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Suicide: Have you ever had the thoughts and/or actions?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Greggers, Jan 17, 2009.

  1. Greggers

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    So i have not seen this topic addressed *too* much since ive joined, but its something really close to my heart. I have been wondering how many people out there in the world of EC have had Suicidal Thoughts, or even taking it one step further with Suicidal Actions? Only answer whatever if comfortable to you. Im just looking to see how bad mine were compared to others, who shares the same feelings, ect. ect.

    With the Suicidal Thoughts:
    - What were they?
    - How strong were they?
    - When did they occur?
    - How long did they last?
    - How many times have you got them?
    - What did you do about them?
    - Who did you tell?
    - Ect.

    With the Suicidal Actions:
    - What were they?
    - How far did you take it?
    - When did they occur?
    - Did you have thoughts long before?
    - Who did you tell?
    - Ect.

    So here is my personal story.

    So if you have read anything about me, it most likely included something about how religous and conservative the town i live in is. Basically, i was going to a Conservative Christian School that was 98% white people, over 50% of those Dutch families that have been going to the school since the 60's. Its very old fashioned to say the least. I knew i was gay the entire time i went, and it sucked. I wish i was just confused, but i knew i was not straight. The teachers would tell us gay people were bad people, the material we learned would re-enforce this. Mandatory bible class was hell. PE class was a guy / girl split and if you were not athletic in the guy only PE you were instantly picked on. It was like painting a big red X on your forehead for bullies. Through out the entire experience i was always depressed, but it had its lows. It seemed like at least once a month i would contemplate just ending it all. I would ponder what the least painful way to kill myself would be. They were mostly just thoughts, and the fact it would be painful generally was enough to stop me. At my all time low however, i would sit in my bed with a pair of scissors in my hand crying for hours and hours deep into the night. I didnt do anything with them, thankfully, but i wanted so badly to just cut myself. I hated who i was so much that for some reason i felt cutting myself would make me feel better. It was the enviorment i was raised in that was causing it, and this was VERY apparent. As soon as i got out of highschool things were alot different. My university was an hour from home, but it seemed like a different planet all together. Rainbow flags graced the halls, guys in skinny jeans with makeup on were not an un-common site. Posters of guys kissing guys could be found. Girl only dances were being held. Its nothing like my horrible Highschool, and if i had of known places like that existed so close to were i live it would have helped me get through the hard times.

    Sorry if that story is more about "rawr my life sucks" than the topic i started with, heh. I do want people to get something out of the story however. The moral of my story is basically this:

    "If your life seems to have taken a turn into an endless tunnel and you cant see an exit, just know that no tunnel can go on forever. There is life outside the tunnel and any moment you could take a turn back into the light. Hold on, even if it is only for hope of something better."

    Yea, so i hope this can be a good place for people to get out some feelings that are sometimes hard to share. We can hug, cry, and cheer eachother on because thats what the site is all about! :slight_smile:

    - Greg
     
  2. Ive never wanted to die thankfully but I used to cut a lot. I still do on occasion.
     
  3. BitterEdge

    BitterEdge Guest

    I never have had suicidal thoughts....I would have talked to someone had I....people know me about being an open person, sometimes a little too open.

    If anyone is thinking it though seek attention right away please!
     
  4. Swamp56

    Swamp56 Guest

    I've had those thoughts due to bipolar...they're horrible.
     
  5. biisme

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    I've had some suicidal thoughts before, but never more than little bits. I'm terrified of death, so I could never do that. I have wondered the easiest/least painful/hadest to reverse and stuff like that. I get them on and off, never serious. Just wonderings. I didn't tell anyone.

    And, as everyone else said, if you are thinking about suicide, please tell someone.
     
  6. Bunny

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    Yeah.

    Just. Wonder sometimes how much they'd miss me, what would be the point of going on. Couldn't do it though. I know I could enjoy life if it weren't for the depression.
     
  7. ArcaneVerse

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    I think everyone thinks about the notion of suicide at least once and its hard to write about suicide without it sounding casual and minor in severity but here we go anyways.

    I believe i started thinking about suicide just after my first year in high school, my depression and anxiety set in then as well as puberty wreaking havoc on my body and mind and i ended up dropping out of school because i couldn't handle everything also my parents weren't exactly happy about that and other things so home life was tense and filled with fights.
    All that and my constant struggle and questioning of my own sexuality took its toll and i wanted to end it, to stop feeling everything but its not in me to do it as much as i long for a harmony that i fail to find and achieve here, i just don't have it in me to end it. I did however start cutting which seemed at the time to help but even that stopped working. Now it crosses my mind every now and then but Ive resigned to just existing not quite living but not dead either, when i get really depressed i have to fight to not cut again.

    So that's it i guess, i left some more personal things out but you get the general picture, i don't have any words of hope or wisdom to go with this, no phrases about "suicide isn't the answer" because i don't believe it. anyways i hope this is want you were wanting.
     
  8. singtoh1

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    I do alot of the time especially at home. I just feel so much hatred towards everything myself included. I've pretty much been like this since forever. I just try to distract myself with anything and everything.
     
  9. RaRa

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    Never thought about it, and never will. I wouldn't kill myself even as a last resort.
     
  10. Lychee

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    I have depression and quite often have suicidal thoughts. My mum knows, and I used to get sent to a psychiatrist once a week. But I absolutely hated her, because she was a child psychiatrist used to dealing with kids who have developmental problems and the way that she spoke was extremely simplistic. Frankly, I didn't like discussing my inner-most feelings with someone who was like "so, have you had any BAD thoughts," "so you went to a party on the weekend? That must have been lots of fun. I bet you've got lots of friends!" and worst of all "Why are you upset about getting a B+? That's silly. A B+ is a GOOD grade."

    I was like thinking the whole time, "Shut up, shut up, shut up. I'm 16." And also, if someone can't understand the way that I feel about my grades, and my perfectionism with my studies, then they've missed one of the major things about me.

    So, yeah, I'm currently not seeing anyone, and I'm quite happy, most of the times.

    Basically, whenever I get really depressed, I start thinking about what the whole point of life is, and why I bother living when life isn't going the way I want it too. I just wonder about why I live through all the pain, when in the end, I'm going to be dead anyway, so why can't I just... 'speed up' the process. (sorry for sounding morbid)

    I've never cut, because I don't see the point in hurting myself if I'm going to stay alive. For me, it's all or nothing. That being said, I don't plan on committing suicide, because I can't bare to do something like that to all my friends. I know how much it hurts when a loved one commits suicide, and how much it can f**k up your life and therefore, I could never do it, but it doesn't stop me from wishing that perhaps a fridge would fall on top of me while I was walking down the street or something. Something that would kill me, without leaving people wondering "What could I have said for this to have a different outcome?"

    The first time I was ever suicidal was when I was 12, when my dog got killed in front of me (hit in the face by a cricket bat, by my best friend.) I got the dog when my dad died, and so I felt that there was no other option. But my mum took time off work, and didn't leave me alone for the next few weeks, until I got another dog. It still makes me incredibly sad to think about Ellee (the first dog) but I've got better. I'm just really REALLY scared of how I'll cope if anything ever happened to Roxi (my new dog).

    Sorry about the length and the tone of this post, but I guess, with the topic of suicide at hand, there really isn't a 'right way' in order to approach it.
     
  11. Markio

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    I had bad skin as a freshman in high school due to nickel allergy and metal braces. I was put on Accutane, which as a side effect causes depression and occasional suicidal thoughts. I think I was mostly depressed just because I had bad skin, and at times during PE class I would imagine faking a suicide so that people wouldn't pick on me, even though I'm sure I was just very sensitive to things people said as harmless jokes.

    Over time my skin has improved and I'm not on any medications and I'm in a more liberal/accepting environment that has made it easier for me to come out more comfortably. As well as be less depressed.
     
  12. Wander

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    Okay, I've never actually considered killing myself (I'm way too curious to intentionally stop myself from seeing what happens next), but I've had thoughts about what it might be like to kill myself or what life would be like after I'm gone. So I'll try and answer the best I can...

    Thoughts:
    - What were they?
    "I wonder how people would react if I killed myself? Which ones would think I was a coward, and which ones would really miss me? Would I go for something really quiet and easy, or try to make a really huge and messy scene out of it?"

    - How strong were they?
    Depended on the moment, but never strong enough to make me really consider doing it.

    - When did they occur?
    Whenever I get really bored and have nothing better to think about.

    - How long did they last?
    Until something more interesting comes along. Can take awhile.

    - How many times have you got them?
    It's on my list of regulars, at least.

    - What did you do about them?
    Keep right on going, I know I'm not actually going to kill myself any time soon.

    - Who did you tell?
    No one, if I did they would probably panic and send me to REAL therapy or put me on alert watch or something. I don't need that.

    Never had any suicidal actions, so I don't really think I need to type about that.
     
  13. RENThead

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    i dont think i would say ive had suicidal thoughts.. ive never thought about killing myself. but ive thought about dying.
    i planned my funeral. (at that time, i had a list of who i wanted there, and what songs and stuff)

    i used to cut myself...
    it started when i had a seizure and fell onto a glass, (ended up with glass cuts all over me) i loved the blood, and the scars felt good.
    i kept doing it after that until mum found the scars on my leg.
     
  14. Tim

    Tim
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    Not going into too much detail about how or such... However, one thing needs to be explained. I'm not a spontaneous person, everything I do, I think about for at least a few seconds before I do it, thinking of all the outcomes. Everything I do is planned, however, sometimes I'm not able to control said plans that go on in my head, but I am able to stop them before they finish.

    Actions:

    - How strong were they?


    Pretty strong, it got the point I didn't even want to breathe because I didn't want to be here anymore... I would see certain things and know how I could do it, and start contemplating doing it.

    - When did they occur?

    Past few months... but it's getting better. Everyday, I wake up with more self confidence (for no reason, it's kind've weird), and just a generally nicer look on life.

    - What did you do about them?

    I moved everything that could possibly be used to carry out the plans away from me. My room has nothing that could be used, nor does the computer area.

    - Who did you tell?

    The only people I've told are EC and my mom, who shrugged it off and told me my sister attempted to OD a while back, so she could care less, which actually made me feel worse...

    On a side note: I never had thoughts of this before, in fact, I was one of those people who said I would never consider it, and never do it, but... something changed, I don't know what.
     
  15. TheRoof

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    i did have some thoughts
    but i dont have guts to actually cut myself -_-
    but yea sometimes i would think about overdosing myself
    with medication or something-which i never did but whatever.
     
  16. interstella

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    I have had VERY strong suicidal thoughts, and I still do sometimes. I am seeing a therapist atm and that's helping :slight_smile:

    There was one time last year when I was very close to suicide. I haven't told anyone about that until now.
     
  17. Fiorino

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    I went through depression, and I contemplated suicide a lot, but I thought
    of the people who I'd hurt, and I couldn't do it.

    I'm happy to say that life does get A LOT better-there are some
    AMAZING times I'm glad I didn't miss out on.
     
  18. Ralphtruco

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    i have been depressed but i dont think that taking the easy way and ending it all is the way to go, no matter what... one must always face the problem face to face and not runing away from it...
    just my opinion xD
     
  19. BlakeHarmony

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    I've never wanted to kill myself and I can't see myself ever thinking about it but I do wonder how it would feel to die and right before, knowing that you were going to die. It sounds weird when I say it, but it makes more sense in my head...
     
  20. Lexington

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    I thought about it some when I was 15 or so, but didn't go anywhere past occasional generic suicidal fantasies, which mainly involved "and then everybody will be sorry" feelings...

    Lex