Back again from the spring! I've pushed through the worst of my anxiety and hope to stick around the forums and interact on a more regular basis now. A summary of the last six months, followed by a brief plea for advice: The good: -In May, I broke it off with the person I was seeing, who coincidentally realized they no longer identify as male and is now transitioning. We're now pretty good friends. -Once I was alone and confronted my feelings head on, good stuff started to happen. I became less isolated and more comfortable in my sexuality/gender presentation, by degrees: I dressed up as a wizard three times in the month of October so I could spike up my hair and wear a button down vest...then I kept the hair. -The whole thing had a cascade effect where I realized that I was imprisoned by fear in a multitude of ways, so I confronted the big ones: I stood up to an abusive ex (with whom I have to co-parent, and who I've been cow-towing to for over a decade) and now have official legal protections. I started writing again and actually sharing that work (poetry reading next month, aah!), and I began developing relationships with other queer women. Over the course of a month, I came out to my mom and sister, and two other friends. -I went to a lesbian bar event yesterday and wanted to stay forever--it was the first time I've ever been really comfortable with how other people see me, and I had a 90 minute dance floor kiss and a phone number from a lovely woman who likes Kurt Vonnegut before the night was over. :icon_bigg I was so excited when I came home that I came out to most of my friends via facebook (I purposely excluded anyone who might respond badly). Most of them were like "Good for you!" and "Yeah that was pretty obvious." The Bad: -The anxiety of being 32 and confronted with the task of explaining to potential partners that I've spent fifteen years sleeping with men and I have the sexual experience of a 15 year old is terrifying. I have no idea what to do with that phone number. I do know that I am not looking for a long-term monogamous relationship--I want to (considerately, honestly, and respectfully) explore right now. If I could stand on that dance floor and kiss 24/7 for the next year or so, that would be swell! That is a whole lot to tell another person, and I'm not sure how much or when to divulge. -The highs and lows are killing me. I want to be around people, but there's a level where I'm just so overwhelmed that I can't really get the comfort that I need, even when it's offered. I was on cloud nine last night; I'm feeling a bit wobbly today. I feel overexposed, like I'm standing naked in a room of fully dressed people. Prior to the past few weeks, I'd been watching tv for hours on end and generally hiding from my feelings. Now they're out in force--and I have spent such a long time managing my desire by locking it up that it's really terrifying. I have a few gay and lesbian friends that I feel like I can talk to, but we're just beginning to be close, I don't want to overwhelm people I don't know intimately, and they all came out in their teens and there's this "it's 2015, what's the big deal?" vibe going on. There are several big deals, not all of which are easy to convey: some scary adult interactions/name-calling as a teen, getting sexually assaulted by my ex husband because he was angry that I was leaving him and aware that I was attracted to women, and the painful experience of trying to open up about my sexuality again and again, only to find that most of the women I liked were straight and only interested in me when they were intoxicated (ie, it was a fun/shocking game for them, and I didn't know how or where to find people that could or would reciprocate). Then there's the last few months where I've been just a little bit out, and had the...ahem, "lovely" experience of discovering what a unicorn is and having m+f couples try to enlist me as their plus one. Those conversations were excruciating, and since I wasn't yet ready to admit that I'm not interested in men, and I particularly liked the woman in the last couple, they went on far too long. I am hoping that declaring "I am a lesbian and everything about that is fucking great" last night has done the trick. -Last but not least, my sex drive is out of control, and I am emoting all over the place and feel like a crazy person. I'm oddly put off by spending extended periods of time with my straight friends--they're amazing, I love them, but I just can't right now. The depressive lows are getting lighter, but I'm still feeling very self conscious and having a hard time connecting with other people in day-to-day life. Basically, everything is raw. Is that just me? Does it last forever?! Also, does anybody have a color-coded chart that I can reference in terms of how to date? Much love, J
Congrats. It sounds to me like you are doing great. I had an experience similiar to yours in that for most of my twenties I didn't date and wasn't out to most people. When I hit thirty, I felt really behind the times and wondered "how do I do this?" as far as dating, sex ect. were concerned. I felt really shy because anybody I dated was going to be so much more experienced then me and I felt so new and young at everything... and really tender about it. So to answer your questions to the best of my ability ... No it doesn't last forever. As far as dating, I just decided to be as real as I could be, stop all the games or calculating how to be socially acceptable and just to be me. That way there is no performance of trying to be or live up to something I am not wich is a drag and so tiring anyway, (sounds like you have had enough of that already in your life like me). I think you will feel exposed for a while... I did. After hiding in the background of my life for so long, coming out made me feel really naked and exposed but there is a really vital energy that comes along with that, that can be used for creativity and thats what I would recommend. Get really creative and channel that energy. If you want to have a million kisses on the dance floor then have them, and practice not losing yourself as you do it. Practice at every moment really being in your body, comfortable with your own skin and valuing who you are. You have got to have a lot of courage to be were you are now from were you came from and that is something you have to offer people now.
