Expectations vs. Reality, The Most Welcomed Experience Of My Life

My family has seemed.........let's just say less than accepting of people's ways of life before I told them anything about myself. They have very much vocalized their overall air of superiority over anyone who is in any way different than themselves in various ways. They have made all sorts of jokes about people for their race and all sorts of other immutable attributes over the years. Their sister ended up with a black man, and they have said that they "aren't exactly proud of it" and that people "didn't do that back in the 80s when she was dating". Nowadays, my sister and the rest of my family don't really get along. The thing is there are other reasons for this, and most of them have to do with the fact that she has a lot of anger towards my parents and also to me. My mother has also described herself as a "traditionalist", and she said that although she is politically liberal that they are socially "conservative". They left a church they went to, because they were very heavy on emphasizing gay related issues. Whenever there have been displays of two men kissing on TV, my Mom would say things to the effect of, "It's kind of gross." and things of the sort. She has even said that the idea of two men being together like that it's "disgusting" and makes her "want to wretch". Both of my parents have thrown around slurs like it's nothing around the house. Sure, she had said that she didn't discriminate against gays or people of other races. My father expressed the same sentiments about this. However, in addition to their judgmental views, they also seemed just........scary. They definitely seemed like the type who could throw me out of the house and out of their lives without even thinking twice about it. Both of them seemed supportive of me, very supportive actually growing up. However, there were a couple of occasions where they really lost their cool towards me and I just figured it was probably a little taste of what's to come. Once I said and did some things I shouldn't have when I was hanging out with some distant relatives. The hammer came down big time.....They started screaming at me and telling me that I was a monster and that I made them sick. They even took down a poster commemorating my birth while telling me that I was a "monster" and that they weren't going to "try to help me with anything anymore". When I addressed my Mom as Mom, she even angrily told me "Don't call me that". I prepared to be thrown out of the house that night, but then to my surprise they basically acted normally the very next day towards me. The next thing I knew within less than 48 hours, they were helping me with homework and being the same people that they were. It was just perplexing, but it made me think that God forbid anything ever really broke.....like this sort of thing......they'd probably disown me in the most horrific of manner. Other than that, there was a lot of arguing and tension in the house much of the time. I certainly played a role in that though. However, me and my Dad would often argue over the most stupid things. Still, they had continued to do a great deal to support me with things and all, but I just had the sense that they'd really flip right the fuck out if they knew about my sexuality. Despite all of this, I did feel that they did care about me and they'd always say "love you" and things like that. They weren't unloving or uncaring people or anything in their day to day behavior. In fact, my Mom especially would go out of her way to help me with homework and other stuff. They always touted themselves with regard to their "morality", and they said of some of my friends who had on their profiles "interested in men and women" as "wrong". One night, I told them that there was something that they'd definitely "never speak to me again" about. They kept asking what it was, and she was asking spouting possibilities. One of the things my Mom said was "sexual orientation" and as she was saying it there was an angry edge to it. The issue I was talking about was entirely different, and they didn't have an issue with it. However, due to all their talk of "morality", the overall climate of judgment, and the tone towards some of my friends I was terrified to ever speak of my bisexuality to my parents. Once I had the idea to tell them, but then a horrendous nightmare I had that night caused for a change of plans.

One of these nightmares really sticks out. ALL OF THIS PARAGRAPH IS THE DREAM I HAD THAT NIGHT AND NOT REALITY OR EVEN CLOSE TO IT. In this dream, I was in my house and I told my parents this about myself. My parents began screaming at me and telling me I was garbage, worthless, and they basically sat me down at the dinner table while getting me ready to have a "family intervention". The tone of hatred in this dream was horrifying. They were telling me that I had to leave the house, and that I was never welcomed back. I was told that I would never be able to speak with them again. It was 11 o clock at night, and they called up my brother. He came up from New York City to angrily shout at me and punch me in the face. They also called my uncle who came to harass and beat me. They all surrounded me in this dream, punched me repeatedly and dragged me outside laying bloodied in a typical upstate New York three or four foot high snowbank on the deck. As I crashed into the icy snowbank, I got yet another blow...this time all over my body. While I was gone, they were calling employers to sandbag me everywhere I applied. They would track down where I was applying, and they'd figure out things to tell the boss to have me shit-canned. I woke up in cold sweats in the middle of the night and paced around for a bit thinking about this. I began thinking that even if it didn't happen exactly like the dream, it was probably a good indicator of how it would probably go down if I told them. I figured at that point, "Well, I like girls anyways so I can easily just deny my other side." I was fine with this in a way, because I "knew" that telling anyone was not an option. The dream was so powerful and vivid that I felt it might have been a sort of "warning".

What Really Happened:

Then, around a year later, some friends urged me to tell my parents about it and get it over with. It took months of urging, because I was terrified to do so. However, they told me that even if what I thought was true, I just had to do it ultimately. So, I did tell them one night. My heart raced and controlling my fear was difficult. I felt that my dream could very easily come true. I figured there was at least a good chance I'd be disowned, and who knows it could even turn violent like it did in that dream :eek: Then, I just told my mother the first time.....well I have some "issues" sexually. She just said, "Okay." and jokingly said, "Your attracted to what....goats?" I just said, "Well, sometimes I have thoughts about things like I'm gay. I'm not really at least not 100%, because I'm attracted to women, but I think about guys sometimes." She just said, "Okay. Well, your probably not, but if you are we still accept you." Then, she even half jokingly, half seriously said, "We can validate that, we'll watch Brokeback Mountain sometime." I talked about it a little bit again and I said that I "liked both". My Mom had little to no response to this at all at the time. Finally, I said the same thing with a little bit more emphasis. I said that I was 100% sure and that the one attraction does not exclude the other. They said that they were "accepting", but that they associated what I was saying with orgies and promiscuous behavior and said that they didn't want me to be living this "alternative lifestyle" while I was living with them. However, they basically said they didn't care as long as I wasn't having these proverbial orgies in the house I don't think I'm ever going to be having any orgies anywhere Nothing against it, it's just not my cup of tea so to speak. I tried explaining to them that it wasn't like that, but they were doubting my sexuality and spouting the stereotypes. This was probably the closest thing that happened to the sort of reaction I was expecting, but that night my Mom was still enthusiastically saying "love you" and things of the sort. She was saying she was uncomfortable with the idea of me being gay, but she could get used to it. However, she seemed to express more discomfort with what I was telling her. Eventually, I was able to explain myself by saying that I was in control of it, and I'm not a sex maniac. I said that I had just told them, because I needed to get it off my chest not because I was having urges I couldn't control. The thing is my parents are very against any sort of promiscuous behavior of any kind, so I figured I'd make that point clear. When I did, they were fully accepting of me, and there haven't been any issues. At one point later on, I talked about it and apparently I made it sound like I wasn't really having "thoughts along those lines" without meaning to. I said that I did, but I was in control of myself like I had said. As time has gone I've even acted a little bit different as a result of this being out in the open, and they have been pretty accepting of this. I painted my nails a while back with a marker, and my parents ended up seeing it quickly since I could not get it off. My Dad kind of shook his head and made a comment of "he wants to dress like a girl" while I was out of earshot (or so he thought). However, he said that it was my decision of whether or not to do that. My mother seemed more okay though right away and even offered to give me nail polish if I wanted it. My Dad didn't really seem to have an issue with the idea of it though after we talked, and neither of them had any problems with it. They did make kind of a point about that "a gay guy could come on to me" because of that, which was a little unusual since I had talked with them before about stuff with that. However, I just told them that it wasn't an issue to me and they were okay with that. I have been really amazed that things have gone so much more smoothly than I expected. I'll probably talk a bit more about it at points, and I'm sure things will work out in one way or another it seems

 

Things are actually going a lot better now. I talked about how I "realized" about myself when I was about 20, which was that I had kind of an obsession/crush on a friend of mine for over a year. He wasn't like that though so it never went anywhere, but it certainly showed me a part of myself I did not realize existed. Until then, I never really thought about myself that way at all and never had any thoughts like that about other guys. I basically explained how I don't know what I would have done had he been like that, but that I very well may have gone there with him. They were both totally okay with what I told them, and my Mom was playing kind of a guessing game with me of trying to figure out who it was. I didn't say, because I was kind of embarrassed to say who exactly it was that I liked. I wasn't really embarrassed, but it was just kind of one of those moments where I didn't want it to be known who it was. It was really kind of a nice moment though, and I'll definitely tell at some point I'm so glad that I told them, and told them that there was a specific person that I felt that way about It's really such a great feeling

As for the orgies comment, I think that they definitely get where I'm coming from after I talked a bit more. They know that it's not like that, so much as that I just occasionally really like people who just so happen to not be girls Part of why they may have thought that is because I did have a few friends who were into the whole orgy scene. I never got involved in that though, and I frankly couldn't ever imagine being in one. The idea just seems kind of scary, to me at least.

 

Huh, well apparently they now say that they find the things I've told them "disturbing". Apparently, they say that they accept me but they say that it's something that they'll have to "deal with and come to terms with or largely come to terms with". At least, my Mom specifically said that she doesn't find the idea of me being like that "gross". She's still putting somewhat of a negative spin on it though, and I'm honestly pretty pissed off at the moment. I guess I'll try to just talk about things in a lighthearted way, and as time goes on they'll probably find it less "disturbing".