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Overcoming The Past Environment

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Contact1111, Nov 30, 2015.

  1. Contact1111

    Contact1111 Guest

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New Paltz, NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Before I said anything, my mother seemed to be the type that could possibly be extremely homophobic. My father seemed like the type that could be too, but I was less worried about him. My mother would often say things like when two men kissed on TV that it's "kind of gross" and things like that. She also has said that all women would be completely and permanently turned of and would want to "wretch" at the idea of a man who had been with another man. At first, when I told her about my sexuality, there seemed to be basic acceptance but an undercurrent of denial. Also, early on when I was watching an episode of House where he pretended to be gay with Wilson as part of one of his elaborate, mildly devious plots, I explained that it had something to do with House wanting to be with Wilson's girlfriend or somebody's girlfriend. I'm not sure exactly what his plot was that time, but it doesn't really matter. My Mom said to me that if a woman thought that a man had been with another man, any woman would be disgusted and that the idea of it would just "make women want to wretch". When I talked to her, she insisted that she wasn't saying anything about my "supposed" orientation. She tried to say she was just making a general statement, but I found it extremely hurtful. There was also a time when she began spouting a bunch of stereotypes (even seemed to think I could be into orgies once), but I was able to correct them on these things. After that, she began to understand that some women would date a man with that history even though she said she wouldn't herself. The thing is that they have seemed to take a different stance in recent times after I corrected the stereotyping issue. They have even seemed to take a pretty supportive stance in many regards, talking about some things with it in a lighthearted way even recently :slight_smile: My Mom has seemed to have a real change of heart, it seems now. I'll see if it continues. Hopefully, it will and it probably will.

    However, it is difficult to overcome a lifetime of having had people with similar thoughts as yourself thought of so negatively and stereotypically. I still feel that it's been difficult to overcome, and it would take a lot of support to be able to get past it. The thing is, before I ever told anyone, I heard so much nonsense. There was a long stretch of time I was just scared to say anything to anybody. It's hard to truly be relaxed and fully accepting of myself all the time after going through all those years of hearing that stuff. I keep thinking in terms of it being black and white, even though it isn't for me. It's difficult, but I can see that it's clearly due to the way I've been conditioned to see it.
     
    #1 Contact1111, Nov 30, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2015
  2. ANerdWhoCares

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Your out status says out only to family. Perhaps that in itself is the issue. You're right, in order to overcome the emotions you have, it will take lots of time and support, but you're apparently not going to get most of that from family. I would advise telling a close friend, if you haven't already. That makes the process easier, so that you can joke around with someone about your sexuality.

    For example: lately I've been in a bit of a heated dispute with one of my female friends. She's very feisty and angry, and dramatic, and when I'm around my straight friends, I joke and say "this is why i like guys!" Point being: no matter what the situation, having one or more friends to lighten the mood always helps make things easier. :slight_smile: