I am someone who has denied my sexuality for years. After first realizing my attractions in about sixth grade, I tried to not believe it all. I thought - Maybe it's just a phase? Maybe I'm bisexual? Maybe this is just a dream? I went through most of my life denying it, still believing I would marry a woman someday and live the stereotypical American life. However, reality sunk in and I realized I would not be happy with that lifestyle. At about 17 years old, I accepted I was at least bisexual. Soon after, I accepted I am gay. It is something I still question sometimes and wonder "Why me?" But in another sense, I believe there is some purpose for me being this way. Being "in the closet" has been hard since I realized I was not straight. Not being able to talk to other men, or people in general, about the situation has been hard. But I am finally accepting myself and plan to come out to my family in summer - as I feel that is the best and most appropriate time; their opinions mean the world to me. However, before doing that, I wanted to tell a close friend and let her know. This past Sunday, I came out to her. As someone who does not cry much at all (and especially hates doing it in front of people), I couldn't help but cry a little after saying the words, "I'm gay." Two days later and I still cannot believe I said those words in person. I came out to one friend previously (kind of regret it; but I did it because I was really depressed at the time and needed to tell someone; however, I told her I was bisexual). Just saying those words kind of shocked me because I never said it to anyone. I've said I was bisexual through text messaging [to that one friend], but it didn't have the same effect. Saying the words in person felt much different... weird, honestly. However, coming to terms and accepting my sexuality is a nice feeing. I'm excited to not lie anymore and to actually pursue relationships for once in my life. Has anyone else experienced a weird feeling or difficulty saying the words, "I'm gay"? I never imagined it being so weird to say, but I guess part of the reason is I have been hiding it for so long. Looking forward to the future and thanks in advance for any responses.
Yes, I think I have some sort of shame attached to it, and my own difficulty in accepting it, and even the feeling that I am not genuine in others' eyes. It is not easy, and as we meet new people, we say those words many times in our lives, and in many different ways, come out.
Oh God, yes. Two very short words and I nearly choked saying them the first few times. The only thing I can say is that it does get easier for most people. The more you come out the more you accept yourself, and the more you accept yourself, the more you come out. Eventually, the words flow out with relative ease. Did it feel weird afterwards? I wouldn't say weird, but it felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted a little bit and the more you come out the more that weight lifts. I think that's how it is for most people when they come out... not always, but for most people.
I personally have not experienced that... Because I'm not gay, mainly, and because I don't deny my attractions. However, it's perfectly understandable that you do feel this way, and I've heard of lots of other people who've felt the same. Nobody really likes to feel different. Or at least, not in a bad way. If you've grown up in a straight society, then you want to be straight, so that you fit in, right? I deny things too. Everyone does. Maybe not sexuality, but other things about themselves that they find hard to admit or believe. Everyone's going to keep on trying to believe that nothing's different, until the evidence stands up against them. And it's okay. The best thing you can do is accept it. Or, if it's the word "gay" that's weird for you, you could try saying "I like guys" instead. Some people like labels. Others don't. Either way is fine. Try to keep in mind that, as new as this might seem, your sexuality has been with you since you started puberty. You didn't choose this. Therefore, it isn't in your control. You're not different, because you've realized who you are.(yeah that sounds a bit controversy) Now you're just the same as all the other people who are gay. Some guys like guys. Some girls like girls. Some people like both, or neither, or in between, or one over the other, etc. Who you like doesn't define who you are. Best of luck.
