Lonely looking for help

I'll be your friend.

 

Oh my gawd, can I be your friend... Please?

 

Welcome to EC!

As you've said, you've taken an important step in the right direction. Actually, you've taken several. You've defined precisely what the problem is. You've found an outlet where you can express yourself to a degree (messageboards). And you sound ready to take the next step.

So what IS the next step? How does one make friends? I could be pithy, and say "to make a friend, you simply need to be a friend". It's true, but it's insufficient. Just knowing that, and even practicing it, won't suddenly get you a bunch of friends. But before we move any further, it's worth mulling it over for a bit.

What IS a friend? Friends, for want of a better word, "click". They can relate to each other, usually on a variety of levels. They might have several interests in common. If you're a huge gaming fan, for instance, or love indie rock music, having friends with similar interests gives you more common ground. You can discuss the latest XBox release, or Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! song in depth, without garnering a lot of blank looks. But the interests don't have to be the same, or even similar. You can just have similar backgrounds, or similar points of view. My partner and I both have a rather off-kilter, find-the-humor-in-it-all way of looking at life. It's one of the things that made us click.

Secondly, friends are as friends do. As the relationship develops, you want to help your friend. Listen to him when he's got a problem, or just a story to tell. Provide encouragement when he needs it. Listen to him bitch about his work, his parents, his landlord, his girlfriend. Know when to offer advice, and when to just say "Yeah, that sucks." (I'm awful at that, by the way.) And, when things are going well, you want to share that with him, as well.

OK, that can be a working sort of model. But where to find one? The simple answer is "everywhere". Let me think back to the friends I've made, and where I've befriended them.

* J told me my shoes were untied. Distractedly, I mumbled "Can't get no laces for my shoes" as I tied them. J said, "Isn't that from a Dire Straits song?" It was, and we began discussing the band.

* A was locked out of his dorm room after taking a shower, wearing only a towel. I got him a pair of sweatpants to put on, and I managed to pry his window open, crawl through, and let him back into his dorm room.

* G rode the bus with me every day. I finally struck up a conversation with him, and found some common ground in our love of music (although we liked totally different genres).

See, potential friends are everywhere. In all three cases, we had some sort of initial interaction. But in all three cases, those interactions would've been insufficient. A might have been very appreciative of me helping him out when he was stuck in the hall naked, but it could've ended there. That was simply the starting point. After that, we had to keep the ball rolling. We kept chatting afterwards when we saw each other in the hall. We found other areas of interest, and other places where we "clicked" - for instance, A and I both are rather smart-assy, and we had a thing for puns. (That part seems to have vanished, oddly.) And the relationship grew, bit by bit. I didn't think "A will be my pinky-friend for life" the day I helped him out, or a month later, or a year later. And we've had periods where we've drifted apart somewhat. We're 1000 miles apart now, and communicate mainly online, and sometimes I go a couple months without exchanging a word with him. But I still consider him a good friend.

Enough about me - what about you? Obviously, you're at a major disadvantage. University is a great time to make friends, because there's a lot of forced interaction. You're stuck in small rooms (and, depending on the school, cramped quarters) for long periods of time with the same people. You have girls sitting next to you each day in class, and guys who live next to you in the dorms. You have a lot of common ground that you're sharing. Once school ends, that comes to an end. But hey - no use looking backward.

So who are YOUR potential friends? Well, there's two types. Those you randomly come across, and those you actively seek out. Let's go with the first group first. Think about a standard boring day - but one in which you actually DO go out. Whose path might you cross? Your next-door neighbor. Someone on the bus or street as you walk down. People in the coffee shop and grocery store. Random folks. All are potential friends. That doesn't mean all of them CAN be, or all of them SHOULD be. But all of them MIGHT be. So what do you do? Try to establish a bit of contact. There are two main rules for talking to somebody you don't know.

1. Find your common ground.
2. Ask questions based on your common ground.

So take your next-door neighbor. What's your common ground? You live on the same block, or perhaps in the same building (if you live in an apartment). That's your common ground. What sort of questions might you ask?

"I thought the mail always came in the morning here. Is it coming in the afternoon now?"
"It's been really warm. Have you heard if that's supposed to continue?"
"Does this elevator seem to be getting slower every week?"
"I like what you've done with your garden. Are you doing that yourself?"

Once the question is asked, you'll start getting some clues from the person. Hints about whether or not to nudge things any further. If you get short, curt, one-word answers, then you can conclude that this person isn't worth pursuing RIGHT NOW. Sometimes people get caught up in their lives, and either don't have time, or just don't feel like being chatty or social. It happens. If it does, just smile and end the conversation. "Well, see ya around." You can try again at another time if you run into them again.

Conversation IS a skill. You may not be good at it at first. In fact, given your track record, you probably won't be. You may fumble over words, or say things wrong, or wonder why the heck you just asked what you feel is the dumbest question in the world. That's OK. Stick with it. You learn by doing. If you screw up, shrug it off, learn any lesson that needs to be learned, and try again.

So say the conversation does move along. Cool. Introduce yourself, even if you think the person might know who you are. "I'm Strata - I live in 104." Don't drag out the conversation. If the conversation hits a lull, let it die down naturally. If it's somebody you'd like to converse with again, see if you can set it up. If it's someone you're bound to run into again - your next-door neighbor, a shop clerk - just say "Hope to see you again soon", smile, and move on. If it's someone you're not sure you'll see again, see if you can find a contact point. If you happened to start talking about gaming, for instance, say "I've been looking for someone to play (game) with. Can I give you my code?" Or, if you were talking food at the store, "I'd love to get that chicken recipe of yours. Could I possibly get you to e-mail it to me?" It may be that there IS no easy contact point, in which case you can say "I'd love to continue this conversation later. Can I give you my e-mail address/facebook info?" This is ideal because it puts things in THEIR court. If they decide they'd rather not contact you, they can simply forgo it. It provides an easy out.

The second type (remember? like, fifteen paragraphs ago?) is a forced interaction. That's where you're part of a group, and thus are more likely to interact. Once you get a job, presumably, that'll be one group. But don't rely on that solely. Think - what is something you like doing, or might like to do? Biking? Volunteering? Bowling? Maybe an art class? Then go online and do some Googling. "kitchener (activity)" You might even try "kitchener gay (activity)", to see if there's any gay groups in your area - you never know. See if there's a biking club, a bowling league, a volleyball league, free/cheap classes, a volunteer organization. Sign up. Then, use the same techniques to start up some conversations with other people in the group. You now have a specific common ground, too. "How long have you played volleyball?" "I need new tires for my bike. Would you have any recommendations?"

You won't have a friend tomorrow. Or even next week, most likely. But you can start laying the groundwork now for friends in the future. And we here at EC can be your sounding board, and your cheerleaders, as you work on getting some.

Now, as the gargoyle likes to say, go kick ass.

Lex

 

I would love to be your friend (*hug*).

 

See, you got 3 friends already, isn't that good :icon_bigg

 

Yeah dude.

Lex knows his stuff. I really want to emphasize the forced interaction concept. Think of ANYTHING that makes you happy that you enjoy doing (for me Tennis.) And look into finding some social groups in your area that revolve around your interest. It REALLY helps...

I just started liking tennis and looked into classes here. And I am making some pretty good friends fast. It's great since we all love to play, that's the initial "attraction" and then there is just so much more you can find out about the person WHILE engaging in the interest you both love

Good luck to you dude, from California

 

Lexington got it about right , I know exactly where your coming from but it has taken me a lot longer to get here than its taken you , so good luck my friend .Remember your not alone ,you can always talk to people here ,and if it helps to talk well you can always pm me. Take care my friend .

 

Wow, Lex just basically stated everything you need to know. I emphasize the point that you need to get out to places where you might run into others with the same interests (for example, our town has a running club). I met my best friend that way. I can't really add any thing that hasn't been added already, but feel free to contact me if you need to talk! :icon_bigg

 

Welcome To EC. Well done for joining and having the guts to tell us about yourself.

I can empathise with you because to a certain extent I've been where you are. I was excessively shy and always had trouble making friends and talking to people. I was lucky to have one friend and some family to stick by me though, but I still had a lot of trouble especially at uni. I kept hoping that one day someone would talk to me, and I'd be able to hold their interest and make a friend, the problem was I never could. I just wasn't good at it, and if I did strike up a friendship, I could never make it last and the friendship just sorta fizzled out.

Well Lex's advice is spot on. It takes just that bit of effort and a bit of practice. Don't feel disheartened if your first few attempts are a disaster, because every time you try to connect with someone, your confidence will improve, you will get better at it. It might not seem so at first but give it a shot.

You need to get out there and meet people, I think joining a group is a great idea, if there's something you're interested in, go for it. I never could strike up the courage to do so myself and I think that's what held me back for so many years. Despite being terribly anxious in social situations, I'm well on my way to becoming a teacher now, and can confidently get in front of a room full of pupils, and can be quite vocal in discussion groups, and just hanging out with other people, even though I can still get very anxious about it all. But it wasn't until I took that extra step, went to extra courses or went out of my way to get involved in social events. It was very painful at first, and I don't know how it happened, but you meet people, you get talking to people, you start making friends.

Try not to be too afraid of other people. I've been surprised to find that the people I think are judging me or dislike me just by a look are usually the ones that I click with. Don't expect people to be nasty because 9 times out of 10 people are just people, good and kind and not like those mean high school bullies.

I hope you get something useful from this, I didn't meant to ramble on about myself so much. If you need any more advice or a place to vent, you've found the right place. And I think by now you've got well over a handful of friends

 

Welcome to EC!!!! I have no friends at all so i'd be really happy to be your friend.

 

A lot of great advice here. May be you can find an LGBT group near you and go check it out. Being around people who "get" you,makes things so much easier.

 

Does anyone here like dressing up as thats a good way of meeting new people when your out?
People are always like "hey I like you tights" or "Nice heels you got on", its really good conversation starters.

 

Good for you! You will meet many people in your future: jobs, clubs, etc. I was shy when I was younger too. When I was at college I joined clubs and broke through my shy shell. I know it's easier said than done (I'm an anxiety freak), but try not to put pressure on making friends and just let it happen. As you are around people, make conversation. The smallest conversation starters can lead to great friendships. I relied on my corny sense of humor to help ease my anxiety around people I didn't know. Hope this helps. Good luck and keep us posted