1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

lingering confusion

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JMar2222, Jan 21, 2009.

  1. JMar2222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2009
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois, USA
    so today my gay best friend took me along to his glbtqqa youth group today and i was so scared at first, i had to lie to my mom where i was going and then just walking in was so scary, especially because a couple people from my school are there. but i opened up and it was really fun, we just chatted and i forgot that it was anything to do with sexuality.

    i had a chat with the director who is amazing and i just explained everything and she gave me some amazing advice. notably she said that sexuality is fluid, and labels exist because we live in a labeling society and told me not to label myself, just follow my gut and heart, and really just trust my instinct.

    i said that eventually i may want to understand what i am- not necessarily labelings but just understanding. i'm emotionally attracted to guys and girls, and i'm physically attracted to girls, more on the side of guys. people could label it as bi, but im not at that stage, i feel like there's so much more that goes into it.

    i guess what im wondering is what makes people sure that they're comptley gay or bi? how do you know that your preference in who you commit to is 100%? because im at a point where i just wish i could understand w/o labeling how i know a preference is legitimate. ahhh help! :help:
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    At the age of 16, I don't think it's important for you to know. I'm sure that you ahve a burning need to figure it out, and that's understandable.

    I think it really does change over time, partly because we actually change, but also becuase we become more aware of ourselves, or we overcome some preconceptions that society has imposed on us.

    For you to have recognized that you are attracted to guys, despite almost every signal you get from the outside world that you 'should' be attracted to girls, suggests there is definitely something there. I would say you're right in assuming that you're at least bi. Beyond that, try not to sweat it.

    In my case, I was in denial growing up - I never even considered that I might be gay. I got married, had sex with my wife, never had a problem with it. I loved my wife, but I always felt I didn't love her the same way she loved me. I eventually came to realize that it was because I was more attracted to guys.

    I consider myself to be gay - despite having had a 10 year relationship with a woman. Which preference is 'legitimate'? Well - I prefer being with a man - at least for now. So, I identify as being gay. Some might assume I'm bi. Maybe I am - at least by their definition.

    It's really up to you.

    At any rate, I think this is a great site for you to hang out and get comfortable with the idea. I also think it's great that you've joined a youth group. Having these questions about ourselves is VERY isolating, and being part of a group that understands is an excellenet idea!

    Good luck! Keep it up!
     
  3. xequar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2007
    Messages:
    1,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Detroit area, Michigan
    I've said it around here a number of times, although since it's been awhile, it's worth pulling out and dusting off.

    The proof is in the porn.

    Seriously, think about it (and maybe watch a bit of porn just for... research). Do men get you aroused? Do women get you aroused? If the same sex does it, you're gay. If both do it, you're bi. If the opposite sex does it, you're straight.

    Yes, yes, I know there are many variances and shades of gray and bla bla blah. But in honestly, hit the highlights and go with it.

    And you really don't need to worry about a label. Just be you. Of course, the human instinct seeks to go for a simple answer to what seems like a simple question (hence the very black/white nature of things), but how you answer is completely up to you. Heck, just go with a "meh" if you really want to.
     
  4. JMar2222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2009
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois, USA
    hahahaha this all makes a lot of sence thank you!
     
  5. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    >>>i guess what im wondering is what makes people sure that they're comptley gay or bi? how do you know that your preference in who you commit to is 100%? because im at a point where i just wish i could understand w/o labeling how i know a preference is legitimate

    The thing is - the two are one and the same. If something is legit, you can label it. Once you've decided it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then you can go ahead and label it a duck.

    I'm not going to argue the "label" thing, but I would say that people seem to have less problem with labels than with the baggage that goes along with them. People tend to care less about being considered "gay" than they are about what people might think about them due to having that label. "They're going to think I hate girls" or "love disco" or "act really femmy" or whatever. People might want to slap any label they want on me, and they might want to assume anything they want due to the labels I wear (by choice or otherwise). But frankly, that's up to them. If someone wants to think I'm "girly" because I'm gay, fine - I've got bigger fish to fry than to worry about what some random guy wants to think about me. :slight_smile:

    When will you know for sure? Eventually. A vague answer, but it's a vague topic. Just go with where you are right now: "unsure, maybe bi- leaning gay". And run with that. Assume you're bi- leaning gay, and just go live your life. Don't bother trying to "figure it out" - it'll figure itself out eventually.

    Lex
     
  6. JMar2222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2009
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois, USA
    that makes so much sence. thank you
     
  7. Psychedelic Bookmarks

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2007
    Messages:
    1,481
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    I'm in the same sort of place as you, JMar2222. Just to give you some solidarity. I find it hard to put a label on my sexuality right now, so I'm trying to just not stress over it too much, and just wait till it becomes more apparent. Sometimes I feel pressure to decide on 'bi' or 'gay' or whatever, but as you say, it's more complicated than those words could ever encompass. Hang in there :slight_smile: And welcome to EC, by the way!
     
  8. Trace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2009
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Antonio, Tx
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yes, I think all of us has gone through that at sometime. Alot of us here, (i am just assuming) are still going through that at the moment. so just take a deep breath and try to think deeply about it. It doesn't matter what other people say, all that matters is what you think about yourself. Don't think about they levels, just follow your heart because only you know who you like and love.
     
  9. littledinosaurs

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2008
    Messages:
    1,636
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Nouvelle-Angleterre.
    You could say that nobody ever really knows when they are finally all figured out. people can change as they grow and age and so can their tastes. Who knows, someone might identify as gay and the one day meet the girl of their dreams and become bi! and some people identify as Gay, even though they are bi because they are still attracted to both sexes they really just want to be with the same one. I guess you'll know when you know? you'll eventually calm down about it and realize that you like it where you are and then you'll have a label (that you can choose to use or not)
    i hope that helped?
     
  10. JMar2222

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2009
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois, USA
    thank you all