well hiya. so over the last few months ive figured out that im bisexual and im not sure about whether or not to come out. I have a few friends who i think I might be able to safely tell, but for me the big thing is the family, and at the moment it feels like whether my parents accept me or not, both options have pretty bad ramifications... so a few years ago now my sister came out as transgender. she came out to me and i was fine with it, and then she told our mom. she was not fine with it, it was a disaster, she packed a bag and left for a few months and then when she came back we all had it out as a whole family and everyone was heartbroken and no solutions came and we never spoke of it again. my sister has not gone ahead with it and never speaks of it. (i will put in at this point that we both love our mum, and at the time she was already struggling with her preexisting mental health issues and was already in a bad place, and just didn't cope with this on top). but this makes me worry about whether i should come out. because i honestly dont think she would have that big of an issue with me being bisexual. im fairly sure she already thinks that im gay, she outright asked me in a really nice way years ago before i had any inkling. i have had a very long intense obsession with a female singer for years and she occasionally asks me really obvious questions like "her breasts are really nice, dont you think??" and then stare at me like sherlock holmes would. i would be devestated if she didnt accept me, but then if she does, what does that mean for my sister? why is it okay for me to be accepted and be who i want to be but not her?
Hi floraliese, That's a tough one. People have troubles coming out full stop, but your situation probably takes a different angle considering the not so great coming out of your sister. Ultimately, you never know what the reaction will be. I thought my mum was accepting of LGBT issues, but when I tried to come out to her basically all hell broke loose, so I had to stop midway through my speech, and brush it off... In the same way your mum may be hinting and all, but what if she was just teasing or joking or probing all this time? Maybe her reaction won't be so positive. On the other hand, she may be 100% on board, be supportive, and your relationship may get even stronger. Either way, coming out is probably something you will need to do sooner or later, and you probably just need to pick the right time for yourself. If you come out an are accepted, then your sister may feel alienated, but at the same time - you coming out, may potentially improve your mum's attitude towards your sister and she will be accepted as well. Unfortunately there is no way of telling... I really hope it will go well for you, and you sister for that matter! Take care, Mila
thank you for your reply Mila. You're right I think it still is vary variable whether my mom will approve or not. It could go either way, it could go badly or as you say it might even help things with my sister, who knows. And I won't know until I come out. I guess that I mostly feel that me coming out would force all of those past issues to come to the surface, and I don't really feel like its my place to force them to talk about it, especially if my sister is not ready to. But my sister wont talk to anyone about it anymore and I dont think she will be ready anytime soon, which is up to her, I certainly dont want to push her. But I also selfishly dont want to be stuck waiting around forever for them to deal with that, not able to be myself...
There are some parents who accept their children unconditionally, there are some parents who will easily accept some things, but not others and then there are parents who want their kids to be a mirror image of themselves. It sounds like your mum might be prepared to accept some things, but not others. So, it's entirely possible that your mum will accept your sexuality in a way that she was unable to accept your sisters gender identity. Although the coming out process is very much the same, the wider implications are not (at least from your mum's perspective). In your case she is being asked to accept the possibility that you might date women as well as men, but with your sister she is/was being asked to accept a very different scenario. You may not see it that way, your sister may not see it that way and a good many of EC members may not either, but this is about your mum and her take on it. How will your sister feel if you do come out? It's hard to say really. She might be upset and she might feel wounded if your mum accepts your sexuality, but you can't second guess any of her feelings and you shouldn't even try. You will not be coming out to maliciously spite her or open up old issues, but you will be doing it for the right reasons - for youself. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first and do what's right for us. Remember, you accepted your sister. Your sisters problem is really with your mum, not with you.
Thank you for your response PatrickUK, I think you're right about my mother. I mean it's hard to know what's going on in her head but it does certainly appear that she had certain limits with what she might be okay with and what she might not, and unfortunately my sister seems to have pulled the short straw with that one... And I suppose you're right, even if it might suck a bit I think I do need to do what's right for me, at the rate communication happens in this family I could be waiting forever otherwise. And as long as I make sure they both know that I love them both and will always be there for them I'll have done my part right? The rest is up to them... Not that this will happen right away, I think I still have to build myself up a bit before I tackle that fun conversation. Next week though I am travelling to see some very close friends, maybe I might see if I'm up to having a chat with them..
