our scenarios. The only difference is that I've found the courage to take that step, and open up to people. If possible, try to mimic my steps, but I'll include an alternate course of action just in case. 1. Start small. Not everyone needs/wants to know right away. I first came out to 3 close friends, 2 of them bisexual, and one of them lesbian. Finding someone who can relate to you, and show you love and support for that one first time is key, and what better way to seek it out than to touch base with fellow members of the LGBT community. Alternative 1. If you don't know any LGBT+ friends, then best start with whomever you've known the longest/feel the most comfortable around. All of my straight friends showed some form of homophobic prejudice, but once I opened up to them, the prejudice ceased, and I saw a compassionate side of them I never thought existed. But once again, baby steps; telling one person at a time in a neutral space, like a gym or restaurant works best. 2. Parents and family. Every gay teen and adult fears how their parents will take the news. If your parents already know you're struggling, then your orientation won't come as a surprise to them, but that doesn't make saying the words any easier, I know. You know your parents better than I do, but I know southern state families tend to be one of two things for a LGBT+ teen or adult, the worst of enemies, or the strongest of allies. My gut tells me that your parents are the latter. If they didnt already try to change you, then they'll accept you if you just open up. Again; same as alternative one: tell them in a calm neutral space where you can leave if shit hits the fan, but at the same time, nobody feels pressured to react one way or another. Alternative 2. Let's say your parents have the stereotypical southern views on homosexuality. (It's a sin, you can make it go away, blah blah blah, false, wrong, fake...) There's still a benefit to telling them the truth. By knowing how they'll truly react, you may realize how they impact your life for the worse. A phrase my family commonly uses is "at 20 years old, you're a grown ass man, whatever you believe, we're in no position to change you." You are an adult, if they aren't willing to accept you, then find allies in friends and non-immediate family. They can help soften the blow, and provide support if you need it. 3. Your ski trip. I don't know how many of your fiends are going, but if you do chose to come out there, pull them aside one at a time to tell them. Telling them all at once could influence their reactions if they're in the presence of others. Let them chose their own morals to respond with, by telling each of them one at a time. Alternative 3. If you chose to come out to them in a group. One word; DON'T. There's a time and a place to tell each of them, and it will never be together as a whole. I came out to a group of friends once, and it was the worst experience I had. Several of them called me faggot to try and "act cool," but one stood up for me and called them out on that. The apology flood was entrataining, but if I could've done it any other way, I would. General advice: only do this when you're ready. Picking the right person to tell first is key. And don't be too over dramatic. This may be about you, but consider their end of the spectrum too. It will take time for them to process, and a good reaction may not come right away, but if you're truly friends/family, it will. Whew, what a list. I hope this turns out to be helpful, and please, let us know how it goes! Good results are always great to hear, and if anything goes wrong, I'm always willing to lend my aid, and (somehow thorough) experience. Good luck, and remember: it ALWAYS gets better!
Do you have any friends who are LGBT? I would probably start with them. Tell people you are virtually certain will support you and let you hear "That's wonderful, it's okay to be gay, I love you and support you," a few times. There really isn't a better feeling than that: having someone tell you they love you for who you are. The difficult thing is right now in your early 20s you're still going through growing pains as far as carving out an identity for yourself. It may take a lot of energy and resolve to begin coming out to others, but you'll feel A LOT better once you do. Does your school have a gay-straight alliance or any LGBT clubs? If you go, I would simply state you're questioning. You don't even have to admit to being gay. But this way, you can begin to meet other LGBT people and build a network of support. Once I started to meet other gay people, coming out became easier because not only did I know I had others who had been there in my corner, but I could share in their experiences and learn from them. Best of luck, keep us informed of how it goes. Feel free to write me on my wall if you'd like to chat more.
