This past September - The day before my birthday I kinda told my mother I was trans. I can explain how I only kinda told her. I dint come out and say, " I'm trans mom." I explained some past events to her, said I had been crossdressing for some time, that it had only been at home for some time. Then I said, and I started to cry a little bit, " I don't want to be a boy all the time anymore." I originally thought that not getting much of a response was a good thing from her. That is not the case at all. since then, I feel my parents have been very removed from me. We use to be a very close knit happy family. Now I feel there is just endless amounts of tension between us. My father calls me a while back asking if I have been taking my anti-depressants, and this is not the only time he has said something like this to me. He says, "have you been seeing your counselor? You are not going to get any (better) if you are not seeing someone. It is un-natural, the anti-depressants aren't going to help alone, you need good quality help." OMG, WHAT THE FUCK DAD? instant rush of anger and sadness ya know... I obvious didn't say that to him. But that is what came across my mind. I changed the subject. In short, my father thinks I am un-natural, broken, and need fixing. I am not sure what my mother thinks of me, I know she still loves me and wants me to talk to her. I am not certain if my grandfather knows anything out side of seeing that I have shaved my arms, legs, and no longer wear any kind of beard. cuz facial hair is gross. :dry: My sister, to me surprisingly enough is very understanding. She has not removed herself at all. I think we may be even closer than we use to be.. In all honesty. The reason I am writing this is because I need to get some of this shit off my chest. The other is I like writing, it makes me feel better, and I was hoping for some kind of support and maybe some answers. I got a text from my sister this morning saying "Apparently him and mom have been fighting. I didn't know. But they've been at it this morning for over an hour about stupid shit like Taz not behaving or how to clean out the back of the jeep like they literally disagree about everything. And dad is so pushy. Like I was standing in the kitchen and he wanted to set a pair of gloves on the counter and there was plenty of room for him to do that so he like pushes me put of the way AS he says excuse me instead of just asking me to move without touching me or just setting the fucking gloves down like you don't need a mile of space. And he's like grouchy in general. And mom complains about EVERYTHING" I asked sis if she thought them fighting was because of me, and me coming out as trans. She says, "I don't know, I mean it could be I guess, I don't want to lie" WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING ME? WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY BEING WHO I AM. WHY DO I SEE IT AS MY FAULT FOR THE POSSIBLY OF MY FAMILY BREAKING APPART. I just don't know what to do. I have been in the closet for about a year and a half. I am slowly working my way out. I am slowly considering transitioning. Knowing how things are right now, and wanting to keep my family together, makes want to go back in the closet. But I have been soooo happy being me lately. I don't want to go back. I am not sure I can even go back.
Hey, sweetheart, take a breather. It's ok. They have always loved you and they always will. The same thing goes for each other. Everyone takes this differently and while you may have introduced stress it is not your fault how they handle it. Poor girl, you are perfectly guilt free. What they are upset about is all the stuff that has been planted in their head. All the ignorance and fear around transgender people. People think trauma causes it and parenting causes it and that it is unnatural and unhealthy. Just because we know all that is wrong doesn't mean they don't and it can be scary. I'd say you should inform them. Tell them you've always been their daughter and that's ok. They raised you well and you love them and nothing is new but just that you want them in your life and that you trust them to love you no matter what. You're not broken. You're not crazy. You're exactly who you've always been.
i'm sorry you are going through this. I am in somewhat the same place. I am slowly coming to terms that I may be Gay, Bi, Trans. Or whatever I am. I have always loved wearing girly things. I wore my moms clothes and now my wife's too when I get a chance. I feel so angry at myself for not letting my true self shine all my life. I hid my feeling behind a super masculine persona and I am suffering everyday for it. It's too late for me to transition without crushing my wife and daughter. I hope maybe one day I can tell my wife and get to express who I am inside on occasion. Much love sweetheart.
Hi PurlpleAurora, I am sorry you are going through such a tough time right now. It's a great feeling to be finally out of the closet, feeling liberated, but sometimes things don't go as we would have hoped for. Try not to think that you are the main reason why your family seems to be going through this period of difficulties. Your dad may benhandling it in the best possible ways, but there could be many other reasons for him to be on the edge (work for example can be quite stressful and draining). Also, please remember that in a lot of cases it takes some time for people to adjust to the news of someone coming out. I certainly don't think you should go back into the closet, be who you are and who you want to be. Stay true to yourself, and remember to stay positive. Don't blame yourself for the way things being around you. With that said, do give your family a break, and try to cut them some slack. Ideally, see what your gender therapist has to say. Take care, Mila ---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 08:12 AM ---------- Hi PurlpleAurora, I am sorry you are going through such a tough time right now. It's a great feeling to be finally out of the closet, feeling liberated, but sometimes things don't go as we would have hoped for. Try not to think that you are the main reason why your family seems to be going through this period of difficulties. Your dad may benhandling it in the best possible ways, but there could be many other reasons for him to be on the edge (work for example can be quite stressful and draining). Also, please remember that in a lot of cases it takes some time for people to adjust to the news of someone coming out. I certainly don't think you should go back into the closet, be who you are and who you want to be. Stay true to yourself, and remember to stay positive. Don't blame yourself for the way things being around you. With that said, do give your family a break, and try to cut them some slack. Ideally, see what your gender therapist has to say. Take care, Mila
