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Lonely, and other problems... (Wall of Text)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Doglover, Jan 21, 2009.

  1. Doglover

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    Well, I have a few problems, but I'm not sure if they belong in this forum, so I'm gonna go ahead and take a shot.

    My first problem, and probably the one that affects my social life the most: Shyness. I don't mean that I have a minor case of the butterflies whenever I'm around people I don't know, it's pretty extreme and it seems like I'm a completely different person when I'm not around my friends, in private. For one, I walk differently, paying more attention to the way I do it than I normally do, I just feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me as I'm carrying my books down the hallway. I can't look anyone in the eyes, except my closest friends, it just bothers me. I know it's disrespectful to look away from someone when you're talking to them, but I can't help it, I just get so embarrassed at that kind of staring at each other. It's affecting my life so much, I can't get out of the house without feeling like I'm being stared at and judged, even if it isn't the case, I just can't get it through my head that very few, if any, are really looking at me and judging me on my characteristics. If this is just a stage of my puberty, or something, well then I've been in it for longer than anything else. I've felt awkward since 6th grade, and I'm in 8th now. I'm in football, which kinda helps, but being in a locker room full of boys my age, and some that are well, pretty good looking, and trying to keep 'it' down isn't helping much, either.

    The second is my recent loneliness. I'm practically an only child, my only sibling is 11 years younger than me. Like I said, I find it hard to get out without being awkward, so I tend to just lie around, sulking in my lonesomeness. I really want to join one of these LGBT clubs or communities (whatever you want to call them), that I hear so much about, but I don't think there is one in my town that I, a 14 year old, could join. I'm going to high school next year, and I've just taken a tour of it today as a 'field trip' of sorts, and I didn't see anything about a possible group that I could be a part of, or even hear about anything, or a poster, paper, anything! I'm perhaps thinking that maybe they don't want to keep it public, for reasons of their own, and I'm gonna have to do some 'detective work' to find it. My loneliness doesn't mean I don't have friends, I have many, but only about 4 that I consider my close friends, and 1 or 2 that I actually consider close enough that I could come out to, or even spend the night at their house. I'm really getting tired of this loneliness, I haven't been in a relationship since 5th grade, all though that's kinda just puppy love, and it didn't last very long, plus it was a female, and I didn't really have those kindof feelings for her. I'm really wanting to find a boyfriend that I can spend time with, and all that stuff. However, the reasons I've listed above are stopping me, and also I have to deal with the fact that I'm not out to anyone yet, so it'd kinda be a "Mom, can I go to my friend, blank's, house?" sort of, secret relationship.

    I'm getting very close to coming out, but I really need to deal with some of my issues that don't deal with my sexuality, but are getting in the way of it, first. I've got the mentality to tell my mom, but not my step-dad, and I could only tell one or two of my friends. However, I know even if I told my one or two friends, it'd be circulated around my school in a week, and I'd find myself picked on, or worse. Not that I can't handle myself, like I said, I'm a football player, who lifts weights regularly, but I can't stand the verbal abuse that some of the crueler, ignorant kids would lay down on me, and I'd probably end up assaulting one of them, or just stressing out and not coming to school anymore. I feel like I'm trying to sympathize my problems too much, and I really don't like asking for help, but I just really need some advise right now, and my real life friends aren't really available.
     
  2. kaster

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    hey Jaden (I like that name best out of the known as ones, its brilliant)
    It sounds like you're keeping stuff bottled up a bit. Are you close with your mum at all or is there a friend you could talk to about the shyness maybe a more confident person. I find that when people hang around with confident people it kind of rubs off, they feel less like theyre being stared at cause theyre with an exuberant person. Is there a school counsellor or someone you could speak to about these feelings?
    Any other interests than football? cause if you join maybe a non-sporty club and start talking to more people (might be easier in high school) you can find more people with similar personalities. I imagine that in high school it'll be easier for you to find a boyfriend or at least other LGBT people.
    The 1 or 2 people you said were your close friends Im sure they'd want to hear if you're feeling like this, give them a chance to listen to you, since they know you they might have better advice than any of us can give you.
    But welcome to EC anyway, it's a really helpful supportive place. I probably havent given brilliant advice, there'll be way better people yet dont worry :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: x
     
  3. Doglover

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    Hello, thanks for your advise, and the compliment on my name ^^. Anyway, I do have other non-sporty interests, I really enjoy choir, journalism, art, and I'm kinda thinking about doing our theater program at the high school (not sure about this one, I know I'd choke >.<). And, as far as telling my friends about my problems, well, you see... they're typical jocky straight guys, not to stereotype straight guys, or sports players, in that you don't open your problems up with them... or else you get laughed at for being sensitive. Meh, I know, "Well then, why are they your best friends?" they're pretty cool besides that. I do have a relationship with my mom, I'm a "momma's boy" xD, but... I don't know, it's just odd. I'm not declining your suggestions, just saying why it would be hard to do them, of course it's gonna be hard no matter what, I've just gotta toughen up.

    (And you did give wonderful advise :slight_smile:, don't think badly of your advise-giving-skillz. xD)
     
  4. n8i2c7k

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    Okay chances are this might be pretty long (my posts always seem long :confused:) so you might want to brace yourself...

    I guess i'll start from the top with your shyness. The whole acting-different-when-not-around-friends thing is normal. I do the same thing and i think everyone else does to. They're not your friends so you don't have the same connection. Friends tend to bring the personality out of shy people. Shy people can let down their walls that they sheild themselves with. Around other people, those walls are up, and the personality doesn't come out. So that's normal.
    About the whole people-judging-you thing, i think you might just be insecure about yourself. I think people are afraid of being judged only because they're afraid people might find their faults. Go to a mirror and take a good look at yourself. Do you see anything you might be ashamed of, that you don't want people to judge you by? Weight? Height? Weird clothes? Anything at all? If so then you have two choices. Either accept it, learn to be happy with who you are, and grow out of being so afraid of judgement, or you can change it. Now i'm a fan of "just be yourself" and all but there are times when a change can be a good thing. If and/or when everything is ok, then you just have to remind yourself that people won't really judge you any more negatively than you have. You are usually your harshest critic. Thus try to get it into your mind that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and the people who judge you bad don't matter. If they don't like you, screw them, you could care less what they think. Basically just have a little confidence in yourself. Football is a good thing as is lifting weights. I don't know if this is as good a thing as the others but i tend to reassure myself by knowing that i could probably beat the crud out of anyone who messed with me.

    *Whew* Ok now lonliness. Don't worry, things will get better in highschool, trust me. Now you can actually pick your own classes and meet new people who share the same interests as you. Not necessarily in a club or something but in the classes themselves. I know it's hard when you're shy but try to make new friends. Friends in the same classes is a good way to start because you see them every day, you (will) converse with them every day, and classes give you something to talk about. You can and should still look for a good club to join but if you're still in the closet, i wouldn't recommend any gay-affiliated clubs (my school has a "Rainbow club"...I don't think i'm joining THAT any time soon :confused:). Of course this doesn't mean you ditch your old friends for new ones. It's just you could (should...) make new friends that you might open up to more and perhaps even come out to down the line.
    And don't worry about a boyfriend just yet. You're still young. You have so much more ahead of you and the next four years will be filled with all sorts of things. I'm a firm believer in going with the flow, letting things come along and take opportunities as you see them. If you find a nice boy, good for you, go right ahead. If not, just wait for that special someone to come along like everyone else. You might find your beloved the first day of highschool, you might find him in college. Either way and anyway, you'll find him. So don't worry :slight_smile:

    Lastly, about coming out...i don't know much sorry. I'm not out yet to anyone. But i give you credit for actually planning on telling someone. I haven't ofund enough courage to do that even. But like you i think i'd probably beat up anyone who'd tease me and then not come to school for awhile. Another thing to think about is not so good. If you plan on joining any sport teams (like i have to ask) you have to consider the response of your team if you ever come out. Take me for example. Right now i'm the captain of the judo team (judo is big in Hawaii) and i don't think my team would take my sexuality very lightly. I've thought about it and i think i would seriously quit the team because noone wants me there. Sad i know which is why i'm not coming out untill after highschool. I can't say if it'll be the same for you, but it's just something to think about...

    Ok finally i'm done. Sorry this was so long and i hope i didn't waste too much of your life by reading it all. I hope it helps somehow :grin:
     
  5. Ionless

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    It's not a very kind idea, but the idea is certainly suitable to use in your occasion.

    Think about it this way. You're in a good sport, you are comfortable with yourself (by that meaning you're alright and happy that you're gay), and you have good friends you can confide in. (I always think that one only needs 2 close friends really. Two close ones and an any amount of number to have fun with). Why worry and think about problems that may not really be problems? If you have such big problems being such a person, think about those who are much more "unfortunate", so to speak. Some people may be small in size and low on friends. Your life is good (as far as I can tell) so just enjoy it.

    As far as shyness and feeling extremely over-sensitive about yourself when you're not with your friends, it may either improve over time or not change at all. This depends on how you want to face it. If you want to improve it, you can take more courses that have to deal with self-confidence and composure. (may not work 100% of course, but it works for most people). I'm not sure where they are available but there are many agencies who do carry out these kind of courses. You may also feel better if you take on stuff such as public speaking.

    As for coming out, that has to deal with how you feel. The time is only right when you think it is. For me, I came out to my parents because I was feeling so frustrated and upset I was ready to commit suicide. While the process itself wasn't that successful, (my parents still haven't readily accepted the fact yet) I'm happy that I feel better now. Sometimes keeping things to yourself really takes its toll. I haven't told any of my schoolmates, or even any of my close friends for that matter, so I understand how you feel. Just know that you are right and don't regret your decisions and you'll be fine.

    I hope this has helped you in any way, and good luck!
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi there. I can vaguely remember being 14, so I'll offer a bit of advice...

    Don't worry about having a relationship. At your age, not many people have them. Honest. What you see on TV or in the movies is not reflective of real life for most people (that isn't a surprise, is it?!?). So forget about having a bf - at least for now.

    You're hardly locked away in your room if you've got friends and you're on the football team. Joining a team like that takes lots of self confidence - you have more than you're giving yourself credit for. But if you're interested in drama, that would certainly help. When they bring in peopler here at work to coach us on our communication skills, those people are usually professionally trained actors! So drama would also help you in this regard.

    Try to put some of these worries aside for a while. Accept that you're gay - and hang out here. But don't worry about telling friends or your mom if you're not ready to. You'll know when you're ready. Until then, make a decision to NOT tell them, and then you don't need to even think about it again for a while. Focus on other stuff that might make you feel better.

    Good luck!