I'm struggling with the fact that a conventional label may not work for me, and I've been struggling with that for several years now. I've identified myself as bisexual for some time now, and have come out to my sister, my therapist, my ex, and my roommates. I've gone back and forth between whether I'm bi or a lesbian, though, and after three years of torture, I still don't know. So here's the situation: I have had so many crushes on guys. So many. My current obsession is BORNS, but here's the thing about him: he's so feminine. He's got long hair a skinny build, a great sense of style, a high voice...he's not exactly the picture of "manliness". This is a trend for me, though - this is my type. Effeminate, androgynous. I've always had a thing for long hair and soft faces. I've always been attracted to girls, but I didn't allow myself to acknowledge it until the ripe old age of eighteen. I've always been so sexually attracted to women's bodies, and for some reason, I never gave any thought to it. I guess I was ashamed, but as soon as any bit of same-sex attraction entered my brain, I pounded it back into the ground. That was NOT going to exist in my brain. It did, though, and I always caught myself staring. I've always been extremely sexually restricted - that's partially due to my upbringing and partially to my anxiety, which is off the charts. We don't need to go into the specifics of my attractions going up...let's just say I loved boobs. I very much loved boobs. I have had a boyfriend, who I was very attached to - we kissed, had sex, were attracted to each other, etcetera etcetera. However, I question our relationship now, as I did when it was happening, in the back of my mind. I was attracted to him - extremely. I never got over how beautiful he was, and the fact that such a beautiful person was in love with me. It was the sex. It didn't do anything for me. I orgasmed once, when he used his hands. Otherwise, I faked and waited for it to be over. Maybe it was just technique, or maybe I wasn't into it. At this point, I'm less grossed out by dicks than I used to be, but I still don't really like them, per se. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a girlfriend. Almost 100% of the time, when I get attention from guys, I have a visceral sort of reaction to it. I don't like it. It scares me. It makes me uncomfortable. I immediately put up a wall and am not interested at all. Maybe I'm scared because I have a history of stalking and harassment by men. Or maybe I just don't like their sexual attention. She doesn't want the D. She's never really wanted the D. I never drooled over abs - my friends did, and I nodded along. I faked all of that. I really had no reaction. Maybe they had beautiful faces, or beautiful, long hair. That gave me butterflies. But the bodies didn't. I said "meh" to skinny boys, "meh" to fat boys, and "meh" to muscular boys. I always pictured myself with my future love, a man. He was faceless, nameless, and generally ambiguous. I would picture us having sex, him on top of me, all into it, and me on the bottom, just kind of looking off to the side, feeling nothing. I'd have lesbian sex all day long, and it would be magical and transcendent and the butterflies I'm feeling right now would be even more real. I've never been with a girl, but this is how I imagine it. I remember once having a conversation with my best friend, and suddenly being overcome with an overwhelming urge to kiss her. That scared me. What if you had acted on that? You have GOT to be more careful. I’m attracted to boys, more often than is negligible, and that feels totally natural. But the sex piece, though. Ugh. I run the same facts in my mind over and over, as I have for a few years now, and it never is conclusive. Not completely. So with all this business, I have a hard time calling myself either a lesbian or bisexual. Both feel not quite right. I'm attracted to males and females, but differently. I can't be both at the same time, but I don't know that I could say I'm a biromantic lesbian either, because my pull to beautiful men is still so strong it almost feels sexual, even if the reality of the sex isn't appealing to me. Somebody help. I'm in crisis. Here's the thing. If I fell in love with a girl and spent the rest of my life with her, I'd never look back. It would feel so right. I dream about being intimate with a girl kind of a lot, and I always like it. If it were a boy, I'd always have a nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right. The intimacy piece just wouldn't quite work. I don't think I really like straight sex. It felt kinda good sometimes but that's not what sex is supposed to be. I don't doubt that I could be intensely attracted to a man - it's happened over and over before, and it will happen over and over again. It will always feel, though, not quite right. So that is my long-winded cry for help - any input? This is less coherent than I was hoping it would be, but such is the situation.
I get your scenario, I don't exactly fit into the typical gay male label either. The great thing about the LGBT+ world is flexibility. The pride flags itself stands for the fact that Gays, Bisexuals, Leabians, etc. come in many different forms and personalities. I can't tell you what you are, only you can do that. But one thing you can ask yourself is this; "can I see myself in a romantic relationship/married to a man/woman for the rest of my life, and be happy?" If you say yes to both men and women, then it's likely that you're bi with a preference of women. But if you say no to men and yes to women, then you're likely lesbian. Judging from your story, I'd say lesbian is the more likely option. But being a lesbian doesn't mean you can't find men sexually attractive. My first (and last) girlfriend was the nerdy-gamer type. I found her very attractive, and adored her personality and interests. But we just didn't progress anywhere. Every time I imagined sex, I thought "no, that's just not for me." Point being, if you're confident you can be romantically and sexually attracted to both sexes, then I'd say you're bi with a preference of women, and it would take a truly amazing guy to satisfy you the way women do. If you can't see yourself involved with a guy romantically and sexually as your partner, then perhaps lesbian is the path for you. But don't think that means you can't see men as attractive. (Personally I think you may find some men attractive because they emulate the traits of women, only because I've been in a similar scenario and realized it over time.) Think this through, as this could define who you'll define as your significant other (and perhaps lifelong partner.)
